How can I convince my 14 year old daughter to stop dating a guy who is almost 19 and does drugs?

Question

Since September my daughter has been seeing this older guy. He smokes marjuana, drinks, has given my daughter alcohol and maybe even drugs too. On Halloween I even read text messages between them, which were like phone or cyber sex. I have tried to legally keep him away from her. However, the police say there is nothing that can be done unless I know for a fact that they have had intercourse. Meaning she would have to admit to it or I would have to physically catch them "in the act". I'm so afraid for my daughter for many reasons. I'm scared she will end up taking drugs, that she will drink again, possibly end up pregnant and who knows what else.. On New Years she was arrested and taking to Juvenile Detetention for threatening to stab me. She had snuck out and began drinking with her boyfriend, when she got caught and feared her boyfriend would go to jail, she snapped. I'm so afraid of what is going to happen next. I really don't know what I can do. Any advice is appreciated

I did show the police the text messages and the officer said, "really, this is typical discussion between teens.." Personally I disagree.... - I have called the police on 4 different occasions since Halloween and every single time, they say that there isn't anything they can do. - My daughter has been grounded ever since Halloween, so for the past 3 months. However, that ends tomorrow.. As far as the alsohol goes, I didn't find out that she had been given any alcohol until 2 weeks after she was arrested. not even the police knew. So it was too late, I had no proof, plus she wouldn't tell the police ANYTHING against this guy. I also didn't let her out of the Juveinille Detention Center, they sent her home within 48 hours. She has been on home detention, decided by the court, ever since. However, this also ends tomorrow. We are going to begin counseling soon. She has already gone in for an evaluation, however when the first real session will finally be is not soon enough for me

Answer 1

I hear and understand what you are saying. When I was 14, I was drinking and drugging. By 15 I was a full blown alcoholic. It wasn't until many years later did I find out why, and how to remove it permanently from my life. Your daughter is hurting. She is seeking in this person what she is missing at home. I may be the need to be treated as an adult, may be with him she "feels" heard, or may be it is just a need to be needed.

Whatever it is, she is finding it elsewhere. I don't know the details, but somewhere during her lifetime, she has "felt" rejection. Rejection comes in many forms. It can be subtle, or it can be more obvious. Whatever occurred is why she is out there.

The fact is that her being out there is not the real issue. If you remove this boyfriend, she will just replace him with something else. The real issue is finding out her "why". What does she need? Where is her pain coming from? She needs to be listened to without judgment. We are here to find her pain, not to argue or disagree about it. She just needs to be heard.

I couldn't believe it. When they helped me find my "why", I had no idea that it was even in me. As the words came out, so did the pain. I carried that pain for 15 years. It absolutely consumed my life, and nearly killed me more times than I'd like to think about.

Your daughter probably doesn't even know herself, why she is doing what she is doing. On the surface she may, but not what is deep inside. The roots of rejection run so deep that few of us are actually aware of what is holding us back.

The funny part is that it all comes down to this: Unconditional love. That is loving someone for who they are, not what they have done.

The next thing to understand goes with an old adage that I learned: The squeaky wheel gets the oil. It is all too familiar to us. Life get’s so busy that we just don’t have time for one another. It isn’t until something get’s our attention: misconduct, accidents, sicknesses… that we realize that we have been neglecting someone or something. If we would flip that by focusing our time on the positive moments with our children, and less on the negative, what do you think would happen? Interesting thought…

Children love and need attention. What ever we do to give them the most attention is where there habits will form. If getting in trouble gets our attention, guess what habit will be. If being praised for good grades is where our attention is, then guess what habit will be. If being a troublemaker raises our attention, then guess what habit will become. Get the idea? Just fill in the blank of what your child is doing or the path that he is walking and you will find what you praise or don’t praise.

I will leave you with one final thought: Children learn 10% by what you say; they learn 90% by what you do.

Your brother in Christ,
Rodney C
12 Hatred stirs up strife,
But love covers all sins.
Proverbs 10:12

Answer 2

She is 14, you don't convice her of anything...you TELL her. Yank her out of school and send her to live with someone else in another city or state. Turn her world upside down. Why does she have a cell phone. Take that back forever. The problem is there is no control. In real life a 14 year old should be going to school and coming straight home after school to do homework, eat dinner, watch some tv and then go to bed. What is her day like? Where are you after school, at work? You need to be her life and make her life the life she should have at this age. A 14 year old should never be allowed to have a boyfriend in the first place. Today, tell her her relationship is over. No discussion. Then find somebody else for her to live with for a while. Somebody that won't take her crap and will enforce the rules and the law. Why would you ever allow a 14 year old to date a 18-19 year old MAN in the first place. Parenting is the problem on all points.

Answer 3

Well, you can't convince her to stop. But you can do everything you can to lead her in the right direction. I'm around 14 years old, and If I was "in love" with a nineteen year old boy, I don't think my mom could EVER convince me to stop dating him. But If she continued to talk about why I shouldn't, I would start to get messages going in my head that maybe she was right. Is this the same daughter that claimed she prostituted? Just wondering.

I know so many teens that drink, it doesn't necessarily mean that its going to become an addiction, or something to be really really upset about. Telling her to stop and going hardcore Mom will just make her do it more. I agree with the police about the cyber sex. Its pretty average.

If she is taking drugs, then maybe you could ask the police to do a test? I don't know if they will do it for you, but I know my school has a RCMP officer that has a breath tester-thingamabob to check kids that may be high @ school dances.

I can't believe that your daughter threat end to stab you, that's absolutely creepy. I'm really glad she didn't get the chance. I'm glad that you are going to begin counselling. That should straighten a bit of this hellhole of a problem out.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope everything ends yup better.
Message me next month? You don't have to, I just really want to know what happens.

Answer 4

It sounds like you're doing the right things.
Call the police EVERY time she does anything illegal: curfew violation, truancy, assault, drinking, ANYTHING. Explain to them that she's out of control and you need help. They may be reluctant to act at times, but you have to create this paper trail, make sure they take a report. This is the best way to get her some help if she won't obey you.
Make sure the school is on top of the situation too. Ask them to require a written note from you for any absence, because you are concerned she may skip school. The school may offer parenting classes to help deal with difficult teens.
When she gets off house arrest, most likely she will start acting out again. If not, so much the better. But keep her under close supervision, and if she doesn't obey, call the police. They are busy of course, so you have to be persistent.
The court can order all kinds of measures to help you and your daughter, if it comes to that.
Good luck; you sound like a responsible parent.

Answer 5

You can't make a fourteen listen, they have to want to do it and no matter how many rules you instill they will continue to do what they want until they get it.
It's great that your going to couseling soon and the best thing to do right now is to wait and see what happens next. There is something going on with her and the counselor may be able to provide you with the correct information.
Most times girls are crying out for attention they don't receive at home. They feel misunderstood, unloved, and are really confused about how they should act. They're being pulled in from their insecurities and are trying to latch on to something that makes them feel worthy and brings them joy.
The best thing you can do right now is talk with her and tell her that you love her and you want her to have a safe and wonderful teen life. The road she is going down may seem great now but if she continues on this way she is going regret it one day and all the things she's done can never be erased. Tell her you know she is strong and can make smart choices and no matter what she does you will always love her but she is testing your trust in her. Good luck.

Answer 6

She's 14. I'd go everywhere with her (even to school). While she's at the house, make sure the alarm is on so she doesn't sneak out. I've got 4 children and I'm feeling for you but you've got to take control of the situation and the only way to do that is target what you CAN control and that is your 14 year old. It'll be a lot of work for you but it'll be worth it. She's your baby and she'll hate you now but love you later for it. Good luck.

Answer 7

Convince her??? As in TALK her out of it??? Sh'es 14 there's no way she's going to listen to reason...You have to take charge here. If you KNOW that they're having sex call the police again and have this boy prosecuted. Get her into some serious counselling, and you don't say why...but how come she was let out of the detention center??? Did you rescue her??? I hope not b/c you would be doing her NO favors by saving her every time...

Answer 8

You need to call the cops. He has already endagered her. He gave her alcohol, and possibly drugs. No normal 19 year old man(and i use the term loosely) needs to be dating or having anything to do with a 14 years old girl. Have him arrested! Arent you worried about her saftey? To me he has put her in danger. Where do you live that the cops are telling you that theres nothing they can do? Is her father around to help?
Has this boyfriend been to jail yet? At 14 I dont even think she should be dating, as clearly she doesnt have the maturity after threataning to stab you. I would have her seek counseling. Does she have friends her age? Are they doing this garbage too? I hope for your sake that this boy gets locked up. How about getiting her involved in a youth group? Or even the girl scouts. I hope things get better for you. Good luck hun! Seems like you need it.

Answer 9

Don't let her go out at all except to school. Or tell her if she gets pregnant that you won't let her back in the house and she'll have to figure out what to do with it on her own. That thing with the cops is stupid. Technically dating a 19 year old is legal in most states. So just force her to tell you or send her far away to boarding school somewhere. Two months in a strict boarding school should straighten her out.

Answer 10

You are the PARENT, start acting like one. Why do you even allow your 14 year old daughter to date? She should be focusing on school, friends, and activities NOT on dating.

Do not allow her to go out. Take away her computer, cell phone, tv, etc. Lay down the law. This would not have even been a question in my house. If you break the rules, sometimes a beating is appropriate. Seriously, you cannot allow a 14 year old to control you.