What would you do?

Question

This morning I told my fiance that I wanted to stop working full time and start working part time. I’ve mentioned this to him and he never acknowledges me when its brought up. He demands that things be 50/50 but they are not really that way now. I do all the cooking and cleaning plus work 40 hours. I don’t think that’s fair and recently I’ve been getting more and more depressed about it. I’m tired of our house always being messy and unorganized because we’re not home enough to keep it clean and also a long list of other things that I could take care of with more time at home. We don’t need extra money right now and the only reason I work 40 hours is because he can’t stand the thought of me being home while he’s working. I keep thinking about what the future will be like when we are ready for children. If I can’t work at all what he will be like then…it’s a scary thought. Can anyone give me some advice about this?

Answer 1

Many men definitely have issues when it comes to being involved in helping with the household duties. I wish I understood why, but I don’t since I have always been the type who believes in 50/50 in every aspect of a relationship.

The key is making sure your fiancé understands how you feel about this. Communication is and always will be the most important aspect of a relationship. Typically we always feel we are communicating better than we are. If you lovingly present your thoughts and fears on this topic and your fiancé is unwilling to be accepting of these factors then that becomes something you have to really think through and decide what you are and what you are not willing to compromise on.

Your relationship should really be 50/50 through and through and you should never have to compromise much more than your partner. I have been in past relationships where I gave up so much more than my partner and that is a situation I would not allow myself to be in again. If your fiancé truly loves you he should be open and understanding of your hopes, desires, fears, etc. It doesn’t always mean he has to agree, but he should at least be willing to thoughtfully hear what you have to say and work with you to find a good solution for the two of you.

Also keep in mind it is easy for us to only think about what we want and expect that from our partner. You both need to weigh your motives behind this issue and work together to come up with a solution that works for the two of you together. That does not mean either of you will get exactly what you want, but rather hopefully exactly what your relationship needs.

I am no expert, but just speaking from past communication failures.

Answer 2

50/50 doesn't mean you both have exactly the same responsibilities around the house. In my family, I work and my wife doesn't. That doesn't mean it's not 50/50. She is a stay at home mother of a special needs child, she does about 80% of the cleaning and all of the cooking. (Okay, I cooked once... she took two bites, then the dog turned down the rest of her part... I lived on that for years before she came along! I don't know what her problem was...) It's a lot of work she has to do.

That doesn't discount the 50 hours a week I work, the two hours a day I spend in traffic, the frustration and politics I have to deal with that she doesn't. I don't have it easy either. And I come home from work and take over care of our son for a few hours in the evening. Her break is my time on with our son. Over all, if we were to count time with my son, I spend more time "on duty" doing something than she does, but since I have the more demanding schedule (meaning I'm the one that can't be 5 minutes late for work) she's the one who's on call over night, etc. Then I try to give her one weekend day where I take care of everything with our son so she can go out. Over all, I think we're about 50/50. But our duties are not at all identical.

Answer 3

I think that the problem is that he thinks that you want to give it altogether. Men get afraid when women mention the thought of not working, even if it's just a little bit of it, but what he has yet to realize is that you are already working outside of your job, you have the job at home? I tell you what I had the same problem with mine too, and we have kids,STOP! Don't do it, men have a habit of if you do it then they just don't worry about doing it, and no matter what you say to him, he is going to continue to not put in like he states 50/50, so you do only your 50% part and then he has no choice but to do it. They make you think that they were never alone, and never had to do any of the house work, though some haven't still, if you stop he will! Trust me I live with one, and that's the only way I got him to put in his percentage. When he starts to complain to you give him the spoon he fed you, its only 50/50 remember and after that explain to him how you feel and how you believe he's feeling, and that should shed some light to the situation, it worked for mine, and now for the moment I'm working part-time.

Answer 4

These are things that you 2 need to talk about and get worked out before you get married. They aren't going to change after marriage. You may not need the extra money right now, but how about putting some money away for your future together. This will be one less thing you have to add stress to your marriage. You 2 really need to sit down and have a long talk about the lifestyles you desire for your future together and make sure you are on the same page.

Answer 5

you know what ? you seem only to be important to him for how much your paycheck is . This should have been discussed before you agreed to marry him . He sounds like he want to avoid the issue of the money . Cant stand the thought of you being home while he is working ? that sounds very controlling to me . He sounds like he likes to control everything around him . that my dear is a control freak . The future will not be any different . He thinks that you are going to work while the kids are in day care . Well guess what day care cost a good deal of money . Sounds like you married a control freak and I think you need to re-evaluate your marriage or get some sort of counseling cause he does not sound like he is going to change without it . good luck and I hope I helped.

Answer 6

I wasted ten years of my life with a man like that, and every day he found fault with everything I did, or didn't do. Everything had to be his way, and when my youngest son was born he actively taught him to disrespect me, my family, and all women ( teachers, counselors, etc...) calling all stupid bit--es, this has been a continual nightmare and my son is now 18, and after over 2 years of not seeing his dad, except for very brief visits, his rage and hostility towards his family and others is starting to fade but this is something he will have to work on his whole life, as much as this hurt me the one his father hurt the most was his son, who hopefully won't carry this over into his relationships in the future.

Answer 7

If he demands 50/50 I believe he is talking income or financial issues but you need to demand 50/50 house work to him, since you don't need the extra income, if he fails to do his % of the home care then I would most definetly cut my hours to take care of it. When you have kids, it will be nearly impossible to work full time and be there for your kids. I ultimately gave up my career and stay at home to take care of my kids, it was a hard choice but it works for us.

Answer 8

This is an issue that should have been resolved before the wedding these are the kind of that's that put strain on a marriage you need to talk to him and really have a serious talk about this only the two of you can decide this

Answer 9

You say fiance...Yet it sounds as tho you're married. You dont need his 'permission' to change your work schedule. Please, Please, PLEASE put your marriage on hold. So that you can resolve these issues. If you're already seeing his lack of understanding NOW, you're absolutely correct is your concern for the future. You're situation will NOT improve. But rather will only escalate into an exhaustive losing battle. You are wise enough to see the red flag. HEED your gut feelings! Either he rethink HIS IDEA of a 50/50 relationship........Or you walk......It's that simple.

Answer 10

Talk to him, tell him how you feel. He might not even realize he's not helping or doing anything wrong. Tell him your concerns.