Did I get married for the wrong reasons?

Question

I've been married for almost 10 years but can't help to think that I did it for the wrong reasons. When I was dating her, we had the hottest sex ever and I knocked her up. So I did the responsible thing and married this woman. I did not want her to be another statistic, trashy low income single mom on welfare (where I come from there are a lot of women like this). So I made sure we both finished up college. Now we both have decent paying jobs and we have recently bought a house.

We have 2 kids now and I don't regret having either of them. But now I'm having doubts about my wife truly being my soulmate. Thing is, we both married too yourng and didn't really get to play the field to find that right person.

Did my sense of responsibility betray my needs?

Apparently I have the American dream: Wife, 2 kids, and a nice house. But it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm a slave to my job and trapped. I feel like I missed out on so much.

I have no good reason to leave her. She still gives me pleny of hot sex, and still looks great after 10 years and 2 kids. But if she were butt ugly, and had a bad attitude I might have been gone a long time ago.

Answer 1

The fact that you are asking this question says something.

I am a single mum currnetly on 'welfare' or goverment benefits as it is in Australia.... and I am far from trashy. I needed to point that out. Labelling someone becauase of their situation is wrong.

Back to the point....

What you did was very responsible and probably the right thing to do for her. But sometimes you do need to think of yourself.

Don;t make any rash decisions to leave your wife.
Do you have a dream that you can fulfill without jeapordising what you have with your family? Something that you can do just for you?

I think sometimes it is important that we focus on ourselves. We tend to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life and we forget who we are.

It is very important to rediscover yourself. Maybe you shoud try this first. You may discover that once you have refound yourself, your situation may not seem so bad...

Or you may realise that what you have is not what you want.

Either way.... get to know yourself again, the rest should just follow.

Answer 2

Well, it is good that you care about what happens to her and your children. I think repsonibility and needs are the same in some ways here....and they are your children. But marrying her just because you got her pregnant, well, yes you did get married for the wrong reasons, but your intentions were good. Even if you did not marry her, I would believe that you would have provided for your child. And if you leave her now she would become a statistic....

I do not believe in soulmates, soulmates implies to me at least, that the relationship should come naturally to you...and that is not how any relationship works...Relationships are work..and sometimes you just do not feel like doing it.....Yes, you might have gotten married too young..(you did not say how young), but, that was then and this is now.

Feeling trapped in your job really has nothing to do with your marriage.

I would seek some sort of counseling...either together with your wife or alone. Maybe you can get some issues resloved then.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

You wouldn't have gotten married unless you felt passionately about this woman. If you didn't feel that way, then well, you shouldn't have gotten married!

My guess is that you've lost a bit of that passion to the one thing that drives a lot of relationships mad - "routine". If you two get along and connect well on an emotional level, you are probably more perfect for one another than you realize. However, if you feel that you aren't communicating like you used to, try to add something fresh to the relationship. Travel, take a couple vacations within a short time period, revisit the places you met or used to hang out, etc.

There's a lot you can do to deepen the connection in a relationship, even when it looks like you weren't meant for each other. I congratulate you on being the responsible person, but realize that it doesn't just have to be about devotion! After putting in the effort and not seeing the results you desperately need, then it's probably best for the two of you to go your separate ways. Companionship is not something I'd settle for. You want to grow old with someone that needs you as much as you need them.

Answer 4

Hello,
Welcome to the real world- As far as the house, bills, kids and the wife THIS IS IT.
Does it get any better?
YOU BET IT DOES!

How? It's called teem effort.
WORK ON IT !
Make that house into a home,
Make them bills go down to a reasonable level- Go on the debt diet
Make the kids your children, give them a reason to call you dad.
Make your wife feel she is your soul mate.
How do you really know or do you even care that you partner might be feeling the same as you feel?
Try until you can't no more, then.
Make a plan that all can compromise with-
Make the best out of a bad situation.

Some people just can't see the forest through the trees.

Not saying that fits you because I don't even know you to pass the judgement call.
But dear when you got lemon make lemon aid.
And if you just can't remember this:
It is better to have lost love, than never to be loved at all.

God bless
^j^ Sandra ^j^

Answer 5

Am sorry for how you are feeling.Tell me something what are the resoans that makes you think that she is not your soulmate?Did you realise this after you had some one else in mind what exactly makes you think of living your family that you have lived with for more than ten years.One thing i know is that once you part ways with your wife your children will never be happy in thier lives and this will affect all thier lives.Running from aproblem may learnt you into a bigger trouble.You better sit down with your wife and talk about the current situation.What does she feel about your opinion,Does she know about what youre planning?Before you do anything or make any decision i kindly ask you to just give it a little more thinking about the good times you had,you kids in another setup,yes you may find your happiness but waht about them?Sometimes i sacrifice my ambitions and happiness just for the sake of those i love so much.Your kids are innocent you may have to do this for them.
Let peace be with you.

Answer 6

no. i just think things have got too much and ur thinking what have i done with my life. u can only deal with the situation at hand. the grass is always greener on the other side and what happens if u split would u be any happier without ur kids andthe support she gives u. she is not this red hot vixen anymore because u both have grown up. if u were in another relationship this would eventually happen too. she seems like an extraordinary woman to me and u obviously have met ur mat5ch u have woeked together to get through college etc. te prob is too many people quit on relationships. stick with it. whats the alternative. it may not turn out the way u want. someone said to me think about what u want desire, and what u really want deep down. and trust me its a faithful loving wife commitment and kids.

Answer 7

I don't know what goes on in your marriage but ten years a lot of time a lot can happen with the kids the fact you are both working a mortgage to pay. I think you may just put everything before your relationship it is easy to do i have been with my fiance for four year one little girl and pregnant again working and paying off debts it can be hard to keep your relationship together. But your relationship is the primary relationship in your family then the relationship with your children. But the family the bought house all came about because you and your wife had a connection. It is important you and your wife have a loving relationship to create a good example for your kids. The job the house are things in your life. Your family is what is important. I don't know about you but when im old and Grey i would prefer my husband and kids and hopefully grand kids to be with me and i would what to share the family we have created with my husband. Think about your marriage the rest will follow if you are content in love you will be in life.

Answer 8

yep, had the same deal..i could have written this letter.
for some reason when you do the right thing for the wrong reasons it gets screwed up. the object of matrimony should be that you give each other happiness.
If one or both of a couple are not happily married then you had better get some counseling to bring you back to the point of mutual happiness. Life is too short to live a life of regret..in the end its not what you do that you regret its what you did not do that you regret. Try to get some outside help before you two drift apart and once that happens....well it ain't pretty for the kids.
The biggest gift a father could give his children is to love their mother...think about that...

Answer 9

honestly, despite of the situation, I think everyone goes through this phase...
I think you were wonderfully responsible for marrying her... but if you divorce her now, you won't be getting back any of the time you already commited.
Chances are you did marry her for the wrong reasons... but then again, what are the right reasons ?
Hot sex does not last forever... nor does passion...
Friendship and lots in common is the best bet for a great lasting relationship, in my view.
You miss hot sex ?
I bet she does too :o)

and if you had that before, I am sure you can do it again !
think about investing in your relationship rather than playing the field... it is empty out there - you seem to be too nice to want to have shallow sex with women you will never see again...
gets old real quick !

Answer 10

evry one nowadays marries for the wrong reason till it has come to a point where there are no more reason. there are those who marry to avoid the sahme, some marry for the money, others for the house, others for the name, others to have great nad intelligent children......and the list is endless. What I am trying to say is tha your dounts are justified and they cross through everyones mind nowadays. Evn those who are searchind and single are still strategizing on who they will marry. 10 years is a long time. You need a break from your family. Go away on your own in a foreign land with no communication. That is when you will treasure the people youhold dear.