Is my poem any good?

Question

Title:
Written by a 14 year old girl
Inspired slightly by the Helena music video, by My Chemical Romance

Everyone seated themselves on a pew bench lining the church.

I sat in the second row, quiet and remembering you.

Over next to the organ is your newly-found resting place

Surrounded by red rose petals and the tears of others that stain you

You left this place, witb no words to say or hear

All I remember about your passing were the words, "I'm sorry..."

But, love, you have nothing to apologize for, now

Because in the event of your death, I learned it was my fault

It was my words that brought you down

It was my doing to leave you alone in this hell of a place

It was my thoughts that took me away from you that day

Now as I watch everyonego up and say a few words about you

I wonder what I shall say when I stand in front of them

That it was my fault that you left us?

That I should be the dead one?

When the last of the speakers before me walked back to their seat

I stood up and walked down the aisle in a dignified fashion.

I never expected that at the end of that aisle would be your lifeless body, not your smile

As I walked, I hid back my tears and the thoughts running through my mind

As I turned around and met with the faces in the crowd

Each one tear-stained or red-eyed with empathy and misery

I took a few intakes of the cold, dusty air of the church

And closed my eyes for a moment to gather my calmness

When I opened them, I realised that everyone's eyes were full of hate

They knew why you died and it wasn't because of them

Instead, it was because of my foolishness and lack of caring

That made you drink the intoxicated liquid that ended you

It was because of my decrease in understanding that this came

I just looked forward and opened my lips.

Three words escaped from them.

"I loved him..."

Everyone gasped, as if they never knew the truth of this statement

I just nodded and walked over to your casket.

I reached inside my coat and pulled out the very thing that would bring me to you

"So long and goodnight," I said, raising the gun to my head and pulled the trigger.

Answer 1

Your other poem was pretty good: a few cliches here or there, but oh well. (I know it was cliche cuz I've written similarly.)

This one was wonderful! Great job! Keep writing, keep improving, keep living!

(P.S. I'd give you a good "EMO EMO EMO EMO" chant like the others, but if one gives a happy emo chant, that kinda defeats the purpose.) (Let me try it like this... "emo emo emo emo".)

(P.P.S. [heheh] some day soon maybe I'll have a couple of my proems up on the web too.)

Answer 2

This was very heart-felt. I read this by accident and would almost never reply to such a posting, but I felt the need to encourage your literary mind. You have a very clear and dignified style for someone of such young age. What you've written here isn't really poetry, it's prose (which you should be happier with, because prose is much cooler). There are better places to share your writing (such as http://www.quoteland.com ), but I'm glad I stumbled across this. Keep writing - you're talented.

Answer 3

omg!!!
are sure you are 14?

I know it sounds rude but it is soooooooo nice!!!
ok, i am 17 this december but i don't think i can write poem like you. It is so sad and you had done a good job.

The only thing is, the 12th line, the part,
"Now as I watch everyonego up and say a few words about you"
you forgot the part everyonego is supposed to be every one go not everyonego.
that's all every other things are Perfect!

I like the last line.

Answer 4

Most impressive for a 14 year old, if a little depressingly morbid! But you obviously have a strong talent for creative writing, so keep it up.

Answer 5

It brought shivers down my spine.. it is a wonderful poem, despite its sadness. I hope you can also write in more.. lightful and positive ways :)

Answer 6

ummmm...very, very, very good!

may *you* share the peace that you find from this with others!