What's left when you don't have trust anymore?

Question

My husband and I had a really big fight. There were things said and both of us were wrong, but we talked it out and we promised each other we wouldn't talk to anyone else about our business. Well, today my friend told me that my husband had told her husband about our fight and about a lot of other problems we've had. He promised me he wouldn't talk about our personal issues to his friends..but he lied to me. I feel like his friend is more important to him than I am, and I don't fee like I can trust him anymore. What do you do when you get to this point?


And please don't tell me "Oh, men tell each other stuff." because I realise that, but this isn't about sex or football..this is serious and very personal stuff he's telling him..things I expressed to him I didn't want repeated.. and he swore he wouldn't. Does he care about how I feel at all?!

Answer 1

talk to him about it...in the end if there really isn't any trust left, you really don't have much to work on. You could either go to counseling as a couple, try to live with it, or end it

Answer 2

Disenchantment. It is the same whether the relationship is between two people in an intimate relationship, two partners in a business relationship, employees/employer, or between nations.

If someone is being dishonest or unethical.not living up to an implicit contract of treating the other with mutual respect, or if the other is making capricious decisions based on irrational criteria, then it is impossible for the partner to feel respected and a decision has to be made as to what the two want out of any long-term relationship (if any).

If both parties truly and honestly want to have a relationship endure indefinitely, then every attempt should be made to meet common ground. That doesn't mean rolling over to the other party, but it can mean that conceding certain battles is more worthwhile to the end of a strategic victory for your relationship. If you don't have long-term objectives, CUT AND RUN. Try to part on amicable terms. Definitely don't initiate a slash and burn tactic unless provoked - and even then, try to de-escalate. But if things get ugly, try to get as much as you can.

Remember, your reputation in the 21st century will follow you for the rest of your life - no matter where you move. Make every decision with ethical considerations or that affect other people like it will be splashed across the New York Times.

Answer 3

If your husband made a promise to you and broke it, he is wrong for doing that. Especially when he tells his friend everything, which should not be any ones business.

Your husband should learn how to keep his mouth shut when it comes to personal problems. Instead of going to his friend, he should be talking to you about 'fixing' the problems with your marriage.

It seems that he is immature in that area, but what you need to express to him, is sit with him and be calm about it, tell him that you feel hurt that he exposed your personal problems to his friend when it only should have been between you two. Do this without yelling. Ask him to respect your wishes to not talk to others about personal things. What he is doing is wrong and disrespectful to you. He needs to know that.

I would consider on reading two books called, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". If you both want to save your marriage, get these books and read them together! (smile)

Answer 4

Depending on the severity of the secrets shared, men and women talk with friends about certain concerns they may have. Not to be an asshole but his friend should keep his mouth shut. A man needs a guy friend or even a girl/friend that they should be able to go to in confidence. It may seem like he is betraying you but he is trying to deal with the situation the best he can as well by getting an opinion on how best to deal with the matter at hand. If it's something as serious as say bulimia, depression, or rape. He does need to keep his mouth shut to everyone but you. Perhaps counseling would do well for you. It will allow him to vent his frustrations/thoughts/opinions about the matter with you present and still get that second opinion he was maybe looking for by telling his friend. If he cherishes your marriage he will go to counseling if you choose to do so.

Answer 5

Go back to the beginning. It's the same thing you do when you're reading a book you don't quite get or you get lost en routeo your destination. Go back and look at why you got married inthe first place. Put yourself out there. He's your husband and that's what he will be (till a divorce or w/e).

Talk about it. If you wanna for the whole day.

Or since he prefers to talk to a friend, get his friend and your friend together. The four of you....no arguments and quarelling, and just sit and talk. Trust me, you'll find out a lot more and you'll learn more about him and yourself.

Look at the big picture!

Answer 6

You still have the spouse you chose to marry even though the trust is gone... Seek counseling and help for you and your marriage... Do all you can to try to work on and save this marriage. Be honest with your husband and tell him what you really feel and dont yell or fight when you do so.. talk to him calmly about it. Tell him how this hurts you and make you feel. As him if he cares how you feel at all.... See what he has to say and answers back to you!

Answer 7

I feel for you!!!
My ex-bf was like that. Each time something went bad between us the whole world would know and I looked so stupid and naive.
If they do not understand right from wrong and that they are hurting their partners with their actions there isnt much you can do.
Have you considered counselling? Maybe a third person that has the appropriate knowledge can bring some sense to your man.

Answer 8

That's a really tough question, because the trust is now gone. I guess you'll just have to sit down and have a good, long talk with him to see if anything can be rebuilt. Do you still love him? If so, it's certainly worth the effort. I'm sure he probably cares, but some people don't know how to zip there lips.......... Good Luck.

Answer 9

it sounds as though he still may have some reservations about talking openly with you. maybe there is a sence that he does not have to worry about the reprocassions of what he says. it is obviously a topic that is near and dear to you but he still is left with the want of more answers. now im not taking his side i would say the same thing to him if he was asking the question. sometimes you just confide in someone and need to vent. im sure you have done this in the past as well. but he may have chosen the wrong person to confide in since his friend told his wife and she in turn told you. not very friendly

Answer 10

Trust begins with yourself. Learn to love, honor and trust yourself. If you can learn to love and accept yourself, without judgment, you will be able to accept others without judgment. Your husband is whatever he is. You either take him the way he is, warts and all, or you don't. This doesn't mean you can't negotiate for change. Sit down with him and talk about what bothers you. Tell him it is your feeling he is not honoring you. It's not important whether he agrees with you or not, it's the way you feel that you're talking about. He needs to recognize that it is your feelings that hurt. Each of you must honor the others feelings. If he can't do that, you may want to reconsider your relationship.

Answer 11

I am sorry that you are feeling that you can't trust him.
Maybe he just felt that he needed to talk to someone about it, and turned to someone he could trust. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. At least he is opening up about what is bugging him, and maybe from his you can move forward. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, sometimes it is easier to talk to a friend, especially after a big fight with your spouse. Good Luck to you