How do you overcome extreme jealously when your sister-in-law is getting married when you really want to?

Question

I've been in a relationship for ten years and really want to be married but my partner dosen't think it's important.My sister-in-law always has to outdo me but this time it has hit a nerve and I can't stop crying and obsessing. I just wont go away.Why am I feeling like this? Normally nothing bothers me.

Answer 1

Jayne,

If you want to get married and your partner doesn't want to, you have to ask yourself if it matters to you so much that you want to move on. After ten years, unless he has been upfront with you from the beginning and has a good reason why you shouldn't get married, I think you should really consider if you should be with him.

I am sure it is brutal to throw away 10 years, but if this guy is committed to you, I think he should have married you by now.

I don't think anyone should be manipulated into getting married, but I don't think anyone should be wasting anyone else's life either. There comes a time you have to cut your losses.

I think you need to ask yourself if you are really upset that your sister in-law is getting married or if you are just upset that her life is changing for the better and you are to afraid to take a risk. It is a natural reaction, but I think you should ask this guy to marry you and if he doesn't say yes immediately, I think you should consider telling him that the situation you're in just isn't enough for you anymore and although you appreciate the fact that he has to do what is best for him, you have to do what is best for you. Don't give him a guilt trip or try to manipulate marriage from him - you will regret this if you do. Try staying strong and just deliver that message.

You shouldn't settle for a life that isn't entirely the life you want. You have some decisions to make and I don't know why but I get the feeling you feel your life is a little 'stale'. I could be wrong, but if that is how you're feeling, make any necessary changes. Hit a gym if you don't already go, pick up some new skills (pottery, learn to play the guitar, etc.), take a course, get a make over, spoil yourself. I truly believe that unless you are fully happy with yourself you will always be taken for granted. You deserve better than this and it is never too late - I don't care how old or young you are!

Don't be bitter about your sister in-law finding happiness - it won't get you anywhere. Try to be happy for her and make the decision that you are going to do what is best for you, even if it will initially hurt like hell. You are worthy of being in a committed relationship. People say that it "isn't necessary" and that marriage is only a piece of paper but the older we get the more we understand that that is just bull. Yes, two people can be happy without being married and have a fullfiling life, but only when two people agree that they don't want to. Children often keep these couples feeling bonded. If your partner thinks it isn't necessary but knows it means so much to you, why would he hesitate? He needs to come clean so you can have the life you are entitled to.

Answer 2

Don't blame your sister-in-law for having what you want. I doubt that she's getting married just to show you up (that's a little extreme, don't you think). The real problem is your partner's refusal to commit. While it may not be important to him/her, it is obviously extremely important to you. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your partner and express your feelings. Your partner needs to explain why marriage "isn't important", in light of how you feel about it. Then it's up to you to decide if it's worth wasting any more time in a relationship that isn't going to give you what you want more than anything else. P.S. If you leave your partner, you might be surprised to discover that he/she eventually finds someone and marries that person. It may be that they just didn't want to marry YOU.

Answer 3

Because ur jealous like u said, and ur not so much jealous over the fact that she specifically is getting married, ur jealous over the fact that ur man wont do it..
Its not her fault that ur man wont marry u , so u need to stop lashing out towards her and be happy for her..
You obviously love ur man to stick by him for 10 years with out the marriage license, and id be willing to bet after 10 years ur living together and everything is about as close as u can be with out the paper, so u already have the marriage, and if u've lived together for 6 years, most states recognize it as common law marriage, so although its not ur dream wedding u could very well be married ..
But nonetheless. ur the one that choses to be with a man that has no interest in getting married, and that is ur fault, ur doing.. so u cant blame anyone else for your own choices in life, if marriage was all that important to u , u would of chose marriage over being with him, but obviously u love this man, enough to give that dream up, so u either need to cope with the decision u've made.. or move on, but either way u need to stop lashing out at others for ur choices, anytime u can leave and decide he's not worth the wait, u have no one to blame but urself if its not happening, sorry if it sounds harsh but its very true and u know it..

Answer 4

Honey I am sorry to say this, but your problem isn't jealousy it's you staying in a very obviously dead-end relationship.

You are crying because the man you love does not want to marry you and you are obsessing because you are stuck on a road nowhere near marriage.

I don't know the relationship you have with your sis-in-law, but she sounds like a jerk and I would try my best to ignore her. I know it's difficult in your tender mood, but just know that she isn't a very happy soul herself. Truly happy people have no thought for petty games of competition.

What I'm curious about is the rest of the story of your relationship. Does your man know how important marriage is to you? Does he know how deeply you feel about it? Does he know how much it hurts you? Have you tried to discuss this with him? Have you tried talking it out?

If you answered "Yes" to any of those questions then maybe you should ask yourself why you choose to be with someone that doesn't want the same thing out of life as you.

I would hope that you both consider to see a couples counselor and talk out why marriage is important to you and why it isn't with him. If it comes down to the fact of having different beliefs/ideas about it, then one of you has to budge. Can you accept never being married? Can he ever accept marriage?

Either way ask yourself why you would settle for less than what you want out of your life and don't waste your time paying any attention to your pesky sister-in-law.

Answer 5

B/C you want a union with your partner and he won't give it to you and now someone that you know and be close with or speak to and see, is getting what you want but don't be jealous because you can be in that same situation if you put your foot down 10 yrs no ring and marriage wow you need to rethink your relationship and stop stressing over your sister inlaw

Answer 6

Piepiepie i am so glad you arent my sister in law cause you sound like a BIG B*TCH. School yard bully!!
Jayne ee hang in there love. Talk to your partner. Men feel no need for change if things are going good the way things are. Talk to him and tell him how you feel.

Answer 7

You are with the wrong partner. It's not your sister in law's fault. It is yours for being with someone for ten years who will not give you what you want. This pain is a signal to you to act on your own behalf before it is too late.

Answer 8

Don't be jealous of your sister in law it is not her fault that he won't commit.Talk to your partner and tell him how strongly you feel and how much pain you are feeling.You have been together for 10 yrs. Be sure it is the marriage that you want and not the wedding.

Answer 9

IF you have been together with this thing for 10 years and the wedding walk hasn't happened get out of dodge. If marrage is that much of an issue i know some foreign friends that need a green card let me know?

Answer 10

I think it is because you really want to get married to your partner so bad and now you are seeing that it is happening to everyone except yourself!! Even though you said that nothing really bothers you because you want this so bad it is at the moment!! There is nothing to be shamefull about and I think you should really talk to your partner about this telling him how you feel and explaining that this is really something that you want!! If he loves you he will think it through!!