I married a man who cannot put himself in someone elses shoes, ever. Learn to live with it or leave?

Question

Do you know anyone like this? Its the strangest thing. Its like almost having a relationship. I have tried to remake ME through counseling, selfhelp, classes, seminars thinking I am the one who is unhappy and he has been the same old "ned". ex--I became wheelchair bound for 6 wks. He never discussed it, he never cried or prayed with me and every morning, he'd leave for work without asking if I was okay, could get to the chair? nothing. Day after day of this....like nothing was happening. Then he'd drive me to appts, sit listen to docs, he even built me a ramp (a yr later). But he never once offered an opinion or any emotional support. If I push it, he talks about what is like for him. I've found great friends for support. Its just he can be so impersonal that I spin. He lent out my snowmobile without asking me because I couldnt walk and said that was logical. When I said how much that hurt me he said I was being silly that it shouldnt sit there.

I said NO...he lent it out again. Now he decided it should be his. It's not about the sled ...its about how much it hurt me...he's going along as if life hasn't changed. He also has a quirk...he can't help it, he talks about ething as his or mine (20+ yrs)-- We never go anywhere I want... He doesn't share and is never thoughtful. He says I can go where ever I want if I have the $$... If its something that appeals to him or is helping him in some way he can be charming, helpful and personable. But he is always like an invited guest. I wish I could describe it better. When we have ppl over he only helps with dishes if he invited them....he cleans only his stuff. Then he gets in the mood for a project and my gfs think he's wonderful and I start 2nd guessing myself. Truth is most proj take mos to complete and if you ask him for help he can say, I'd love to but I am working on this or that project. Which is sort of true...but no...what do you think?

Answer 1

He's very self centered. I know exactly what you mean...and that 'Learn to live with it or leave' philosophy is bull. Why should everyone in his world have to change to accomodate him...and he should never have to change to accomodate someone else? That doesn't fly. What makes HIM so special, that HE doesn't have to learn to live with it, or leave? He'd probably FREAK if you lent his favorite tool out, because you knew 'he had no skills and couldn't use it properly anyway.'

Answer 2

I think you're husband probably just has a different way of expressing empathy. I have a feeling he CAN actually put himself in other people's shoes, but isn't verbal about expressing this side of himself. I don't know if it's a "man" thing or a personality thing. I suggest you both get counseling. By pushing him to open up to you, you might actually be causing him to stay quiet about his feelings. Before considering divorce, why don't you go to counseling together? It sounds like you could both use some professional help in this matter. And after all... you married him. There must have been something you liked about him in the beginning!

Answer 3

Sorry to hear about you being wheelchair bound for only 6 weeks and it is good to hear that you wanted to better yourself with all that you have been through.

You husband has stood by you from the beginning. Does it matter if he chooses not to talk about your hurt, but has went with you to your appointments, built you a ramp even though it was a year later that he built it.....with him just being there with you, don't you even appreciate anything about him? Don't you think that he has hurt for you, but except it is hard to express his feelings to you of how he feels or his opinions? Has it ever occured to you that maybe he didn't want to talk to you about these matters because you have already have been through so much? Of course he is going to ask what it is like for him....he has "feelings" too! Have you ever asked him if he is feeling okay?

It doesn't seem like the counseling has helped you because to him, you are still the same person. He has made a comment to you saying, "What it's like for him", anotherwards, how it has affected him, but you just ignored those words, but kept on pushing it. So, what have you done for him, instead of the nagging and complaining that he doesn't show his feelings to you.

Two good books to read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage".

Ask yourself this question, "Of what I have been through, was my husband affected with this too?" If so, then you as his wife should help him too. Works both ways! (smile)

Sorry for being too harsh. But, don't let little things affect your marriage, because it seems like it is already going that direction.

Answer 4

Not everyone can express themselves verbally. You know? Men especially have a hard time expressing how they feel. He took you to appointments. He listened to the doctors. He built you a ramp...like most husbands, it took a year to get around to, but nonetheless. I don't think this is a reason to leave. He obviously loves you. He just can't express it how you wish he could express it. Does not mean he can't put himself in someone elses shoes. Simply means he has a hard time putting it into words, or prefers to keep it to himself. I am German. Our entire family is like this. You must have known this about him before you married. Unless he went through a complete metamorphisis after the fact, I would say you are looking for something to dwell on. Why would YOU need counseling because he can't say, "Honey, I feel so terrible for your situation, I should just gouge my own eye's out so I can feel your pain."

Answer 5

It very interesting when we take our vows to love, honor, cherish and obey. In sickness and in health-when the sickness comes into play, strange things begin to happen. Especially with men. NOT ALL MEN, but a lot. It's almost as if they just don't know what to do? Men are fixers. Something gets broken, they fix it! But when someone they love gets broken, and super glue and duct tape won't do, they feel helpless. Here you are. His beautiful wife that walked down the asile with him, now wheelchair bound. There is nothing they can do to!?! And it becomes very frustrating and stressful to the point where they just shut down. I see how you can be frustrated with him over this. Are you still in your wheelchair? You said that you were bound for 6 weeks, so I wasn't sure if you were still in one or not. But at least your in counseling and working on you! Keep that communication open with him, and keep letting him know how you feel. You know, maybe if you try to connect to him and HIS feeling and issues concerning this, maybe he'll be more receptive to talking about yours.

Answer 6

Men have funny ways of expressing feelings and Compassion. I think he is ignoring the situation because then he would have to deal with it and he has no way of knowing how to do that. Did you ever read that book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Well the man who wrote that sure had studied the Female Population well. A man and a woman can hear a comment and Both can interpret it a different way. When men are sick, us women will mother them and coddle them. When we are sick, they tend to want to sit back and wait for us to tell them what to do. Its not really their fault, Its how most were raised..

Answer 7

No emotion at all? It's a good thing that you have supportive friends. Your Ned is never going to change. You've changed a lot mostly to understand him. I don't know what to tell ya. I don't think I could sit there with a grump like that.

Answer 8

I would leave. Life is too short to make due. You sound like you are not happy. Do not waste another moment with this heartless man. That was a mean thing he did with the snow mobile. I think you need a fresh start, there are caring men out there. Good luck!

Answer 9

You two are having communications problems. Sounds like he has never faced his own grief about the change you've had and so has never adjusted. It's like he's ignoring the situation hoping it will go away.

He'll have to accept it one way or the other. Do what you need to do for you.

Answer 10

Ha! Most men are like that. Mine is. He never can understand my pain but when it comes to his oh well, he's a baby even if it's the same pain I've been through. So, if you love him & that's his only fault than keep him it could be worse.