Tell me what you think makes a successful marriage? How much time do you spend together?

Question

I automatically think "WE". I take the two becoming one thing very seriously. My husband is much more independent. For a long time I thought he just had a healthier way of looking at relationships and I bought into a lot of oprahisms about being my own self-fulfilled individual. Well I am plenty self fulfilled and plenty lonely. Actually, I don't think he cares one way or the other about anything but himself. What I need is a litmus test. I am plenty comfy. We have built our careers and raised kids. We are content in many ways. But it seems he'd be happy to see me once a week and then only for coffee or a lunch date. Am I expecting too much from the male species? Is that good enough? Am I being unrealistic......

What triggered this is that he suggested separate vacations. I thought we were waiting to take vacations cause of the expense of raising kids, etc. With the kids grown I am mortified that he is still content to sit home...and doesn't care to put any effort into anything I want to do. He says go and he says he is being supportive..... whats up with that?

Answer 1

I don't think your being unrealistic or expecting to much. My husband and I have been together a long time, raised 4 children and we still don't think we get enough time together. He would much rather spend time with me than anything else. When he does have to go out of town for work for a few days he always asks me to go with him, he comes home for lunch every day and I can set the clock by him timing on coming home whether it be his lunch visit or the end of his work day. Any chance he gets to take off early and come home he's here. He's so looking forward to retiring so there won't be a reason for him to have to run off everyday, luckily for us that day isn't too far off.

Answer 2

You are talking about a husband not some childhood boyfriend. He should be thinking more about his family (you) and about making his family happy. Its hard to hear that your married and lonley (it shouldnt make sense) unfortunatly it does. My partner of six years whom I have recently seperated, we were practically Joined at the hip, it was like the show could not go on if the other. I thought that was normal now that I'm single I've noticed there arnt many men out there who enjoy spending there time with there partner unless its out for a drink/coffee or dinner. Unrealistic, no not at all, i thinks its funny that men think were still going to want them when there like that, the things is you can only stay in a relationship so long, until one day you say to your self I can do better, Most of the time you can and will. There are men out there (limited) but still there who want nothing more than to spend time with you doing the things you want to do, you used to do - and more. I read the bit about taking holidays at different times what is that! He sounds like a man who's asking for a divorce - hearing that would be like a kick in the face. If your married, there is no holidaying seperatly. Thats my opinion, your man is looking for trouble. Good luck it sounds like he's an **** who needs to think about what he could be losing by making such a suggestion. If it was 100% ok with you, then ok but its obviously not. Rachxx

Answer 3

What makes a successful marriage hmm let me think here.. I would say being selfless and treating the other person the way you would want to be treated.. Love them where they are at and do not try to change them... Change yourself to be the spouse you need to be for them. Communication and trust and honesty is very important and being faithful to each other is key.. Another key is forrgiveness of each other faults and saying sorry when you are wrong and asking them to forgive you for it. Seeking help for you marriage if you need it... Spending time together just because and holding hands alot. You are not expecting to much... Date him alot and call him just because and say hi and ask him how his day is going... Tell him you love him adn are so glad that he is your husband and that you are honored to be his wife. Watch and see what happens and how he responds to that one:) Give him a nice body massage or make him a nice dinner at home with candles once in a while and surprise him with a nice bubble bath together afterwards. Marriage is what you make of it. I love it when my husband just calls me to see how i am doing throughout the day and just to say I love you... He does this all the time and he does little things for me alot.. I have a great marriage and I would not trade him for anyone else ever on this earth... Also God being the center of your marriage is important and helpful as well...

http://www.marriagetoday.org

http://www.marriageadvice.com

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

http://www.drphil.com

These are some great sites to check out and to get ideas from and to learn more about what makes a successful marriage! I wish you the best and romance his socks off!

Answer 4

This breaks my heart. I know how devastating lopsided relationships can be. I honestly haven't a clue how you retrain a man like this until he actually loses, hits bottom ... what happens if he were to lose you? Would he care? Would he replace you? Don't focus on him at all ... this would be my test. Get a new circle of friends and see what happens. You might feel more fulfilled with better friends and he may or may not pursue, but at least you'll know.

Answer 5

OK Something just does not sound right here. I would be very suspicious here. I mean separate vacations. Do you think may be he is having an affair? Could be. Check you phone records for suspicious numbers. Check you bank statements, credit cards. For any thing that just can't be easily explained. Wake up honey, Just don't let him know you are suspicious. Go on like with your life like you don't suspect a thing. I don't know about your economic situation if you can afford and Private investigator. To help you. Please just don't go one wondering find out. I know from experience

Answer 6

One person's ideal situation is another person's hell. Sounds like that's what you have - your hell, and his ideal.

I had to leave my marriage after 6 years because our ideals were so divergent. He was a "human doing", was so driven he could not just hang out and be - always had to be doing something and stirring up chaos. There is no lonelier feeling than being physically in the same space as someone who has no clue who you are or that you exist.

If it were me, I'd be really hurt if my husband wanted separate vacations. Why the hell can't they just be honest and say they want out? They leave the dirty work to us. Just my opinion.

Answer 7

I don't know. Have you tried telling him that you are afraid your relationship is getting into dangerous territory? That there isn't enough intimacy and romance anymore? That you still respect him, but relationships take work?

And for goodness sake, don't wait to ask when you've already decided to leave. That sucks. "Relationships take work, and BTW this one is over".

Answer 8

when i read your question...

i read three things. there are some 'we' but a lot of 'him' and especially 'ME.

you both are selfish and immature people who got together for the sake of getting together. he is as much self absorbed as you are. you worship upirself and he feels he is the cat's meow!

first of all: I HATE OPRAH AND THE STUPID TERM 'OPRAHISMS'. she is not the messiah to women and it seems only stupid mindless women flock to hear every utterance from a belch to a f@rt she makes and takes it holier than the bible.

women are so confused right now...it's incredible. i feel that it is mainly due to the 'oprah winfrey syndrome'. she is the biggest hypocrite in the world...telling women that they can be everything and anything, to go and tackle the world and not take cr@p from anyone esp a man.

so women go out there, get a good education, start their career, slowly climb up the corporate ladder, find some spineless man to tolerate her, squeeze a few kids out, back to the office only less time to spend there cuz jimmy has a cold and needs to be picked up from school early, leave office early with work in had, pick jimmy up, doctors office for two hours, pharmacy, grocery store, drive home, start dinner and make cookies from scratch, tuck jimmy in bed with a hot chocolate and serve him fresh baked cookies, read him a story, finish dinner only not on time when husband comes home from having the boss bark down the back of his neck (he put in a full day), he's tired, woman proceeds to tell him her entire day in painful detail, have dinner, he does the dishes, she finishes up the work she brought home while he does the dishes. jimmy up and crying, both off to the emergency room (because you two ar a team, a team i tell you), wait 4 hours at the ER, dr says it is an ear infection. another prescription, another pharmacy wait. back home, soothe jimmy to sleep. both pass out from exhaustion, no sex, get fat from lack of exercise. both gow more and more distant....each lving their own life and feeling not only do they not want the other person, they do not need the other person.

thanks oprah! thanks for F*CKING up so many people with your stupid OPRAHISMS that was only designed to do one thing...keep and raise ratings, make a ton of money for herself at the expense of the social and mental welfare of all those who pant after her. how's your happy marriage going oprah? how's your kids doing, oprah? how's your husband, oprah? oh, none of these? yet you still spout so much credibility? you make me F*CKEN SICK!!!

Answer 9

i've notice there is a difference between my married friends and my wife and.The couples who are actually comfortable to be in the restroom when their spouse is using it get along better than the ones who prefer privacy. lol

Answer 10

marriage is a lost case your better of runinng in to a knife.