Huge dillema.......need advice?

Question

I'm 33 thankfully at the end of a divorce...10 years, four children (in 5 years) getting "joint" custody. The divorce has been going on for more than 2 years... very long story. At any rate, although I'm doing things backwards a bit... I'm finally ready to live a life for me. Regaining my financial independence, surrounding myself w/ positive people..etc. I'm highly educated (MBA in Economics,speak Japanese) yet have sacrificed my career to stay home w/my children, now 9,7,5,and 4. I'm okay w/that. Problem is I just met (at Starbucks) a really, really nice man, really nice. We spontaneously talked for two hours, and just got along about so many things, but I think he thinks I'm just a regular single girl. I don't look my age, and I have a lot of energy, and even most people who know me can't believe that I have four children. What do I do? He wants to go skiing/ or hiking or something fun this weekend. (Good for me, as I won't have the kids) What do I do...and say ?HELP

Answer 1

Getting back into the social scene is important to your well being. And balancing your life and the children will take some getting used to--Take it slow---relax and take a deep breath before jumping into a lot of the catching up you hope to do.It was nice to meet a man at Starbucks--really a breath of fresh air after all the stuff you just went through. But before accepting any invitations, insist on more public coffee visits and find out more about each other---and be honest about your children and the custody arrangements.At your ages, you can't play kid games--he will appreciate your honesty. I really would expect him to understand your caution---don't go this weekend--you don't know anything about him.Relax and take it slow----slow as in being sure he is respectful, trustworthy and has some integrity. Honestly, you can't rush into this--and if he is a nice guy, he will wait.Keep your conversations light--do not give out too much info or an address---not just yet.Looks and energy are enviable but it's what's inside YOU that counts--and you should ,at your age ,be showing him your interests and talents, and education --sounds like you have a lot to be proud of. I am sure this will work out--hopefully it does for the both of you--but give it the time it needs. Enjoy the conversation with a new acquaintance.Maybe a nice meal at a bright cheery restaurant will be next---nothing fancy or committal. Copy his licence plate--secretly. Just as a precaution.Now your children are an integral part of your life--millions of divorced people have custody arrangements that allow for a nice relationship---but things can and do pop up--will he understand all that?? Your kids welfare and how they grow up from now on will hinge on you and your ex. Do not ever let anything or anyone come between you on this issue. Good luck and I really hope your life goes the way you want--just be careful and take your time.

Answer 2

Hi,

This is tough. You are probably being told to tell the truth. Especially if you really like him. I would be a little nervous to tell him that I had four kids, but you can't really hide that fact forever, can you? You need to tell him the next time you see him. He might surprise you too. Lay things right on the table in the very beginning so he won't be able to say you weren't upfront with him. You're taking a chance, but if he really is into you he will call you again. He may want to take it very very slowly and you will need to be patient, especially if he doesn't have baggage. Good luck. Kudos to you for staying home w/your kids. And all the best to you w/your singlehood. I just got divorced last week and am looking forward to a new life. Take care.

Answer 3

Well, tell him right now is not the best time for that being that you just met. But you do need to tell him that you have children at some point. Nothing looks worst then a man or woman who hide their children from perspective dates. Don't get me wrong, I would not advertise it on a tee shirt, but I would let him know that you have 4 beautiful kids that you are proud of. Make sure he understands you are NOT looking for a "daddy" for them but for yourself!!!!LOL. Anyway are you really looking for something serious right now? Please, you are about to end a relationship why start a new one. Right now the focus is on getting yourself organize with the kids and your ex. Making sure you are all on the same page. This guy should be there to "relieve" some of the stress for you...If you know what I mean. If he turns out to be a great guy then fine. BUT don't bring him around your children at all. Your kids need all of your attention right now, not some man who wants to take their mom on some ski trip. You can introduce him to a good girlfriend just in case he turns out to be some psycho and the police need someone to identify him in a lineup.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

Well go have fun....and see where it goes from there. If the topic of kids comes up.....then tell him...the sooner he knows about your kids the better. Don't try a keep it a secret....if he is that great of a guy....and really enjoys being with you....and NOT just for some action....then it will not be a big deal. Remember.....you and your kids are a package deal....if he cant handle that its better to know sooner than later.
Best of luck...and go have fun this weekend *S*

Answer 6

If it scares him, he will never be yours. Just think about this. If these facts of your life scare him ... you will just never be. So you might as well tell him now. You haven't hidden anything from him yet. You can't tell him everything in one conversation. But children should and divorce, etc, should certainly come up in the first few. It will be ok. I don't think he'll flatly say, "see-ya". But you'll get a gradual feel for how it phases him, or it may not change anything at all.

Answer 7

Go for it girl... Go on a date with him and get to know him... You deserve it:) Date and have fun... I wish you the best. You should however be honest with him and tell him about your past and your children or you will live to regret it because you started off with lies and deception... If he is a good guy to date then he will accept you and the kids as such and care and want to date you even then... If he does not accept you for who you are then he is not worth even seeing! A real man will love you for you and your kids and not even think twice about accepting the kids and your past. Honesty is the best policy:)

Answer 8

seems like you have no problem knowing what to say (spontaneous 2 hour conversation)

but it would be nice if during the weekend if it a date kind of thing you would pitch in for your part as far as paying and tell him that you have children

sorry to tell you but i think that he may be scared by 4 kids, thats a little intimidating, but do tell him about it, tell him about your situation

Answer 9

Tell Him about your kids now, or he could consider that to be a lie if you wait. If he is really that great of a guy he will be willing to give it a shot. Don't get involved with a man who doesn't want or isn't fully ready for kids in his life.

Answer 10

What I say is, "SLOW DOWN!" I think you're moving way too fast. You went from 0 to 60, in nothing flat. Do NOT go with him for a weekend......you need lots more time to heal, and get to know yourself. If you go on this weekend thing, most likely you're going to do something you will regret next week.