Am I being selfish when I want my son to have my last name?

Question

I'm expecting my first child in early June, and it's a boy! I'm not yet married to the baby's father, but we do plan on marrying evenutally (we've been together 7 years). I'm the youngest of 2 daughters and the only one who ever wanted children. Since I have no brothers, I want my son to carry on my last name, and no, it's not a common name like Smith or Jones. My fiancee is ok with this idea since he has 2 other brothers and 2 other sisters. Their last name will def. be able to live on. One of his sisters just found out today about the baby's last name and is upset about it. I tried to explain to her that it means a lot to my family and me to give this child my last name, but she's still upset. Am I being selfish with this? I think her parents will respond in the same manner. Just because my son will have my last name doesn't make him any less a part of their family, but I'm sure they won't see it that way. Should I consider hyphenating our last names or something along those lines???

I had decided from a very young age that I wanted to keep my last name once I married...if ever. I've thought about this logically and I don't think they can undermine my opinion and choice (I do have a college degree!) but I guess I didn't want to feel too selfish, which is how my future sister in law started to make me feel...

And about us not marrying: it's a personal choice. We know we def. love each other and feel no rush to marry. Our son will not be lacking any type of family life because we're not not married, and the fact that we don't have a piece of paper to prove our love at the moment doesn't mean that we love each other any less than married couples. I would rather save my expenses for my future baby, a nice house, and a Ph D in the upcoming years instead of a one day ceremony to reiterate what we already know: that we love each other.

And we are both born to immigrant parents from Asia, so the lineage tracing is no big deal. We couldn't trace our lineage if we tried, since no one has their real first OR last names!

Answer 1

It's completely between you and the father....not the rest of the family. If the father is ok with it, you're ok with it, then everyone else should respect both of you and your decision. I would venture to say they are being selfish by wanting a different last name. Bottom line........it's your child, your decision.

Answer 2

I don't see why you should'nt feel free to give your child your last name, especially since you talked it over with the biological father, and he is not opposed to the idea. Although the whole idea of lineage and maintaining the family line is for all practical purposes pretty-much just a point of social elietism / pretension anymore.

The legitimacy of lineage was valid in the middle ages through about three quarters of the18th century, when most of the "Civilized World" finally turned away from slavery, serfs, and actual class systems with functional Royalty still ruling provincial governments in much of Europe, Asia, and here in America..

For example in England in the 13th Century, preserving the line , and being able to trace lineage was crucial in terms of heirs and sucession to the throne, the fate and ownership of Great estates rested with with the first born, who could be usurped by the plotting of jealous siblings, to say nothing of elder bastard male children sired by the Manor Lord, if publicly recognized as a son by the Duke or Earl.

But now-a-days if the Last of the Koogelmeir Clan passes on, and that is the end of the line - what is the consequence? Also remember this: there was a tremendous influx of immigrants into the united states from 1942 - 1948, literally millions of european war refugees entered this country to start over, most of whom could not speak any english. Most had no 'Papers" , and so most were given new names, some based on the name of the town they came from in the "Old" country, some base on their Trade - "So you're a blacksmith huh? Ok then," Welcome to America - Mr. Smith"., "So you're from Austria, -Welcome to America Mr. Heidelberg", - and so it went. It's very likely that your family name was made up on the spot on Ellis Island by an exhausted Clerk, who had processed 800 people that day.

And for my money Hyphenated last names smack of self-im portant parents who use the last name like a brand to show ownership of their latest aquisition. KIds in school ask the chikd why the hyphenated last name, and the child either cannot explain why - and feels alienated, or has to explain why mom & dad felt the need to keep their own last names - boy does that sound like a comitment, I often wondered how that works - do they each keep their old apartments or condos, and furniture too - "just in case" ? What are the vows? He: "I vow to hang with you until we disagree, and you don't do what I say, then I'm outta there?" and her vows: " Forget Oral s&x anymore, and "boy's night out", I don't do housework - so that's yours to do, or get a maid, and you do NOT drive my new Beamer, and put the lid down on the toilet"

Well gotta go, Oh yeah - tell your future Sister in law to mind her Own Damn Business - she's got nothing to say in the matter.

Answer 3

Ultimately, it is up to you. And honestly not even your baby's father at this point. Your not married. Though it is wonderful that he is supporting you and your decision. I too am very proud of my last name. There are plenty of us to carry on the name, but my daughters middle name is my maiden name, as will any other children we have. You are not being selfish. But do what is best for the baby too. Once your are married, what will your last name be?
It can be confusing if the parents have a different last name. A childs' name is very easy to get change. If you give the baby your last name, get married and want to change it, Social Security takes care of it easily. Yes, consider hyphenating it, consider it as a middle name. DO NOT let anyone other then you and the baby's father decide what is best for your baby. You'll definetly regret that.

Good luck in your decision.

Answer 4

I was actually married, but going through a divorce when I gave birth to my daughter. I gave her my maiden name as I was not keeping my married name. You are the child's mother, you fill out the birth certificate, and you have the power to name it whatever you want. If your boyfriend is totally ok with it, then give him your last name. It has to be something that you agree upon. Your boyfriend could try to force the issue later if for some reason you did not get married and he could take you to court over it. Also, decide what name you want to have when you are married. It is probably best for the child to have the same last name as you to avoid any confusion. His sister may be upset, but she will get over it. And if she doesn't, then that's her problem. :) She is the one being selfish - it's not even her child!

Answer 5

It sounds like you already know the answer to your question in your heart. It's a shame that family members have to throw a monkey wrench in your emotions to make you doubt yourself. Hyphenating a last name will last for a while, but one or the other name will eventually get dropped. Let your name live on.

I'm so glad I gave my son my last name. His father and I were going to get married too...... but that never happend. I have since married a wonderful man and had a daughter with him as well. We included my last name as a middle name for both myself and my daughter and when and if my son wants to add my husband's last name, that will be his decision.

Good luck you you, your fiance, and your baby.

Answer 6

I wish there were more woman out there like us. I changed my name legally when I turned 18 to that of my stepdad because of the influence he had on my life. I have been married for 15 years and I kept my stepdads last name. I have 5 kids and they all lovingly carry my last name. My husband is going to change his last name to mine, he wanted to do this when we were first married but his adopted dad was dying of cancer and so he waited out of respect. But if down the line you do get married here are just a few of the things you may have to deal with bacause of the last name thing. When I went to pick up a rental car that was in both of our names I had to show a birth certificate and a marriage lisc. as well as the change of name papers. We also had several problems with insurance companies that wouldn't cover a dime in bills because they said the biological father needed to do that and so we have to supply birth certificates for the kids quite often. But my son is the only boy who can ever carry on my stepdads name unless my girls there are 4 of them decide to keep there name. We had alot of problems with his adopted mom and grandma about the whole name thing. My husband and I made the descion and I am glad we did. But my kids like there last name appossed to the hubbies. You are by no means being selfish and nowhere is the laws of history does it tell you what you can name your baby. The hypen will depend on the last names to be hyphenated. But I say go for it and be proud that you are carrying on your families legacy and name for futures to come. Hope this helps.
Beth

Answer 7

No! Not at all! Honey, that is your son too and you have the right to name your child as you wish! My momm gave me her last name and I am really proud of it. Neither of my last names are common names like Smith or Jones either.
Besides, who said that the father is the only one who gets to give their child their last name?
You should be able to name your child as you wish and not be worried about what other people think about your ideas. Your fiance is ok with this so his sister doesn't have to be putting her ideas in, this is YOUR baby, not hers.
I hope that your baby will have your last name!
I hope that I helped you and I wish you good luck with your baby boy!

Answer 8

It is a decision between you and the baby's father. If the two of you are happy with the choice, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks/feels. What if you didn't like a name she chose for her child, would she have to reconsider? No, and I don't think it would even cross her mind. Give your son the name YOU choose, not what others choose. Congratulations and enjoy your baby....you'll always hear they grow up fast, but you don't realize how true that is until you have your own.

:)

Answer 9

I think that a baby should have the same name as his Mother. If you want, use the father's last name as a middle name. Who cares what his sister thinks? Is she going to let you name her children? Good luck and stick to your guns!

Answer 10

I know how you feel but really it doesn't matter what they think. You are going to carry this child for 9 months, its up to you what you name him...even the last name. I don't see it as selfish at all that you want your name to live on past your son at all.