No "love", no sex. Three young children. Is it better to stay together or split?

Question

My husband and I have been married for over eleven years. We've had good times and bad times. Never great times. But, as a former "wild" child, I liked the fact that he was stable and very intelligent. Not a drinking buddy, but a good guy to have as the father of my children.
We now have three children.
At year seven, I stopped telling him I love him. In mid-September I cut off the sex. I believe he is too scared to ask me why I have held back for fear that I will blow up in anger. To be honest, he doesn't turn me on sexualy. Now I'm even sickened by his bedtime snuggles and goodbye hugs. (he's over 240 lbs)
Is our marriage doomed or is this sometimes the way marriages go on existing?
SIDE NOTE: as a Catholic, and the child of a long line of stable marriages, divorce is a very taboo subject. If I go this route, there is more for me to handle than the usual person of the 21st century. Is it worth the social agony? Is it worth putting my children through pain?

Answer 1

way to screw your husband over, you shallow idiot, now his life is ruined because he's stuck in loveless marriage, your husband's probably a dope too but not a shallow wh*** like you

Answer 2

Although some sad marriages do coexist with this type of unhealthy relationship, it is not in the best interest of either one of you or your children. If you are truly unhappy in this relationship and you have talked to your husband about your feelings and the reason why you aren't feeling the love anymore, I think it is time to get out of the marriage completely. Even though divorce is not an easy thing and can be hard on everyone concerned including the children, it is not in anyones best interest to stay in a loveless marriage. Although, your children are young now, when they grow up, they will realise that something is not right with Mommy and Daddy's marriage. Do you really want your children to live in this type of an enviroment? Sometimes, it is usually better to go against what society expects and follow your heart. I think it's time for you to do a lot of soul searching and decide what you want to do. It's only a decision that you can make although it will be a hard decision since so much is at stake. Good luck to you. I hope you can figure out what is best for you and your children.

Answer 3

I, too, was in a similar marriage. I already had a couple failed marriages and wasn't responsible enough to have the children from those marriages. I was ready to settle down with someone stable. I did, we had two kids, and I became a stable, responsible, secure parent.
But what I failed to realize was that I couldn't live the rest of my life without any affection or romance. My ex had no understanding of those words. He was also a "functional alcoholic." He couldn't go anywhere and have a good time without catching a buzz. He embarrassed and humiliated me too many times to count.
I was missing out on what I might find elsewhere--the love and affection I desperately craved. And whenever I brought it up to him--he told me I just wanted a wussy and he wasn't like that. I finally had it--after 11yrs, and left.
And I found the most wonderful, passionate, affectionate, loving man that I certainly DO want to spend the rest of my years with.
It's been hard on the kids, no doubt, but they are adapting and dealing with it.
I'm happy now, truly, finally happy. But I had to leave the security of a financially stable marriage and risk my childrens emotional stability to do so.
If you aren't happy, you need to go.

Answer 4

Either way, you are in for a long, tough time. You can leave him, and try to raise the three kids alone. (Won't be fun and the kids will miss their dad and blame you.) You can stay in a loveless, (maybe only on your side) marriage and go on with the resentment you seem to have for him. What was it that made you fall "out of love" for him? I would try to change my attitude toward him for a while and not only focus on the negatives. It may not be a perfect marriage, but while the kids are little, if he is a good father, it may be worth it to stay at least until they are on their own. Marriages do go on existing like that for some couples. They learn to work around it--at least for the sake of the little kids. And, of course, there is your religion to consider. You have to decide how much you want to ostracize your family and your religious background.

Answer 5

Go to dance classes. You'll enjoy the music get exercise and he'll
lose weight having fun doing it. Especially Latin dancing. Sexy!
Practice at home with the kids around they'll join in and have a
good time too. If after having three kids you are having trouble
with attraction it could be hormonal. Try vit-e 400 iu a day. It helps
with estrogen and depression. Even men benefit. Sometimes it's
not always about love. If you think he's a great guy then he is. So
work at saving the relationship.

Answer 6

I know you're frightened about what the future will be like but without a doubt, you should end the marriage. You can not sacrifice yourself to what others (even beloved family members) think or feel is morally or spiritually right. My guess is you're no longer attracted to your husband because you just don't love him anymore. Really doesn't have anything to do with the aesthetics. I can tell you through my own experience, your children will be much happier if you divorce then if you stick it out in (and put them through) a loveless marriage. They'll be upset and confused at first but very quickly they will see that it was the best decision, even the young ones. Kids deserve two happy parents rather than a miserable family. And trust me, they ALWAYS know! You must live your life in a way that is going to make you happy because only then will your children know how to live their lives in the same way. And even your husband deserves to be able to find someone who is going to love him and find him attractive. It's a win-win situation for everyone in the long run. Best of luck to you !!!

Answer 7

I'm sure the pain of your delema is overwhelming. I don't know why we fall out of love, but we do. Your family is more important then your divorce. So before you destroy so many lives, talk to your husband.. But prepare him for this conversation. Let him know in advance that you need to talk to him about your relationship and the feelings you are having. Give him some time tp prepare for this talk. Set a time asside, don't ask him to talk in the middle of American Idol. Setting the time to talk is the key for good communications. What ever happens, do that first. During your talk, be blantantly honest with him, without being cruel.. I might leave out the part of about being sickened by his hugs. That would really hurt.

Answer 8

It is selfish of you to stay in this marriage. By not showing outward affection to your husband is a bad example to the kids as to what marriage is like. By divorcing, it will give your husband the chance to find someone to love him, even though he's 240lbs, (which by the way shouldn't matter). It will be difficult at first, but eventually everybody wins in the end. How do I know this?
Father of 3, divorced 4 years now.

Answer 9

I think you should tell your husband the reason why you don't want to have sex with him. If he has gained this weight since marriage then you should tell him the only way you could sexually be attracted to him is if he loses some weight. You should also work with him to lose. Don't criticize. If the love is truly gone then you should split up. Your children can still have a normal and healthy relationship with both of you. Good Luck!!

Answer 10

okay...this is hard...the best thing is to find some good points in him
Sex and hugs and kisses aren't always a form of love.
To have married him, you have loved him some way.
To have loved before, means to always love.
If you look at the world, not everyone is pretty, or can turn one one sexually
Sometimes its just the thought of having a caring person that helps.
When i talk to my love, its mostly on the phone, no physical contact, no "strange" talks. Just great conversations make it love
So love doesnt always have to be physical...unless you like it that way
And yes, staying together for the kids shows that you are a commited mother/parents.
Sometimes, the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care.
sometimes its for the benefit of others...
and have your husband and yourself get some time together, where maybe you can enjoy yourselfs...
hope this isn't offensive...hope it helps

Answer 11

They don't call it a "7-year itch" for nothing!
Yes, sometimes people get too overrun by their daily lives, too caught up in other things, and change so much that you forget why you married that person.
However, it seems to me that there may be some other underlying issues. You don't just stop loving someone in one day... there are often things that lead up to it, and it sounds like his weight gain has been one thing that you are struggling with coping with.
Go to your priest, talk to him, and see if he can give you more personalized advice about what to do in order to help your marriage. It sounds to me like you want it to work out, at least part of you, and it sounds like your husband realizes that there's other issues, but is too afraid to bring them up. Sit him down and have a good heart-to-heart -- talking about the issues that you have may be painful, especially at first, but will do you both good in the long run.
Good luck!