We're sort of in a staying together for the kids (not interested in discussing this point) and she probably wants to bolt as soon as the youngest goes off to college. I'm hoping this is just a lousy phase in our 20 plus years marriage.
My first instinct is to just pretend Val Day doesn't exist. How do you think the day should be handled?
2007-01-30 13:23:26 · 53 answers · asked by Hank Hill 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow! Some truly excellent answers from so many of you. Thanks!
2007-01-31 13:53:46 · update #1
I hear ya! I think we're in the same place. Honestly, when I really think about all we've been through, it seems like a waste to give it up. I still think he's hot, he still can make me laugh (when he drops the attitude) but he's preoccupied with things that take him away from me and the kids. It doesn't seem to matter to him. But it does to me. I feel like with what he contributes to our everyday life, child support whould help more. It's sad, but it's true. Decide what you really, really want....if there is a chance, and you have the history we do, there is a chance. Maybe you two can do it....not much hope here. Good Luck!
2007-02-01 15:27:41 · answer #1 · answered by 123..WAIT! 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Get some rose petals and make a trail throughout the house. Randomply throughout the trail place down a card. The card should be a reason why you love her so much or what you admire about her. Remember this isn't about you, it's about her. Then, when the rose petal leads to a dinner scene set up by you (I suggest a table in the bedroom with candles) tell her you love her and how you want to fix what is as of now, "Just a lousy phase in our 20 plus marriage" Then offer to clean up the table.
But that's not a quick fix. Don't "stay in it for the kids". That's not helping either party. Do you love her? Really love her? Think back to those first vows you took. Do you really want to break them now? I suggest counsling. And remember, counsling is not a place to point fingers, it's a place to resolve problems.
2007-01-30 13:30:52 · answer #2 · answered by Namaste 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Having children changes the dynamics of the relationship. There is less time spent on each other because of the needs of the children. You can't fix everything all at once. Try baby steps and try to arrange alone time. Nothing intimate, just a walk in the park where you can talk to each other. It will feel forced to begin with but the key is not to talk but to listen. Make this a weekly routine where the two of you have quality time for each other. I know you probably heard this before but all people really want in a relationship is the knowledge that they are being heard by their spouse. People often talk without spending the time to really listen and get to the meaning of what people are saying. I hope this helps.
2007-01-30 13:33:30 · answer #3 · answered by bills 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't pretend Valentines Day doesn't exist, although i'm against it<--no offense. If you been married 20+ years then its just a riff between you two that shows you love each other. Its been so long that you're so used to each other. Work things out. Apologise. Tell her you love her. The three hardest things to say are: I love you, Sorry, and I need help. And if you guys are staying together for the sake of the kids it shows that you are loyal to having a family, and that you guys are truly destined.
2007-01-30 13:32:30 · answer #4 · answered by Problem 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I guess it depends on what you want out of life. Staying together for the kids is an admirable goal. If you're committed to it then you need to decide what you want the ensuing years to look like. If you're set on living years together in armed camps then letting the day go is in order.
However, if you're looking for something better use the day to try and build it. There are cards out there for friends and having one on hand for your wife might help build a working friendship that could last through graduations, weddings, and holiday dinners for years to come.
Or if you want to be more optimistic, there must be a reason you married in the first place. V-day could be the day you take start working to remind her what that was.
Best of luck whichever way you go.
2007-01-30 13:35:01 · answer #5 · answered by Critter 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NO Way!! i say you completely knock her off your feet. if theres still any romance and connection between you two, why not rekindle the romance during such a romantic time. especially if she expects that you will compeltely disrergard the holiday.... it might shock her even more. you can still show that you love her and watch your relationship work. plus 20 plus years is a long time to jsut give up without a fight, dont you think?
anyways.. i say a huge boquet of flowers and maybe a card and a nice dinner, something sweet and romantic. make her fall in love with you all over again.
if that doesnt sound right and the relationship is ka-put, then i say just give her some flowers, sicne she is the mother of your children... she does deserve soemthing, especially since you did share a long part of your lives together.
good luck with everything!!
2007-01-30 13:29:24 · answer #6 · answered by danielley 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My parents went through that when we were teenagers. I was so sure they were going to divorce. They're happy now though. From talking to my friends who's parents stayed together, it seems like all married couples go through a few years of being unhappy, but with some effort and commitment they manage to make it through, so I think you should make an effort. Oh, it doesn't have to be big or fancy, but do something small just to let her know you're thinking of her. If she really is the type to celebrate Valentine's day, then doing nothing is just going to make it worse. If you're hoping it's a phase, let her know you still love her.
2007-01-30 13:29:05 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you're serious about wanting your relationship to be a meaningful marriage, why not use this holiday to convince her of that and go the extra mile -- show her that you are willing to make an effort and do what you need to in order to be happy with her.
Instead of ignoring it, surprise her! Take her out on a real, honest-to-goodness date and make her feel like you're still teenagers dating. Sometimes these "lousy phases" need something major to get them back on track. Buy her flowers, champagne, dinner at a candlelit restaurant that serves her favorite foods, treat her to a night where you just spoil her. Show her that you really are the wonderful man she married! Good luck!
2007-01-30 13:27:49 · answer #8 · answered by wnk 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It depends on why you dislike one another (if there was infidelity on either side, etc.), but in my opinion I would say just buy a bouquet of flowers and leave them on the table, or somewhere where she'll have access to them that day. Leave a card with it and sign your name. If you still love her, tell her that in the card. The most she can do is act like a jerk and reject them, but at least you tried. At least you could say you did something. If she does treat you badly after receiving the flowers/card, I can guarantee at some point down the road she'll regret being so rude to you. But, overall, in my opinion, I say just buy some flowers and a card and call it good. At least this way you put your foot out there and you were a kind person. If nothing else than to show your children you have good intentions and to make yourself feel good.
2007-01-30 13:28:25 · answer #9 · answered by forever.devoted 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Marriage has become a scary thing now, isn't it...
Anyhow, I don't know what's happening between you too, but if you would like to have some sort of care towards your wife AND if your wife would like to show some care to you, let alone a hint of it, then maybe you should give your wife something decent but not expensive.
Of course, if you truly hate each other (which I wonder how you survived this for 20 years), then yes pretend it doesn't exist...
But highly recommend to just give her some decent... like roses?
2007-01-30 13:29:21 · answer #10 · answered by ShadowX 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋