my husband and I are talking about having kids. I really want to have kids, but my husband comes from a bad family background. He's got a lot of issues. He won't talk about them with me or refuses to get help. He says he's capable of dealing with it on his own. His life is better now. So he doesn't want to think about the bad times. A lot of times when we argue, he gets so angry that I can't handle it and I worry how a child would deal with it. also because of all his problems growing up he isolates himself and tries to isolate me. so I'm worried that the same will happen to our kid. Should i be worried about these things? is it okay for me to feel this way? sometimes I feel horrible that i have these feels. please help!
2007-01-30 13:23:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Although you want to help, he needs to seek help for his family problems. You can't solve those problems for him. He has issues he needs to work out within his own head.
I would also check out a marriage counselor. Why do you argue? What sets you off? Argueing is inevitable, but controlling it and managing anger is something that is easily done.
From what you've described, now is NOT the time to have kids. Wait a year or so and see a counselor. Talk to your husband about whatever it will take to resolve the family issues he has. Figure out your marriage NOW before adding kids to the mix.
If you're worried now, you're going to have trouble surviving the first 3 months of a child's life.
Also, don't be so obsessed with worry that you're going to destroy a child's life because of ____. He isn't his family. You are in his life. Together you can take a proactive approach to your marriage and parenting and overcome both your husband's past and your fear that history will repeat itself.
2007-01-30 13:28:31 · answer #1 · answered by FaZizzle 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a subject you and your husband should have resolved BEFORE you got marred. It is plain to see that in his current frame of mind this man should not become a father. It is HIS choice whether he seeks counseling or not and so far he has chosen not. If you plan on continuing your marriage I suggest you seek counseling to learn to deal with your wanting a child and his not being prepared to be a father, having a child is NOT going to fix the problem.
2007-01-30 21:29:30 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
His childhood issues are going to affect the way he acts as a parent. You're right to act worried that his anger will affect your children. Unless he's a superhero, he can't deal with these issues entirely on his own. He needs to talk about them. If he doesn't truly work through his issues the problem will reoccur in your children and the cycle will continue. If he isn't mature enough to accept he has a problem and to be willing to talk about it openly, he isn't mature enough to be a parent. Tell him that if he doesn't work through his apparent anger and frustration, then you won't have kids with him.
2007-01-30 21:31:41 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are smart to worry. I would not have children with him until he is emotionally and mentally healthy. He needs anger management therapy and must be able to control his moods before you bring a child into the relationship. At this point, it seems iffy as to whether you two will stay together. I would not want my child raised by a father who refuses to work on his issues.
2007-01-30 21:31:24 · answer #4 · answered by schweetums 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is going to sound like the old stand-by but you and your husband should get some counseling.
A child shouldn't be bought into a family that already has problems.
It can make your marriage better, it can help your husband with his problems, and it can make you better parents when you decide to have children.
2007-01-30 21:31:22 · answer #5 · answered by daljack -a girl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please Please think about both of you going to couples counseling before even considering children. I was in a similar situation and I finally broke up because I couldn't imagine bringing a child into that kind of enviornment. That is child abuse. Please if he won't go to a counselor with you and work out his problems, get the hell away from him, find a new love that can love you the way you want and have a family with that person. Life is tooooooo short. My friend of 40 years dropped dead last week He was 45 years old. Don't waste time on trying to change someone into someone they don't want to be. Think of that unborn child to be and your life too. Do you want to be happy?
2007-01-30 21:30:36 · answer #6 · answered by katie d 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Now this situation is sad thingslike this happen alot. Iam being so honest I had a boyfriend that after I got pregnant I found out that he was bi polar and it was to late my baby came out alright.So since you have time to think about go ahead and try to nip it an the bud.Just try to keep your head up
2007-01-30 21:32:34 · answer #7 · answered by weeping eyes 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sit him down and be gentle and ask him about the things he doesnt want to remember. tell him you love him, and you want to help him instead of just demanding him to tell you. i dont know if you've tried this already... but if you havent, that's something you should do.
as for the kids, dont have any until your husband is going to be alright. you shouldn't take the risk of putting your child in a frizzy situation... right?
good luck =)
2007-01-30 21:30:35 · answer #8 · answered by Ning 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't do it. I was married to a man who was a narcisist. I never though he would be verbally or emotionally abusive to a small child but our son lived a hell of a life with this abuse.
2007-01-30 21:32:43 · answer #9 · answered by phyllis 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to talk to some one and get help for his problems now and in the past.
2007-01-30 21:28:08 · answer #10 · answered by zen522 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋