My parents are gonna separate but who's fault is it??

Question

My parents have had a "uneasy" relationship for about the last two years.... but the real trouble was that my mom got a call from a ex boyfreind that she has not seen in 25 years and their both married and then she started to e mail back and forth with him ... he lives two states away and he loves his wife and kids but my dad is flipping out about it and I know that they are gonna separate... My dad has been a jerk for a wile and my mom is pretty stubborn ... I havent really tried to improve the situation so who's fault is it???? What do I do???

Answer 1

You are not at fault here for the breakup of your parents marriage... You cannot save it so let them go and make their own decisions for their marriage... This is not your responsibility so go on with your life . Have they tried marriage counseling at all?

Answer 2

It really dosent matter who's fault it is. mom and dad have to work this out for themselves.
If you are old enough to understand this and write this question you are reasonably close to adulthood or at it.
POINT... after you leave home for either your own place or college it is your parents that have to live with one another and no one else. Trust has to be there in any relationship and I do not really see any from what you said.
There peobably hasn't been much for a long time. Because people who trust one another do not get this upset because one partner e-mails or writes someone else.
especially after 25 years apart.
Your dad may have desires no one else knows about and therefor dosen't trust your mom because he believes she might do something he has done or would like to himself.
on the other hand you don't know everything about your parents marriage. Has your mom given dad a reason not to trust her ?
stay out of it.

Answer 3

First of all, it is not your fault. I would lay the blame on both your parents. Your mother is flirting with this other guy even though she knows he's happily married, maybe because she feels there's something missing from her current relationship. Your dad isn't helping by flipping out and getting all jealous. Both your parents need to sit down and talk reasonably about things, and try to find out where the problems are so they can fix their relationship. Going to a marriage counselor might help. It seems to me that this incident isn't really worth separating over.

Answer 4

It's most definitely not your fault. It seems that they share the responsibility in their failing marriage. But if I had to pick one ... I'd say it is your father's insecurities and controlling factors that has lead to this state in their marriage. Your mother is probably needing a friend and old boyfriends from 25 years ago are usually just that... a friend. Remember the one who usually accuses the other of having an affair is usually the one who is actually having an affair. The person who is having an affair also becomes angry often and picks stupid little fights. Many times it makes the innocent one feel miserable. Many times... it makes them search elsewhere for emotional comfort. And then sadly in the end the innocent party gets blamed for the failure in the marriage.

Answer 5

After being the child of a divorce, I can tell you that its a difficult situation for the children to be in as well as the parents. I can say that from my experience that I flipped and flopped between who I thought was to blame, but after serveral years realised that they were just not made to be together that although both had their faults neither was a fault for just being themselves.

The situation is not really a situation that you can imporve if they want it improved they will and have to do it for themselves. I think that to get involved will only make it harder for them and harder for yourself, becasue by getting involved you may be seen to takes sides which will rip your parents hearts out if they feel that you have selected a side to be on.

This is something that you will have to let them sort out, nobody can help them except themselves. If they come to you to talk, and you feel that you can without getting too invovled then do that. But dont pick sides, you cannot know all the things involved and you will save yourself heart ache. If hope this helps, you never know they may be going through a rough patch, I have known pleanty of people who thought thier parents were going to split, and they ended up sorting it out. Good luck

Answer 6

It's THEIR fault for the breakdown of communication.
If you dad is being asinine towards your mother, then she's just probably seeking a kind soul to tell her nice things.
But if you are contributing to their fighting by putting more fuel on the fire, then you need to step back and have more positive interactions with them.

Look, there isn't any warranties with marriage. Either they make it or they don't. People change and can grow apart. It's just a fact of life and we learn to deal with the good, the bad, and the ugly as it comes.

Try to get them into family counseling. Maybe that's a better arena for you to be able to express your concern, and a little one on one time with the counselor.

Answer 7

YOU try to keep out of it. I know you want to help...but these are two adults who went into this together, and if they're going to break apart...they have to do that between the two of them too.

Don't try to work out where blame lies. Sometimes people just grow apart and there IS no one to blame. No one person caused this. Your father feels insecure, and your mother needs something in a friend that your dad isn't giving her. The friend happens to be male, which doesn't help your father's insecurity. This situation is something that needs to be worked out, and talked out, and dealt with by your parents though. Hopefully they'll get to a point where they can sit down, and have a very honest conversation with each other.

No matter what happens, YOU are not at fault, and there's nothing in your power that you can do to fix this. Just love them both and keep that parent/child relationship with both. The spousal relationship is up to them.

Answer 8

It doesn't matter whos at fault, what matters is that you stay to your self and don't let them get you in the middle. Go to your room or to a friends just don't stay and listen to them argue. I was in that situation when I was 15 and man I think it was harder on me than them. I seen and heard way too much and they each at different times would tell me stuff. In the end I still loved them both the same and wished that I didn't know everything that I did. It is their personal buisness and you remember that and remind them of that too. You will be ok .

Answer 9

sounds like the marrage was in trouble before the ex came back
into the picture. The ex coming into the picture was a mere
coinsidence and it probably gave your mother hope. Its definately
NOT your fault if thats what you are thinking. Adults do weird
things and if they have been married for a while, which I assume
they have, well they probably have grown to used to each other and take each other for granted. If you father is acting like a jerk
he probably doesn't want to seperate and he knows that its coming and he doesn't know what to do about it. He
needs to romance your mother, show her he cares, it
doesn't have to "cost" anything, he could do the dishes,
offer to help her out, take her for a walk... but this only
works if she wants it too.

I hope that this helps you, its just a bit of rambling

Answer 10

it is between your parents, it is not your responsibility to to improve the situation so don't feel guilty. There is probably a lot more to the situation between them then what you are seeing. Do not take sides. It would not be wrong for you to speak up to both of them at the same time saying that you love them and the situation between them is making you uncomfortable. That may be enough for them to get some counciling or try to curb the anger in front of you.

Answer 11

You can't do too much, hon.... adults are just screwy at times, and use really bad judgment. Whose fault? no ones....

And here is something that you ought to know.... things do wear out --- tires, teeth, plumbing, and yup, marriages. We were never meant to live as long as we do, (Until just the last 200 years, people were truly old at 40... the average age in India even today, is just as it was 2000 years ago -- 33)

Unless your parents are both willing to get into counseling and find where they can patch up their marriage, not much you, as their kid, can do.... sorry sweetie, but how nice that you are thinking of them...