I feel like marriage counseling my last choice, how can i make him see?

Question

I have been marrried to my husband for little over a year, but have known him and been with him for a long time.
We have had a very rocky relationship to say the least, where we cant seem to communicate over the simplist of issues. This last argument has been very bad, where i have ended up staying at my mothers house. I am at a point where I dont think thigns will ever change unless we get help. I have tried to talk about counselling in the past, but my husband want everything to be kept behind closed doors, his opinion was that how are they (counsellors) going to stop me from doing this, or being this. I am perfectly aware that marriage counsellors are no miracle cure but I feel we have no skills in handling any arguments for ourselves. So I have said either we get help or I cant continue. The heart breaking thing is that he has put conditions I must satisfy before he will go. These conditions are to advantage only him, when I have asked only for counselling to help us. Please help

Answer 1

Conditions advantageous to only him?? What the hell could that be? Does he wish to live in a happy marriage or is this dude a control freak? Sounds like you married a baby, hon... "Closed doors?" as if some counselor is going to go out and blab what he/she hears, and as if who the hell would care??????????????

Geeez.... sweetie, this boy has no idea what marriage is----let me fill you in and you figure out what you have:

Marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion, and Trust....(How is your marriage doing???) It is also times together, positive comments, loving touches, and learning to solve problems without rage.... learning to put out there what you need and want without trouncing on someone's ego.... (OOOOPPPS, huh?) It is also having time alone to do your own hobbies, as well as family, travel, special notes in a lunch, or a sweet note if he has to travel that he will find in his carry-on. It is putting your partner first, before your own thoughts... (I'll bet all of this doesn' even come close to how the two of you live, does it???)

It is saying things that you need is ways such as...."I need..... I wish.... " It would be nice if we....." Rather than "I hate it when you always.... What the hell did you do that for???? Are you trying to be stupid when you....."
And sometimes the best any of us can do is just shut the hell up.
Get the idea?

A recent study of 30,000 couples married for 30 years found that what makes a marriage stick together are comments. For every negative comment one made, 6 positive ones had to cover it... the closer those number were, the more quickly resentment built and the sooner the marriage ended....

From what you said here, yours is on the ragged edge of just immediate disintegration.

If you don't get counseling, as you have stated here, you won't be married to this guy by the end of the year.... Get some help, hon, or plan to leave....or go yourself for a few times, and see if you have anything even worth saving.... and find out why your self esteem is so low that you would even want to stay getting this kind of treatment....

And sweetie there are just toooo many nice guys out there who want a loving relationship to waste time in a bad one.....

good luck, hon

Answer 2

Hi there, Oh, you poor love! I too have been where you are now. The only difference is I have been married for nearly TWENTY years. About twelve months ago we too had a big argument and again my husband acted and displayed the same behaviour that yours is. Unfortunately there are no miracle cures or answers as every person is ultimately different as are peoples situations, but my advice to you, for what its worth, is to think about your life, do you love your husband? Does he love you? Do you think that with some extra love and attention (from both sides) that you could get through this heartbreaking time? Love is one of those things we tend to take for granted. We think well he loves me he should accept me. He thinks she loves me she should accept me. The thing we all need to accept, thats men and women, is that we all think that the other person is at fault. So at some point someone has to say okay what's your point of view? Anyway, my point is keep at it, the first year as they say is the hardest. I heard that early on and decided NOT to say anything about my hubby or his BAD habits. BAD IDEA!!!!! This lead to 18 years of frustration, on my part, for not saying anything sooner, hence the BIG argument last year. I just couldn't stay quiet anymore. We are now taking every day as it comes. DON'T LET IT GO THAT LONG!!!!!!!! You need to COMMUNICATE in a loving and compassionate way. GOOD LUCK AND I HOPE THIS HELPS. M

Answer 3

Counselling is definitely the way to go. I guess it depends on what sort of conditions he's put on going as to whether you should consider satisfying them. Is it worth doing those things to get him to go? Are they only small and annoying things or are they really big things that will affect you badly. If they are big and bad, you should let him know that you want to fix things but you can't give him any more than you already have and if he wants to be with you counselling is the only way. *hugs* I hope it works out.

Answer 4

Marriage Counseling is the best thing that you could invest in!! It is a little uncomfortable at first, but the results could last a lifetime!! :) My first couple of years of Marriage were rough, to say the least, but hang in there, with Counseling, it gets better!! Good luck to you and your Hubby!! :)

Answer 5

Honey, you can't MAKE HIM SEE. He will have to come to that on his own conclusion. I am in the same situation as you are and I warn you that he will likely not change about this. Pray for him and be fervent. Only God can change the hearts of people including your husband. Also, seek to see where you need to change. Go to counseling on your own for yourself and continually pray and love your husband. I didn't do this and my marriage is now in shambles. You may be stronger than he is spiritually. If so, unfortunately you carry the burden if he is not willing to leave the marriage. Seek Godly council, prof. council and get on your knees and pray God changes both of your hearts.

Answer 6

Talk to him about how you feel and ask him if he would be open to going with you.. If he is not then you go for help and get counseling for you and who knows if you go and he sees a change in you this may encourage him to go with you later. Would he be open to like a mediator instead of a counsellor or therapist???? I wish you the best and hope that things get better for you and your marriage soon.

http://www.marriagetoday.org


http://www.marriageadvice.com


http://www.drphil.com

Answer 7

Put it in those terms when you suggest it: "I don't want you to be someone you're not, and I don't want to be someone I'm not -- but we're terrible at communicating, and I know if we can learn to communicate we'll find that we're trying to say the same things."

Then go, go, go. You have the right idea, and you're vested in fixing it -- but you also know it's a communication problem, not a people problem. Good luck!

Answer 8

The answer is right in front of your nose: he's not interested in putting the necessary work into saving the relationship. Don't waste anymore of your precious time flogging a dead horse. It will amount to naught.

Answer 9

Please go to counseling by yourself, if he is not going. They will teach you effective communication.and by the way love has no conditions place on the other person. Your husband sounds selfish and immature