What do you think of my poem.........?

Question

Ok here is one of my first gothish poems. Tell me what you think.


Title : Sickened soul

my tortured soul lay as unforgiving eyes peer down

as blackened memories fade away, remembering my once happy
life

tears of tented blood roll down my emotionless face

as my body is torn from the inside out, by the shadows of the unknown

you have now takin all that was once treasured

i hope your happy

Answer 1

criticisms:

"Title : Sickened soul"
to be honest, not very tasteful.

"my tortured soul lay as unforgiving eyes peer down"
inconsistent verb conjugation [lay, peer].

"as blackened memories fade away, remembering my once happy life"
if you are trying to convey hopelessness, why bother including reference to better times?

"tears of tented blood roll down my emotionless face"
tented? used as an adjective, this certainly makes no sense. i think you were reaching for a $5 word here and settled on it. however, even if used as an adverb [i'm sure this is the meaning you intended to but failed to implement], it is poor word choice.

"as my body is torn from the inside out, by the shadows of the unknown"
remove the comma. it's grammatically incorrect and disrupts flow.

"you have now takin all that was once treasured"
replace "takin" with "taken."

"i hope your happy"
replace "your" with "you're."
aside from being a weak conclusion, it conveys the sense that the speaker is, aside from being pathetic and downtrodden, a ****.

acclaim:
it's nice to see young people experiment with poetry.
however, i'm sure you can see that knowing english is pretty integral. work on it.
also, crappy gothic poetry is lame. please don't write any more of it.
if you are into this kind of stuff, however, you should realize that it's already been done far above and beyond your conceivable potential.

consider the classic work "Spleen" by Baudelaire. (from his recueil, "Les fleurs du mal.")

Quand le ciel bas et lourd pèse comme un couvercle
Sur l'esprit gémissant en proie aux longs ennuis,
Et que de l'horizon embrassant tout le cercle
Il nous verse un jour noir plus triste que les nuits ;

Quand la terre est changée en un cachot humide,
Où l'Espérance, comme une chauve-souris,
S'en va battant les murs de son aile timide
Et se cognant la tête à des plafonds pourris ;

Quand la pluie étalant ses immenses traînées
D'une vaste prison imite les barreaux,
Et qu'un peuple muet d'infâmes araignées
Vient tendre ses filets au fond de nos cerveaux,

Des cloches tout à coup sautent avec furie
Et lancent vers le ciel un affreux hurlement,
Ainsi que des esprits errants et sans patrie
Qui se mettent à geindre opiniâtrement.

- Et de longs corbillards, sans tambours ni musique,
Défilent lentement dans mon âme ; l'Espoir,
Vaincu, pleure, et l'Angoisse atroce, despotique,
Sur mon crâne incliné plante son drapeau noir.

find a translated version if you are not a french speaker.
you'd probably enjoy it if you had half a brain.

Answer 2

Warning: merciless crit follows.



"my tortured soul lay as unforgiving eyes peer down "

"Tortured soul?" Can you get any more cliched?
Jeez. "Lay" is past tense, while "peer" is in the present tense.
"Unforgiving" is too abstract.
Show, don't tell. Be original.

"as blackened memories fade away, remembering my once happy
life"

"blackened memories" borders on cliche AND is too abstract. Use a real analogy for the memories instead; what are they like? Why are they blackened? What else is like that?
"my once happy life"
is an empty phrase that forms no picture in the reader's mind, and therefore has no place in poetry.
"tears of tented blood roll down my emotionless face"

What? How can blood be "tented"? I get a feeling you're actually thinking an original thought here, but unfortunately it isn't coming through.
"Emotionless" is again, abstract. Use concrete images instead.

"as my body is torn from the inside out, by the shadows of the unknown"

Oh my God, did you just thumb through a dictionary of cliches and paste a few together? This is not poetry.

"you have now takin all that was once treasured

i hope your happy "

*GROAN*

Answer 3

I don't mean to sound critical, but this type of poetry is very cliched. Your grammar is also off and it takes away from the imagery. Most of the images you've used here have been done before.
I think this poem would be much better if you used more subtle language (for example: "I hope you're happy" gives the message away).
If you're young, this is a good start and of course it's great to express your creativity. I suggest you read some other poetry by both famous authors and people your age.
A good website to sign up for is poetry.org. It's free and gives you the opportunity to not only get feedback on your poems, but also read other people's. Good luck and keep writing.

Answer 4

Its good, but it could be a couple verses longer. Maybe a little deeper when it comes to emotion and the last verse takes away all the feeling that is being built up, so I would change that. The title could also be changed, maybe just one word like resentment which was offered in another person's answer. Overall good job, its better than average, but I know if you dig deep, you can really hit home with it! Good Luck on your poetic endeavors! ~Peace~

Answer 5

Your grammar and spelling need to be checked and I'm afraid that your writing is trite. The best thing to do with poetry is to take concrete objects and use them to convey meaning. Like in Romeo and Juliet, "a rose by any other name is just as sweet". Using abstract language will bring down your poem and make it, as I have said, trite (boring).

Answer 6

you should take a poetry workshop if you enjoy writing poetry. The theme of this poem is pain/hurt, the ending needs . . .something. You would also get better critisism in a workshop. Check your spellings too.

Keep going to the well . . .

Answer 7

Instead of "I hope you're happy," why not try, "How does my body taste to the ravening crows that feed upon my fleshly tomb?

Yeah.

I went through my whole "romanticizing depression" phase. I'm not saying don't visit, just don't stay there. It gets really lame in large doses.

Answer 8

I love the last line, it adds a nice twist to the ending.........I'm gonna go sit in the corner and DIE now

I don't like the word happy in "My once happy life" I'd go with something with a colour or image attached to it to match the other imagery.......somehow.....maybe...what do i know

Answer 9

A little TOO goth... Good if you are the saddest person on earth. Was there a specific topic?

Nice poetry, metaphors, etc.

Answer 10

The ending is not so great. I would either change or delete the " I hope your happy part" part. Also is it supposedt\ to be that dramatic and that much violence?