ok, me and my bf are suppossed to be getting married in a couple of months. i hired a PI to check him out just to make sure he was legit and not cheating. He found out about it and wants to call of the wedding. He is furious that I had someone follow him. I feel guilty but was justtrying to protect myself. What do I say to him??? He can't seem to get over it. he says it makes him sick and he refuses to see me.
2007-01-30 11:57:49 · 28 answers · asked by Lisa P 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My reason was that the address on the marriage certificate was his house where we were going to live after the wedding. I drove by and it was empty and for sale. He didnt tell me and was acting as if he was still living there. I wanted to know where he was really living. Ended up that he had to sell the house for financial reasons and was staying w friends until he could close on another house.
2007-01-30 12:30:57 · update #1
Relationships are based on trust...and you broke this trust. I can understand why he is furious. Wouldnt you be? I know you did this because you just wanted to make sure..but it was wrong and you know this now. I would give him some time...back off. In a few weeks write him a letter because you will get his full attention when he is reading it, vs; trying to see him in person which he refuses to do and will anger him more....Start off your letter saying that you were wrong...and have nobody to blame but yourself for what you did. Ask him to forgive you...tell him how much he means to you...tell him what a stupid thing that was and you regret doing it...then, see if he will open up to you again. Also, in the letter...tell him that you two can put off the wedding until you can prove you can be trusted again...its worth a shot.
2007-01-30 12:22:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In order to be in a committed relationship, at some point people need to bite the bullet and trust each other.
You couldn't do that; you insisted on hiring a professional to ensure he was trustworthy. So now what?
Well, first: you are certainly within your rights to do what you did, because you didn't trust him. So, good for you doing what you thought was right.
But you know what? The PI didn't find anything, and now we know two things: (a) he is trustworthy, and (b) you don't trust him. That's not a recipe for a good marriage, and he is *absolutely correct* in seeing that as a potential dealbreaker. You hired a PI to "protect yourself" from a potentially cheating fiance? Well, he's breaking off the marriage to protect himself from being married to a woman who doesn't trust him.
I think you need to write him a note of apology, then leave him be. Even if you convince him that you trust him, it means nothing unless you actually DO trust him -- and "now that I know what the PI found, I do trust him" is too little, too late. That he can't get over it is just an indication of how much he trusted you, and how committed he was to the relationship; you blew it, and you'll have to suffer the consequences.
So, again: write him the note of apology, a sincere one, then back off. He'll come to you or he won't, but it'll be his decision to make, and nothing you can do will help your case.
2007-01-30 12:07:58 · answer #2 · answered by daveowenville 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Without trust there isn't any possibility of true love, so I sympathize with his decision. It's sad that you felt the need to hire an investigator to follow him around. Insecurity in a woman is one of the most unattractive attributes that a woman can possess. Try to learn from this mistake that you have made, and if he decides to stay with you then consider yourself fortunate, and know that he truly loves you if he is willing to put up with that indiscretion of yours.
Good luck to you.
2007-01-30 12:42:47 · answer #3 · answered by La Voce 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Had he ever given you a reason not to trust him? If not, then he is right to be mad about this. If you do not trust him for no reason, you never will. Do him a favor, and let him go. I would likely call off the wedding as well.
Have you tried apologizing for being wrong? He shouldn't get over it, or at least if he does, he will decide how long it takes to get over it. You were wrong, and if you feel like waiting, then do just that. Don't pester him asking how long it is going to take.
My ex was paranoid like that. If there was a woman within 20 feet of me, I was having an affair with her. Never once did it even cross my ming to stray, but I got accused of it daily. Finally, I just left. If she couldn't trust me after 5 years, it was never going to happen.
2007-01-30 12:12:00 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Firs of all-you obviously had some issues in the first place if you hired a PI to follow his whereabouts. you have probably been really hurt before by some man who cheated on you and you think all men are like that. They are not. Get counseling and seriously consider whether or not this is the time to get married for you. Good luck.
2007-01-30 12:21:01 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know, I'd call off the wedding if I were him too!
If you couldn't trust the guy in the first place, then why did you accept his proposal? And I'm sure he was involved with the wedding plans as well and feels beyond betrayed by you, the one that is supposed to be there through thick and thin.
You'd better chalk this one up to experience and just walk away.
2007-01-30 12:12:44 · answer #6 · answered by Ella 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He has just as much reason for the fall out as you, but alas, you two have had a fall out.
I think this can't be patched up... call off the wedding for now. Try to live without each other, and if you two haven't found someone else for each other in 6 months then start dating again.
2007-01-30 12:42:12 · answer #7 · answered by JRSK007 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, that was a really bad move. He must be hurt and angry that you can't trust him. I think you should've just had a talk with him instead of going through all that just to see if he was cheating. Just apologize and if you have faith in him, let him know. He may or may not come around, but if he doesn't, I'm sorry. Good luck.
2007-01-30 12:57:43 · answer #8 · answered by seashellie89 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would have done the same thing. That is sick. If you didn't trust him, you shouldn't have agreed to marry him. I don't suggest lying to him either and blaming it on your family. That's not a way to start a marriage with a big lie like that. Besides, it's likely that you'll start having him followed again. You're mentally unfit for relationships. I hope you get the help you need.
2007-01-30 12:04:22 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
You questioned his sincerity and therefore displayed mistrust. If he never gave you a reason to mistrust him... why would you have had him investigated. You really hurt him on this one. The relationship is now in trouble.... even if it wasn't before....
You blew it!
Wouldn't it have made more sense to ask him?
2007-01-30 12:36:10 · answer #10 · answered by westfield47130 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋