my husband defends and supports his ex wife how should i deal with this?

Question

my husbands exwife calls all the time about things that does not involve the kids. she recieves several thousand of dallors a year in child support but still runs around poor mouthing to anyone who will listend, she has already ben remarried and divorced since their marriage but still calls my husband to discuss issue in her family matters or the fact that her store is slow and he humors her by playing nice guys. he has told me before that the children come before me but i have a feeling that she does as well . she doesnt now her place. we pay 1500.00 a month in cs and health ins. and she will still call and us to purchase dresses or pay the dentist bill and most times he will say yes. she never worked when they were married and had no money when they divorced other than child support and she told every one she was having hard times and asking us to do more. however she jsut opened a business-- where did she get the money. she is careless with the kids and caused us alot of problem

Answer 1

Oh my - she sounds just like my husband's ex. I feel your frustration. I too have been told that his daughter will come first, which is fine because my children come first. However, I had to draw the line at her. She would call just to chat and stupid stuff like that - it was not a good situation. I had to sit him down and let him know that these little personal calls have nothing to do with their daughter, but they do have a lot to do with the future of our marriage. Sit him down and discuss this with him and give him clear examples of where they have crossed the line and not been discussing the children and how this is affecting you. It worked for me - it stopped immediately. Good luck!

Answer 2

Sheez... this guy was me 5 years ago... I did almost all of the same things. Paid alimony and child support as required, but bought clothes (even cars) for the kids in addition. My ex was calling every week for more this; more that. She was passively/agressively alienating the kids from me, frustrating visitation (she moved 400 miles away), etc. She spends money like water (one reason for the divorce) and is chronically broke. In total, I gave her/the kids over $50,000 the first six months alone. She was still broke, calling to ask me to buy her new furniture. And all the time I was telling everyone what a good mother she was... Go figure.

For me the problem was guilt. I had made a promise at the altar that I broke 18 years later. It took a very loving woman to show me that I was a good and decent guy. That I would not have divorced her unless I had no other real choice. That she had broken many of her vows to me years before I divorced her (fidelity isn't the only vow... there is love, honor, cherish...). Once I understood that I was not "responsible" for her condition, that she was, I began to see clearly. (Before that, I literally could not see what kind of woman she truly was). I began to see how easily she manipualted me. How, even divorced, she was still running (ruining) my life. It was like a light switched on in the darkness. I was furious that I had been played for 18 years of marriage and three of divorce. The turnaround was dramatic (you should have heard the shock in her voice over the phone the next time she called, and I said "no". Just "no", without explanation or discussion.

I haven't even spoken to her for years now. Your husband has some emotional reason (guilt, whatever) that makes him think her problems are "his" fault. Until he realizes that, he's going to be literally blind to her behavior. He really can't see what you see so clearly. You have to find out what drives him inside to be that blind (you can't make him see, no matter what you say or do). Once you find the emotional trigger that blinds him, find a way to make him aware of it. Trust me, he's getting something emotionally out of submitting to her will, even if it's just punishment for his "guilt". Find the trigger, then find a way to release it. Once you do, if you do, his eyes will open and life will radically change.

Answer 3

I don't think you should put a limit on what he gives to his children...I think child support is to determine the minimum a person has to pay for their children...I would never fault a parent who goes beyond that, that means they care about their child and take responsibility for whatever the needs are, whether they paid the cs or not. As far as the relationship with the ex there should be boundaries and you have to establish that with him but I agree with some of the other answers who stated that you had to know what you were getting yourself into when you married this man and from my experiences men who have attachments like that don't give them up so easily...they might lead you to believe they have when they haven't and then anything is possible so it might work better for you if you befriend the woman.

Answer 4

i think that is is time for a chat with him. Yes the children should be first above you. I personally don't think that divorced parents should remarry until all the children are 18+. But that's not the issue. I would tell him that yes kids first. But it is time he told the ex unless it pertains to the children she needs stay away. If she is sucking him dry financially he should initiate a visit to family court about it.

Answer 5

I read your lengthy letter, and you really are using the wrong approach if you carry on like this to your husband, about the Mother of his child. You are driving him away & maybe back into her life. "Reverse the role", Would you want to work all day, if you where he and come home and listen to you or would you rather come home to someone that was warm and sweet.
Why don't you leave "what is" alone and work on your marriage because right now honey, you are destroying it. They have a child together and they need to have as smooth a relationship as possible," AND THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE IT IN SPITE OF YOU AND YOU MAY AS WELL FACE IT."
Change your attitude or your marriage is doomed. ~~~~
Sorry, that is how I see it, many years experience speaking here.

Answer 6

If your not contributing to part of the child support, then dont let it get to you....He already said his kids come first, I'm not sure about the purchasing of clothing, but I DO KNOW each parent must pay half of any bills that deal with Medical,School, or Daycare, even if only one of the Parent's is the Carrier of the Insurance.

Answer 7

I have a feeling that you knew about this before you married him. Why would you marry a man with such baggage when you know you will always be second, or third, for that matter. I dated a man like that and broke it off really quickly after his ex (he had been divorced for 3 years) called to ask him stupid questions then wanted hm to help her with her car even though she had a bf. You are going to have to just deal with the situation or get out. Do you even have your own kids?

Answer 8

First of all your husband is very generous to her. I mean that's a lot of money for support and other expenses. However even when a divorce is signed it is a sometime hard to cut those emotional ties. Your really should tell your husband how you feel. If that does not work maybe counseling would help.

Answer 9

You can't stop him talking to her but you should always come first. I understand his commitment to the children and having to pay to support them. And even remaining friends with her and talking to her is fine as long as it doesn't get inbetween the two of you. I guess you need to decide what is reasonable and discuss it with him. He's probably going to have very different ideas about what is reasonable. I hope you can work something out. Try not to make ultimatums, it'll probably end up badly.

Answer 10

The best way to know what to do is to find out why they split up in the first place. Odds are you are heading in that very same direction. He sounds like a pushover and his ex is pushing all the right buttons. You need to get in there and fight for your place.