Why am I forced to be a part-time parent when I have done nothing wrong?

Question

I cannot understand how the courts can order a person to be a part-time parent to their own child when they are willing and able to be a full-time one to them. I have always encouraged the other parent to pursue a full-time relationship with our child, but all I get is no for an answer. The courts had no other reason than the other parent's wish not to be around me, as a good reason for ordering our lives to be this way. Our families are terribly saddened by this and it has split my child in two. Not to mention splitting the two sibblings apart every other week for a week at a time and at such crucial stages in their lives. They don't understand how to bond to one another, and no one wants to help us or even give us hope. My child goes through much emotional and physical stress, as she is only 2.5 yrs. old. Why does the law think it's better to have 2 part time parents than 1 full time and 1 part time when there is no conflicts between them other than personal want and gain?

Answer 1

Sweetheart, I wish there were some easy answers but there never are when human lives and the law are concerned. With no knowledge of the true history of your situation, or of the state in which you live, or even the country, no one can give you legal answers. No one can answer "why" but the officials who, I am sure, are either too jaded or too overworked to offer satisfactory answers to your questions.

When my ex abandoned us, I was grateful he left me full control of our children even if he left us in dire poverty. My girls grew up the poorest kids on the block. But they had one parent who gave them her all and there was not this painful separation anxiety you must deal with! I can understand just how emotional and painful this can be for you, but I promise, it will pass over time and nothing is static. Situations change constantly, including such messes as you describe. That is the one thing you can count on, nothing stays the same, everything changes. Unless your ex is extremely devoted, perhaps he will be bored of such a situation and you will end up keeping your child more often than not. It was my experience that often parental involvement by one partner waned once schooling was in place.

The most important thing you and your ex can do is to not focus on WHY but on WHO this effects most deeply. Your business is to consider the well-being of your little ones. The "why" you can work on at your leisure, your children's needs cannot wait. You do not mention if you work or if your kids are in day care. In such a situation it would be preferable for you to be with your young ones full time until they are older, perhaps in school so that they know Momma is always there. But if not, if you must work, then that is just the way of it.

Your babies are still young and you would be amazed at how adaptable children can be if the adults around them do not make a big fuss or emote heavily in their presence. Have you yet noticed that a child might fall and only cry if there is a fuss made but no injuries? Pay them minimal fussing, be matter of fact, and there are no tears? Children might sense something is wrong, but reassurance and a strong consistent maternal presence has a deep positive effect in such situations. Children need to know, if nothing else, you are there for them to rely on, a constancy in their ever-shifting lives. Strength is imperative.

The bonding of your kids will happen over time, please do not worry too much about that. Just make sure that when they are together, the siblings are treated equally and share quality time doing things. Do something special together if possible as soon as possible after the wee one returns home, something to bring them emotionally close. That is the key, quality time and laughter when you are together. Some times you might prefer to weep, but for your babies, put on a happy face for love of them.

This is a time for your family to pull together and help you with this, family values and belonging. If your children ask questions when they are able to, answer them truthfully with age appropriate honesty. Do not bad mouth your ex, it only demeans you in their eyes... in the long run. Let them make their own decisions when they come of age.

You can minimize this stress with these techniques. If the stress and negative behaviors accelerate, I would recommend making sure all is as it is at their father's home, that the needs are being met, that the child is well treated in all ways.

Remember, to all extents and purposes, when the law is involved in family matters, it is often right off the mark. These people go by markers that we might find absolutely ridiculous but we still have to play within these guidelines unless something goes very wrong. Just be persistent until you get your answers.

With luck and the grace of God, your situation will ease over time. Take faith in that knowledge. Meanwhile, love your children, be with them, and just do the best you can. They need your full time attention for now. It is all you can do.

I pray you find the strength to be there for your little sweeties. Good luck. I am sorry I cannot help more than this.

Answer 2

You said you always encouraged the other parent to 'pursue a full-time relationship with our child' - how is that going to work when you are apart??? It sounds like you tried to have the father come back to you...since this seems not to be the case, the part-time thing might be the only way the judge can justify things. And at 2.5, your child is young enough to quickly get used to the situation, so try to make the best of it. I can't even imagine sharing my kids; however, this is not to punish you, but to help the kids. AS I said, just try to see the positive side and make the best of it. Since things mostlikely won't change soon, this would be the best approach, for your and your child's sake!

Answer 3

Your verbiage is a bit cryptic. So... You're offering, but your ex doesn't want full custody? That's sad, if true. My condolences.