stepmoms how do i stop feeling like an outsider when my new husband spends so much time with his 1st family?

Question

tony has joint custody and has his 9yr old son mike every other day.mike is very active in sports and tony allways goes to watch mike play(which in like 2-3 days a week)then on the weekend there is always school stuff/sports games ect.if these events fall on a day tony does not have his son he still goes.i feel tony spends more time with his exwife than me since she allways goes too.i can go to(for the most part)but i end up just standing around while tony and his ex talk about upcoming events, dr appts,school stuff ect.plus i have to deal with the ex glaring at me the whole time.this happens like 2-3 times a week.i tryed getting more involved with mike like helping in his class so i would not feel so left out.well the ex found out and flipped out.now i'm not even allowed at his school.my husband will not defend me as he feels it will only make things worse for mike.is there any other stepmoms out there that have to deal with all this drama too and how do u deal with it?

Answer 1

Hold the phone ... I think this is Tony's problem too ... if he has committed himself to you he does need to help you work through this. Yes there is responsibility on your part to allow him time with his son, but he has you to consider now as well and he should. He should want to rush to your defense ... otherwise, why did he marry you?

Answer 2

If she's glaring at you when you attend the child's games that's her problem,not yours.

If your ex isn't respecting your needs that's a problem the two of you share. You'll need to sit down and be specific about what you need from him in specific situations. It's natural that he and his ex would discuss child-related things when they see each other. It's also important that the THREE of you present a united front when it comes to what's best for the child.

As a stepparent you sometimes have to bite your tongue when the other two make a decision but it can be done.

When you got married you knew he had a child. You became the stepmother and that is an honorable and valuable position. Don't let this communication problem between you and your spouse interfere with you spending quality time with your stepchild.

Answer 3

I am sorry to hear that, yes I did deal with the same thing until recently when my fiancee and i got engaged... my point i always tried to make was that i love him enough to except his children and that his ex-wife will forever be a part of my life, but i told him that i was feeling left out of decisions that he and i should be making together not him and his ex...like dr. appt. she doesn't have to tell him what's going on until after the appointment, he can say "it is up to you next time mike goesthe dr. or you can leave it up to me and i will take him on one of my days." then he would discuss this with you, there is no reason whatsoever that the exe's should be talking unless something is WRONG with the child. It took me a very long time to convince my guy of this but you just have to let him know how it is affecting your relationship, another thing to look into is ...65% of adults are divorced with children, most of them were probably not "calm" divorces, your man and you can e-mail the teacher and ask for her to let you know how mike is doing in school you and your husband can go to parent teacher conferences and then his ex can go on her own time, there is no reason for them to discuss unless child is doing extremely bad. I look at it like this: he divorced her because they didn't agree on things and they fought so how are they going to agree on 1) how the child should be disciplined for bad grades, 2) who will do what at which house and 3) they do not have to have the same rules at both houses. You and tony decide what will happen at your home and she can decide what happens at her house...!!! NO REASON TO TALK AT ALL!! MAKE THIS CLEAR...i hope i could help it sure does make things a lot easier when the ex is cut out of the picture. Good luck to you

Answer 4

Your husband is doing what's right. He wouldn't be a man worth having if he didn't see his son at least this much.

This is the life you chose.

Your job as a gracious second wife is to go to those games, be witty and kind and interested in your husband's conversations, to which you, as an adult have an obligation and right to contribute to. Or, you can walk around and meet other moms, maybe finding someone else you're more simpatico with. Or, get involved being the statistician or team snack maker or some other role.

Or, trust him, and use game time to read some good books, do some civic work, or call your friends.

Answer 5

This is exactly what dealing with people with kids is like and the person above is right: all this could have been thought of before you got married but it wasn't and now you're trying to figure out how to change the situation. It really can't be. As you said, he can't defend you b/c the ex will probably make it harder for him to see his son, as well as create extra strife in the poor kid's life by having his parents fighting AGAIN. When you have kids with him, you can raise them anyway you want, go to whatever events you want and not have to worry about it, but for now I think its best to just accept the situation as best as you can. If it makes it easier to deal with, think of it as you making a sacrifice for his son. You married a man with a kid, so I am assuming you love his kid as your own and his mom and dad are making sacrifices for him all the time, your way to join in is to grin and bear it and not walk around pouting all the time, that just makes you look selfish. Later when his son is grown, not only will he remember that his dad was at every event, but he'll remember he had a sweet stepmom that did a lot for him too. And be proud you picked a man who is so committed to making his son's life as normal as possible after a divorce, think of what type of man you'd have on your hands if he didn't.

Answer 6

ok, I am a 23 yr old on the kids side of the situation. My parents were married for 30 years when all of a sudden, my dad decided to have a midlife crisis and leave my mom. His first girlfriend he was real blunt with. letting her know that my mom and all of us kids were his family way before he was involved with her, and everything was fine. but then, he got involved with his now wife, and after dating her for a month and a half, without ever introducing her to us, he called us up one day to tell us that he was getting married and that we weren't invited. so that creates a bad begining to start with. then I guess his new wife was involved in an abusive relationship over 18 years ago, and is using that as an excuse to control my dad and how much he see's us. I am the youngest of 4 and the only girl in the family. my dad used to be my best friend before all of this, and now I hardly ever see him, and when I do it's never without my new "mom". I will never call this person "mom" because they were married when I was 20. I am adopted, so I have my birth mother, my foster mother, my adoptive mother, and my mother in law. that is enough. I don't need or want another mom.

It makes me very angry that this woman has had such an influence over my dad that we never see him anymore. He refuses to come up to where we are for holidays because she wont let him. why? because my mother will be there. I have three nieces. they are REQUIRED to call this other woman "Grandma". this really makes me angry because she is NOT their grandma. they already have two. my sister in law's mom and my mom. they don't need another one.

Like the other's have said, it's your fault for getting involved with a divorced man that you knew had children.

I know a woman that did the same thing. She kicked her husband out, and two weeks later let a man that she had known for about the same amount of time move in with her, and a month later was pregnant by this man, while she was still married to the other man. She had two other kids by this other guy at the time. I hate people like this. They just shove these kids into situatons they don't want to be in and force them to deal with it, instead of thinking about the child's feelings, they are only concerned with their own.

Just remember that there are two sides to this story, and even though you are feeling neglected or whatever, the kid is feeling angry and hurt and neglected too.... his dad and mom just split up. you are invading on his territory. and don't expect the kid to like you.

I guess that's all I can really say. I hope that you either get smart, and get out of the situation and find a better one, or learn to live with it, because this guy doesn't need to abandon his kid just because you feel neglected.

Answer 7

Have you ever seen the movie "Stepmom" with Julia Roberts?? If not...watch it....
Your husbands son will always come first. Unfortunately for you...that means having to deal with the Ex Wife. So...here is my advice....if you truly love your husband and you want to make this marriage work...then you make yourself VISIBLE. Don't be a wallflower...don't allow the ex-wife to take the lead when you are with him. By all means, respect that she is his mother...and your husband is his father...that will never EVER change....but don't allow any disrespect to come your way because you've done nothing wrong. Make it a point to be involved in your stepson's life...don't allow the ex-wife's nasty looks to sway you because they are only that...LOOKS. Now if she were to say something...defend yourself in a respectful, matter of fact way and nicely let her know that your not going anywhere. It is not your husbands job to defend you to his ex-wife....he may not want to tick her off because he DOES love his son so much.....
Like I said...make yourself NOTICED....Maybe, after he sees that your willing and capable of holding your own...that he'll start treating you as his partner ...in all aspects....especially in front of his Ex.

Answer 8

I'm not a step parent but please don't let her hold you back. You should go, show your support for Mike. Don't let her win! She knows she can keep you away by acting this way. I think its wonderful that your husband is so involved in his son's life, that is good. So many times it isn't that way. Encourage your husband to stay in his son's life and you go too. If she glares, glare back! She'll get the message! Good luck hun!

Answer 9

I feel you!!! Your husband is being a jerk,if he expects you to accept his child,that's one thing,but you don't have to accept his ex-wife glaring at you all the time,he's married to you,but letting her run the show as far as the child's welfare,give your husband an ultimatum,either he wants you,or his wants his ex-wife and child,I'm not saying you should ask him to choose between you and the child,make him choose between you and the ex, your husband needs to stick up for you,if he can't or won't stick up for you then you don't need him,let him know how you feel ,if he doesn't listen to you,then show him the door

Answer 10

it is never going to change, the ex will feel threatened if u even try to get involved with her son, as she is not your Friend, yes it will make u feel left out, the ex is jealous and sees u as the reason they are no longer together. u will never change this, not ever. should have thought twice about marrying someone with kids.