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I'm so frustrated! My husband and I have been together for four years. He really gets off on being degraded, and it's getting more extreme lately -- most times we have sex, it has to involve locking him up in a chastity device, or chaining him to something, or if we're having "vanilla" sex, it always comes back to my having to talk out an imaginary scenario for him. I consider myself open minded and sexually giving, so I'm willing to do this stuff sometimes, but I'm frustrated because I find degradation a big turn-off and he finds it arousing. I don't want to be a dominatrix, just a mutual loving partner. I pretend I'm enjoying it, and I play along, but I really can't get into this stuff and I feel like it's taken over our entire sex life. I just can't stand the power dynamic of degradation. I'm an attractive woman, but I feel like he's more aroused by devices and scenarios than by me. When I tell him how I feel, he says these are his needs and I should be there for him. Help!

2007-01-30 09:14:55 · 11 answers · asked by sevenparakeets 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

11 answers

Yes he has needs, but so do you. In some manner both sets must be respected. I think marital counseling is in your future.

2007-01-30 09:21:28 · answer #1 · answered by Poppet 7 · 1 1

Wow, this is a hard one. I can see wanting to roleplay SOME but this is pretty extreme and I am a pretty open minded person too, especially when it comes to sex. I would suggest a marriage and family therapist maybe to discuss these issues. I mean, what else is there? I can't even imagine being in this position! It would be hard to want to divorce someone over this kind of thing but I also can't imagine not being sexually satisfied by my husband for the rest of my life. Also, the fact that it turns you off and he ignores your concerns, eventually that resentment is going to run over into other parts of your relationship so he should go to counseling with you just for that reason. I don't think you should tell him its to handle his "problem" or anything negative or he will shut it out anyway but if you maybe make it sound like you'll be going to help YOU out then maybe he'll go. :-) Good luck, I hope SOMETHING works out either way!

2007-01-30 17:25:34 · answer #2 · answered by Princess~C 3 · 0 0

You two need to find mutual ground. Make a list of everything that appeals to you sexually. Be very specific.
Have your husband do the same, then compare lists. What things you have on both lists, center your sex play around them. If there aren't enough activities there to do this, use your imagination to find new ground; activities that are new to you both. Not only will it be exciting, but it will be a new experience you both can share, which can draw you both closer to one another. Good luck.

2007-01-30 17:42:25 · answer #3 · answered by rtanys 6 · 0 0

Talk about it. My wife doesn't do it as much as I want but she does do it. She likes to maintain that it happens when and only when she desires it. Sounds like a dominatrix there so he will be turned on by that too. Let him know you need to be his wife first and his Mistress second. Like all things its new and exciting and helps add spice to the bedroom, try to add different spices to your vanilla sex, costumes are a great device, and if you want to get really adventurous, tell him to tie you up!!!

2007-01-31 13:03:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Meet him halfway and do this some for you and then have him do something for you that you like like oral or something done to you that you like and that is a turn on to you! Be honest with him and tell him how you feel... Since you dont like the toys and devices maybe he can have sex with you here and there without them once in a while...

2007-01-30 17:21:44 · answer #5 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0 0

maybe you should take him to a dominatrix club, i know of one in my city that will degrade him and stuff, nothing sexual, or at least no sex involved, just fetish and fantasy fullfilment and such, so it really wouldn't be like cheating or anything, just he wants to be degraded

2007-01-30 18:20:49 · answer #6 · answered by zether 6 · 0 0

Hun, you guys need to have a talk and he needs to know you feel like this. Come to a compromise, some nights you could do what he wants, others you guys should do what you want.

2007-01-30 17:43:12 · answer #7 · answered by amyvnsn 5 · 0 0

Sounds to me like you're married to a wrong person. Not everyone is sexually compatible.

2007-01-30 17:47:39 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Boot him to the curb since he wants to be treated badly. Then hit him with divorce papers. That'll add to his fetish even more but this time it's for real.

2007-01-30 17:23:51 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

the fact that he doesn't seem receptive to your feelings/concerns bothers me more than anything else that you wrote.....maybe try some "couples therapy" to improve communication

2007-01-30 17:22:18 · answer #10 · answered by SNAP! 4 · 0 0

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