"why do women in abusive relationships stay?" does this question place blame on a woman for being abused?

Question

whenever you hear about a woman being physically abused by a mate some-one always asks "why does she stay with him?"....nobody ever says "why does he beat her up?", which (to me) shifts the blame right onto the woman....
what do you guys think?

Answer 1

the blame is usually placed on the woman unfortunately. Just like when a woman is raped, people ask what she did to cause it. Its ridiculous.
Women stay for a variety of reasons, most of which stem from fear. Whether it is fear of what they may do to her, to fear of finding somebody even worse.
Men need to be held accountable for these things. Women need the support to find a way to stop it. Blaming women isn't doing any good.

Answer 2

No you are right. A family member of mine was a psychologist. She had to testify after one of her clients children was killed by her husband. She argued that while, she should be held accountable and be held as an unfit parent and had her child taken away, she was not dumb or deserved what happened. Neither of them did. Many women who stay in abusive relationships do so for multiple reasons. They were in abusive families as kids so they think it is normal. You get your morals, religion and political views often from your parents, how you view your family life is the strongest indicator of how yours will be. Simply they were indoctrinated their entire life to believe this should happen. They have low self esteem and believe they deserve it. People don't relies just how persuasive someone can be, abusers can warp their victims mind to believe they still love them and will change, one of them needs them or they deserve it. It's scary how even free independent thinkers can be fooled. Two common reasons which gains more sympathy for the victims and understanding (not saying you should, you should never even stay with someone who hits you once) are financial and fear. If you have nowhere else to go, particularly if you have kids some feel pressured to stay. Not only the fear of being homeless, but also they don't want to loose your kids to the system or abuser. Fear of what they will do after you leave is very legitimate, though again not a good reason for staying. The most dangerous point in an abusive relationship is the breaking up. Abuse is a control thing, so when you take away the control, people loose it. Many homicides and violent domestic assaults occur after one party has announced that they are leaving. At the chance that you happen upon an abusive partner, remember boy or girl have family and friends ready to take you in and keep you away. Never speak to that person again, under any circumstance. You owe them nothing and they will just try to get you to come back. They will tell you they changed, well whoopdy do, they can be changed for someone else not you. A restraining order will help if he/she breaks it but it is not a deterrent, remember that. Simply if you have never been in an abusive relationship you simply do not fully understand what it is like.

Answer 3

60 years ago yes, women had no options. You left your parents house and went to your husbands house. Now a days there are so many options. Women's shelters, friends, family. Abuse is no longer a families dirty little secret. Why women stay who knows, embarrassment, shame, and maybe not knowing where they can get help. A lot of times as part of physical abuse there is mental abuse and a women is told how many times she deserves it she may start to believe it. Not very often you see a woman with high self esteem get into relationships like that. I had a boyfriend when I was younger and if we had an argument he would slowly flex his wrist, I told him flat out get your best shot in because I will not be around for the second one. I broke up with him the next day.

Answer 4

It is easier to blame the victim that to say that society is all screwed up and has been covering up domestic violence for years. Now that it is finally out in the open and not some dirty little secret, we have to pin this horrific crime on something and saying that the underpinnings of a patriarchial society. Women until less that a hundred years ago were still regarded as property of the male and as a result of this were sometimes subjected to horrendous acts. Look at some of the laws and even with child abuse people turn a blind eye to it because of the unsavoury nature and not wanting to be involved. By admitting that this is the fault of society as a whole we are suggesting that we do not live in such enlightened times and there is still a great deal of inequality that needs to be dealt with immediately.

Answer 5

You have a valid point. But why would someone allow themselves to be mentally and physically hurt? It takes two to have an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to hit, but she doesn't have to stay and take it.

Also, I don't bother asking why a man hits a woman. It's usually the same thing. Because he's weak and pathetic and needs to have control. He also needs counseling and some time to cool off in a cell with a 6'3" Sumo named Tiny. That way he'll know what it's like to be someones punching bag.

But, I have seen some women who stay with men who beat them and I will admit it's perplexing to me. For instance, I had a friend who lived in Saudi Arabia. Neither her nor her husband are Saudi nationals, so the laws for Saudi don't apply to them. She could have left at any time, but she stayed there and let him beat her before during and after her pregnancy. Their kid is two now and she allows herself to get beaten in front of her son. She could return to England and not even worry about him following her since the Visa laws for people coming from poor countries are so strict, but she stays there anyway and lets him beat the crap out of her.

You can't always control what people do to you, but you can control what you do afterwards.

Answer 6

I think that both questions need to be asked. But if you ask why he beat her up, it shifts the focus onto him. When in that situation, it is the welfare of the victim that needs addressing...not the reasons for unacceptable behaviour.

I don't believe that asking why she stays shifts the blame to the woman...it is a genuine question. If she chooses to stay, it doesn't mean that she deserves more of the same abuse, but it does suggest that she is willing to take it.

Answer 7

This isn't meant to be stereotypical, just in the perspective of society... Men are seen to be the stronger of the sexes, and usually this is true. Men are also seen to be more violent and hot tempered. So when a man abuses his wife, this doesn't really blow anyones mind, its become a common news story. But women are seen to be the leven headed, decision making types, so when a women just lets this go on, its hard to comprehend what exactly she was thinking. I do think it but some of the blame on the women, but not intentionally.

Answer 8

No one needs to ask 'why does he beat her up', because the answer is irrelevant. We assume that any man who regularly beats up on women is a person who belongs locked up in a cell and/or treated as a dangerous psycopath. His 'reasons' are utterly without merit. There IS no good reason to regularly physically abuse another person.

Therefore, we ask the only obvious question. Why does the woman stay? This does not put the blame for the abuse on the woman, it merely asks her to question why she is PUTTING UP with that abuse.

Answer 9

Well, there is a two-pronged answer to that. The first part is that no one asks why the guy beats her because it doesn't matter; whatever excuse he uses, it's not right. That being the case, the only relevant question IS, "Why does she stay?" She IS responsible for her own conduct, and if she stays, and does nothing about it, even if it is simply staging an intervention, she is giving tacit consent for the behavior to continue.

Answer 10

Yes I agree. It doesn't seem fair to make it seem like the woman's fault. Most women have no one to go to for help or they think that it's just a phase and that their boyfriend/husband doesn't mean it and will change. Or they think that if they leave they will be found or the police won't believe them at all so they stay because they feel like they have no choice. Maybe they're afraid that (if they have kids) that if they leave the boyfriend/husband will take out his frustations on the children.