I separated from my wife 2 years ago. Our child is now in daycare (4 years old) and on the days when I pick him up (about 1/2 the time) he's upset and doesn't want to come with me. He says "No! I didn't want YOU to pick me up, I wanted MOMMY!!" This has subsided considerably since I've worked with the teacher. I've provided her with a calendar and asked if she could let my child know who's coming to pick him up. I think part of the problem is that he doesn't like surprises.
I've also tried talking with him about it. Things are much better now - but occasionally the teacher will forget to remind him / or the schedule will change and he'll be upset when I pick him up. I can't help but wonder why he gets so upset. Once he gets over the initial feeling he seems to be fine and things are back to normal.
2007-01-30 08:13:27 · 27 answers · asked by selgaE 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Don't beat yourself up about it, I went through the same thing. Child psycologists will tell you that one of the ways a child copes with seperation, even after 2 years, is to "punish" the "absent" parent. No, you're not really absent, but you're not there 24/7 with your child anymore and they will see that as abandonment and will "punish" you for not being there. They don't even understand they're doing it and will eventually grow out of it. My advice, keep doing what you're doing and stay in the child's life and be there as much as possible. And don't be too hard on yourself. It took several years for my child to grow out of it and things are much easier now that he's older and has a better understanding of things.
2007-01-30 08:25:30 · answer #1 · answered by jirstan2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Because until a child is about 4 all they usually want is mommy. But I think you are going about this the best you can. He'll have to learn to deal with the separation, which is not easy when you don't understand why mommy and daddy don't live together anymore. Try to keep thing as normal as you can for a while. He needs the stability right now, and that may be why he is getting so upset when he doesn't know who is picking him up.
2007-01-30 08:21:23 · answer #2 · answered by purpledragonflyjrh 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's probably just a rough time he's going through. It's hard for him not to feel like he has one solid, stable home. He probably attributes that to his mom's house, as he's there more often? He's still little and mommy is #1 right now, which is very common for that age. Keeping him on a solid schedule and having the teacher and his mom help remind him of what day it is and what he's doing will help give him a sense of security, which is what every kid wants.
Try making a big, wall sized calendar for your home. Each time he's there mark the day and when he's leaving you can look at it and count the days until his next visit. He'll begin to look forward to coming as a treat rather than time away from his mom's house.
Good luck, you sound like a great dad.
2007-01-30 08:19:24 · answer #3 · answered by Jilli Bean 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It could be that way for her also if he is expecting you that day and since plans change when she shows up he could be upset with her too. He's 4, he's just a little boy. He doesn't know what is going on. All he knows is Mommy and Daddy doesn't live together anymore. If he stays with your ex there is probably some male bashing going on. she might not be telling him but a friend perhaps and he over hears this. If it is really concerning you then talk to your ex.
2007-01-30 08:25:18 · answer #4 · answered by Karen A 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You only see him part of the time so make the time your with him a little extra special. Its hard for a child that young to handle mom and dad not being together. You and your ex chose to have him. You both choice to brake up. A child needs love and 2 parents are better then 1 so their will be problems you just have to do best you can as a split up family
2007-01-30 08:23:38 · answer #5 · answered by sara a 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Children at that age understand things in very black and white views.
Since you don't live with him and mommy, he understands you as the outsider. I know that's gotta hurt like heck. Just understand, it's not you, it's his age. Keep working with his teacher, and your exwife if possible to help him understand that you are still his loving daddy and that's OKAY to live somewhere else.
My 4 year old started telling me he hates preschool. So I wondered what was going on there...turns out he has a great time there and says he hates going home! LOL...we've all met about this and it simply turns out he needed a 15 min warning of where he was going to help him get used to the idea of the schedule change.
2007-01-30 08:21:58 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you may want to take your child AND your ex out to lunch, someplace where your child can see both of you together. Sometimes kids have to blame a parent for the disruption in their life..the one who leaves is usually the one that gets blamed. He is so young and needs to see that mommy and daddy still love him and if that means being together once in a while so be it. You have a child together and will ALWAYS be a family...even tho there are two homes for him now. Make a calander for him to keep at mommys house so that he can see when you will pick him up. Or you may want to find a different place to get him...possibly at mommys house or McDonalds
2007-01-30 08:33:02 · answer #7 · answered by isellhousesinnm 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Children are sensitive creatures and thrive on consistency. Being a child of divorce is disruptive in the very nature of the beast itself. you must do whatever you can to make sure this child knows what is going on in his life from day to day. If Mom is dropping him off every day just work together and maybe she can be all excited and say "Wow-Daddy is going to pick you up today and do so and so." You and your ex must work together for the sake of the child. It is a hard thing but you also have to make the effort not to discourage him from wanting Mommy either. I know it hurts your feelings but you just have to tough it out and help him through it.
2007-01-30 08:20:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
1) Kids don't like change or surprise.
2) He probably does the same to his mum (I know mine does)
3) He is with his mum more so will be more attached to her
4) Mummy didn't leave daddy did (unfair I know)
5) Because you left he is worried you might leave again
6) He knows it is getting to you so he does it more (all kids do that)
Thats all the possible reasons I can think of I haven't any real suggestions except making sure he knows he's loved & that you will always be near for him also try to disrupt his schedule as little as possible.
Have you talked to his mum about it? she will be able to help by stressing the fact that you love him / are always available to speak to on the phone / will always love him because he's a special boy etc
2007-01-30 08:25:18 · answer #9 · answered by madamspud 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's normal for little children to want their mother more than their father(sorry) He's probably confused about seeing his mommy most of the time and then having you come and be w/ him..which is unregular for him...youngsters need a steady life..with little interuptions or changes. I feel bad for your child and you. I would try psychaiatry or just explaining to him the situation
good luck
2007-01-30 08:20:04 · answer #10 · answered by jess 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋