I was at home for about 4.5yrs raising our 2 children, and am now back at work again for 2.5yrs... not that that seems to have made a difference. But during our marriage, I went to three different counsellors, and he refused to join me. It was always about me "getting better." He never put any effort into our marriage, nor any effort into the raising our children. He would go to work and wouldn't call for 14 hours (and if I called him I had to 'cut to the chase.') Not only was he extremely verbally abusive, for the past year he has threatened divorce on a regular basis to the point of even putting it in writing; he eventually pulled a knife on me, and now that I've left him, he's all of a sudden wonder Dad and is remorseful... apparently he's been "doing some reading" and he's ashamed at how badly he treated me. Is he joking???? Are such drastic measures typical to get one's husband's head around the fact his behaviour was less than exemplary? Guys, thoughts?
2007-01-30 07:32:09 · 62 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You don't know what you got till its gone!!! Everyone is sorry once the person they love leaves...it doesn't mean they didn't mean to do what they did to hurt you and in time their old dirty habits will come right back out the woodworks. Please try to be strong...drop that zero and get yourself a hero. Good luck!
2007-01-30 07:35:08 · answer #1 · answered by Benny 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It really sounds like he feels controlled (whether or not that is the case, hard to say). If he didn't want a family who cares about him who wants him to be there as an active role, then he's not ready to be a dad. I honestly say it's ultimatum time. Either shape up and be a parent/husband, or get out because I'm better off on my own. You have to start doing what's right for you and your children (and being your husband's mom/boss isn't going to help). Be firm that he only has one chance, and that it will NEVER come again (not even if he realizes what he missed and comes back in a few years). Let him see the kids, but let it be over between the two of you.
2016-03-15 02:27:46 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes and no I'm afraid. First off, verbal, emotional and threatening physical abuse and/or harm is a REALLY bad thing to begin with. This is a strong indication that he has some form(not sure which one though) of a problem with his adolescence as well as general outlook on the opposite sex. That's the no part. The yes part is because he realizes both consciously and subconsciously that he's in deep doo-doo with you legally, emotionally as well as for his future relationships with just about any woman(even his own daughter[s], if he has one[any]) he encounters from this point on. He's actually attempting to show that he can change for the better by being "super dad" and all the other things he's doing. However, before even considering returning to him for ANY reason, some very sever and intensive counseling for himself and yourself should be sought not only for your safety, but also for the children's' too.
2007-01-30 07:42:03 · answer #3 · answered by mangamaniaciam 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From a man's point of view, it could be his way of being manipulative. Abusive men don't want to be alone and wants someone to control. Believe it or not some men would portray an act to get back into the home so that they won't pay child support (cheaper to keep her). Reading your post, your husband was abusive and you and your children do not deserve that. Your children should not witness the abusive behavior from your spouse for it can cause them to grow up thinking that it is o.k. You did the right thing and I know it may be hard but don't look back. Just continue to let him be the "all of a sudden super dad" outside of the home. You deserve better and you did the right thing by leaving. Good for you!
2007-01-30 07:42:43 · answer #4 · answered by stergre1975 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My sister's husband was like that to her. He was an alcoholic and compulsive liar. He cheated on her, all while constantly accusing HER of cheating. He spent all their money on his girlfriends so they had to declare bankruptcy; when they split, he kicked my sister and niece out of the house and they had to live with friends. Then he didn't pay any of the bills, got his car repossessed, lost the house, and my sister still gets calls from creditors trying to get her to pay his bills. After the divorce he kept calling her and apologizing, and asking her to take him back, but within a few months he was married to someone else, and has done the same things to her. He quit paying child support and lied about it, saying it must be some paperwork glitch, when he knew all along it was because he got fired and there was no longer a paycheck for the govt. to take the child support out of. To make up for it, he gave his daughter his Camaro, knowing full well it wouldn't be long before the repo man caught up with it, and a month later her car was gone. His daughter tried to keep loving him up to that point, but that was the last straw for her.
So, NO NO NO NO NO!!! Do not trust him! A leopard doesn't change his spots, and certainly not overnight. It's just a blow to his ego, now that you no longer love him enough to put up with him. And if he does anything threatening, you call the police immediately, and get a restraining order if you have to. Once he realizes you're gone for good, he might get really angry. So be careful!
2007-01-30 07:50:08 · answer #5 · answered by cmm_home 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
We men are often oblivious to the harm we
cause by our immature, aggressive, selfish behavior. There is very little that can make us accept the responsibility of our own acts. We go through many lengths to pin the problem on someone else. He is doing nothing more than trying to work the old 'reverse psychology' on you. Don't fall for it! As a married man with two teen age daughters I can safely tell you that he is not sorry for what he did, he's sorry he doesn't have a sucker to bully any more! He wants to prove to himself, through mistreating you that he still has what it takes to dominate in a relationship. Do not accept him back into your life. He is a sorry excuse for a husband and friend.Don't let him coerce you into taking him back. Don't let him manipulate you!
2007-01-30 07:46:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a question that you will eventually have to find the answer to yourself. We are never going to know the entire story, and never know for sure if he is truly willing to be a better person and get help. I can only tell you my opinion and what I would do. If anyone ever pulled a knife on me no matter what, they would not get a second chance. I don't care what he does for counseling or who he talks to. It would be over. I have very strong feelings about that. Also, you have kids.. You never know what he is capable of, he has shown you his hot temper more than once. I would never let my children near him unless it were supervised. It doesn't matter if he has threatened them in the past or not, you are there to protect your children. They need someone to protect them. That being said, I hope you come to a decision that you feel is right for you and your family. Good luck.
2007-01-30 07:39:40 · answer #7 · answered by tmac 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well my Mother left my dad 3 times due to verbal abuse and drinking. I noticed that he seemed to 'get better' while she was away and every time she came back to the house he started off again. She has now this week left him for good as he can't seem to deal with his drink problem. I think she has realised that a leopard never changes its spots. It really is bad if he pulled a knife on you. I'd say get the children out and get a new life with someone that really deserves you. Please whatever you do, don't stay together 'for the children's sake'. It really does things to you, having to go through that growing up!
2007-01-30 07:39:24 · answer #8 · answered by cats_fender 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, I'm not a guy-but I do know quite a bit about human abusive patterns....he is simply being controlling-if you were to go back to him now after all the abuse you have experienced, everything would be great -for about a week. Abusive personalities usually are controlling, now that you have left him, he no longer has control over you, this is why he seems "sorry". think back on your relationship over the years-I gurantee you have experienced this kind if "guilt" from him before?? This is a typical abusive pattern, and trust me honey-it will continue! Move on, find someone great who will treat you with the respect and love you deserve!! Best of luck to you!!!
2007-01-30 07:44:16 · answer #9 · answered by lilbit1231 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pulling a knife on you is something I'd say he needs to get help for, do you really want to run the risk that taking him back would let him lapse into the way he was before and maybe kill you next time? Do what's best for you and your kids, there are many other guys out there who don't or won't need separation to show them the right way to treat you.
2007-01-30 07:39:01 · answer #10 · answered by darkness_returns 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is only natural he be remorseful and ashamed now that he has had time to think and feel what it is like without you and all he had. I would be scared to jump back with him until enough time has past to see if he really has changed.Everyone need a second chance if truely they see and admit they was wrong.The knife thing worrys me .Iam a man , but I have alittle advantage on him Im 60 year old and have alot experince in reading people.If he really has change ask if he would now go to the counsellor with you,let him know you will not work on the marriage if he is not willing. Marriage takes alot of hard work to make it good. He may be willing, ask and see if he cares enough to go get help. Hope I have helped. Lookout for yourself and children. Most inportant are you three
2007-01-30 08:01:15 · answer #11 · answered by nandywho 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋