Is it OK to hate my dad?

Question

My mom says it is wrong to hate anybody but I think I hate my dad He left us right before christmas for another woman and her kids My little sister cries all the time He wants to visit us but I dont want to see his lying cheating face again People said I will get over it but I dont want to ever be like him or acept what he did He said it is between him and mom but thats not true bc when you get married and start a family it is between you and the whole family too

Answer 1

Yes, Hate may be a bit strong but you certainly don't
have to forgive him or be nice to him..

Answer 2

What you feel is a hatred for your father's actions. If you father treated your family well before he left you don't actually hate him. It is okay to hate something someone did to you but you need to accept it and move forward. You are also in a good position to help your sister to understand a little about this. You need to ask your parents to not force you into a situation you and your sister may not be ready for in visitation with a whole new family quite so soon, think about your dad taking just you two to the movies or park or something. In time you will accept what has happened. Sometimes what brought your parents together was not even to sustain them for forever. There was nothing anyone could do to change that. But you can try to make relationship choices for yourself based on good decisions. Your father is correct that that main break-up was between your mother and father, but as you point out you kids were very much affected. Have a talk with your father and let him know about your feelings and how it hurts you to see your sister so sad. If he is a mature man he will listen to you and try to do things that will help to make it easier on you all and help you to adjust to the situation. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

U shouldn't hate your dad however u have every right to feel hurt and angry and hopefully the people who are around you allow this to happen. People telling you that you will get over it probably don't know what else to say u at same stage u will need to accept what has happened and then it should be a bit easier for u. If u stand by not wanting to be like him then u won't do the things that he has done. U don't say how old u and yr sister are but hopefully there is someone you can both talk to that u trust.
I agree that the whole family is affected but there are some things that need to remain between the parents and remember that what yr dad has done has not changed his feelings for you and your sister.

Answer 4

Those feelings are very much ok to have. My dad hit my mom while she was pregnant with me and she left him. I didn't meet him until I was 16 and that was by my choice. I have resented him all of my life. I cant even stand to be in his presence. What your dad did to your family is wrong and you are right, it is the whole familys issue to deal with. He hurt all of you, not just your mom. I dont think that is something you will ever GET OVER. I think with time you will be able to deal with it but not get over it. Those feelings you have for him now will always be there. I am 25 years old now and I have never gotten over it. I can however deal with it. I dont see my dad or have any contact with him whatsoever. I have two kids and they have never even met him. He is full of empty promises and I dont want my kids around that. You have the right to feel any way you need to feel.
Good luck with this situation and be sure to comfort your sister in anyway you can because she is going through this too.

Answer 5

Hi ya Dexter. I'm a Mom, before I was a mom I was (a long time ago :-) ) a kid, whose Dad decided to go up a couple of miles up the road to a new family so I kinda know what you are saying even though everyone's situation is different. Your mom is right in that you should never hate anyone...but you can love someone and not like them.. I loved my Dad right up to the day he died, I didn't however always like him. You're also right to a point...most of this divorce stuff is between your mom and dad but you have a right to ask questions of them and they in their love for you should answer them. The adult portion of this...the lying/cheating is between your mom and dad but your relationship with your dad is just that your relationship, you and your dad same as it is you and your mom. Understand? Some of the reasons why he may have left is adult...between your mom and him...what he does now to have a relationship with you is between you and him. I have only one bit of advice .... talk to him!!! because when he is gone like mine so are the answers and life is too short and family too important. Make a new relationship with your dad, one that is just yours and his. Take it from someone who has been there (or at least one of my sisters or brother has) and find the silver lining its always there sometimes you just have to hunt harder. And sometimes you just have to let it go so you can enjoy the rest. G'luck Hon and one more thing ...find someone to talk to, a friend, a aunt/uncle, just someone you can vent to that isn't going to take it personal so that once you have vented then you can think.

Answer 6

Well morally speaking - No. but what he has done to u and ur mom is not acceptable. But hating him is not the solution. Try to find out if he is really sorry for what he did or he just wants to visit you and wants to still live with the other woman?
As u say some people will argue that its all between ur mom and him, but that hardly resolves the issue. Yes he is ur biological father, but it does not mean that he can go filandering everywhere he wishes. even if ur mom is not keeping him happy, he has a responsibility to u and ur litl sister too. So in my view this behaviour is not condobable. Try to meet him and find why he walked out. Try to reconcile things if they can be salvaged.
U can also try to bring him back and in that case ur feeling of hurt will also get softened.
Good luck

Answer 7

Dexter, what your feeling is natural! It is OK to feel resentment, antagonism and the desire not to fall into the same conduct your father did. What happened between your parents to cause the separation is between them but the consequences of that action have affected all of you, therefor you have a right not to want to see him. It is within you though, to try to heal the damage done. This can only be done if you forgive and forget! There is nothing you can do to remedy the situation between your parents but there is something you can do to help yourself, your sister and your mom get over this as soon as possible. Holding grudges over a period of time have a tendency to wear down the defenses of the individual thus leaving him more vulnerable for more abuse and suffering. Harboring hate only causes you the most harm. I know it is difficult to overcome the original damage but you have to work hard at getting rid of the 'sting'. You shouldn't dwell on the subject for it will only intensify your negative feelings.

Answer 8

You're right - he left your mom but he also in a way left you. Its true what others have told you, you will move on from this. The best thing to do is find out why he left. Sometimes marriages don't work out even when you have kids. As you grow older you'll understand the complexities of the situation. The fact that he wants to be part of your life is a good thing - let him be part of it after you've had a chance to cool down.

Answer 9

I can understand what you are feeling as you feel you have been deceived. Were there things happening prior to his leaving that occurred. It might be a while before you want to speak to him as you feel that the has deserted you. Before you make that final decision you might want to rethink not liking him for a while give it time and then see how you feel Right now all your emotions are all tied up with the way that you are feeling inside.
You might want to ask him questions to find out what it was that made him change his mind about the family that he is selecting.
What caused all of this and to let him know that you are upset with him right now and really feel distant towards him.
Listen to what he is saying but don't make any rash decisions.
right now you are hurting from the decision he made.
Give yourself time to figure it out better.

Nothing good comes from a decision made too quickly .
Wishing you good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Answer 10

well he sure could've picked a better time than right before christmas... huh? My kids had a really hard time and sometimes still resent us for spliting. I know it's hard now, but, It will get better as you see the changes in both your parents and how happy they can be apart. Try not to hate your Dad, he is the only one you'll ever have. Just try to be patient with him and the situation. Good Luck and I hope it all turns out okay for you and your family. M

Answer 11

I kind of agree with your mom, but I do think if someone wrongs you in such a way then I think it is okay to hate someone. That is true, it is between your mom and dad. But, you and your sister are the out come of it, so yes you are going to be affected by it. They have no right to tell you how to feel or behave. Although they might tell you how to behave and that will make you a better.