My 13 year old adopted daughter..?

Question

Wants to know who her real parents are.They are both drug addicts in rehab and I do not want her to hear that.She told me this morning if I do not tell her she will find out on her own.What should I do?

Answer 1

Come on!She is 13,not 3.A 13-year-old is ready to hear even that.I can't get it why do people always think of 13-year-olds as 3-4-year-olds unable to understand anything.Tell her the truth - her parents are drug addicted and they are rehabilitating now.What's so scary?The first answer is ridiculous for a 13-year-old - "they are at a good place getting help"...I would explain that to a 4-year-old.She is a teenager and she has to be looked at like a teenager.Trust me,if she wants to,she will find out who they are and she won't be prepared for that if you haven't told her what to expect(drug addicted).

Answer 2

We all look for our roots. Getting a picture or mug shots of them and letting her know what they have done is fair. Do not go over board. See if there is a grandmother or other blood relative that would be willing to meet your daughter and maybe give her some pictures of her parents as they grew up. This will be something that she will have to decide for herself as to how far she wants to go. At this age just a picture and names are normally enough but by 16 or 17 they want to meet them or someone in their family to answer the question of why did you not want me. I went for the search of my cousins birth mother when we were teenagers and we found them. Once she met her and yelled at her she was fine and never spoke to her again. Than after she calmed down she was very thankful that she was adopted, her mother lived in a small very old trailer and had 5 kids at the time, trailer was dirty and no car. My cousin was used to designer jeans, and a higher standard of living. She will continue her search with or without you, you have to decide if you can be open minded enough to help her so that she can fill in the void that she feels about being adopted. This does not mean that she loves you any less, just that she wants to find out where she came from and why. If you do not help her other people will and that will put a tarnish on your relationship possibly and could be dangerous to boot. So do what you have always done with your daughter help her to find the answers she needs.

Answer 3

Teenagers these days are amazingly resilliant. She knows that you are hiding it from her for a reason, so she must already have an idea that it's not good. If you don't tell her you are only begging her to go behind your back and find out. Also by not telling her candidly and openly, you are closing a very important line of communication that you are going to wish you had when she is 16 going on 40 and will not tell you anything about her life. Be frank and let her know that you love her and are glad that her parents misfortune brought her into your life and that you will always be there for her and answer any question no matter how uncomfortable it makes you so you will always be her source for information.

Answer 4

She probably cannot find out on her own until she is 18. However, you need to make some definitive decisions about what you are going to tell her and when. In most states, even if she knew who they were and where they were she would not be allowed to see them until she is 18. My girls (2 adopted daughters) wanted to know too, but they were not insistive. They met their birth grandmother, mother and 2 other sisters we did not know about when my oldest was 18 and youngest was 16. Since then there has been very limited contact between the oldest (now 21) and her birth family and no contact with the birth mother by my youngest (who frankly could care less because her mother could care less).

I would talk this over with your social worker or agency worker and determine when they felt this information would be appropriate for her. You might have your daughter meet with them too.

Your daughter undoubtedly knows YOU are her parents. At her age she is just questioning her origins. Nothing wrong with that. She just needs reassurances that she was specially chosen by you to be your daughter and her birth parents didn't "throw her away" but were unable to care for her due to their lifestyle choices. Hard answer. . . but nevertheless true.

Answer 5

I have adopted twins who are currently 2 1/2 years old. I'm worried when they too want to know about their biological parents (who amazing sound like your daughters) I would not run them down or anything. Maybe just explain to her that they made some not good choices in life, but did the best they could for her by making sure she had a loving home. Tell her they cared so much for her they let her go to someone who could better take care of her. Explain right now its not an option to see them or find them due to where they are at. She is old enough now where she might start to figure things out on her own. Answer her questions the best you can but i just wouldn't say anything bad about them to her. Good luck, i hope it all goes well for you guys.

Answer 6

This is a tough one, and my thoughts would be that honesty and discretion would be my top priorities.

The actual instance(s) that brings on altercations and/or controversies with our children rarely are the true issues. It is the underlying circumstances that are our true stumbling blocks. If we will remember that truths and principles will always prevail, half of your battle is already won. How often do we here such statements as: “but you say one thing, and do another…” or “you are such a liar…” This is hypocrisy. Saying it plainly, somewhere along the line a principle was broken. What is remembered are the principles that were or were not used in dealing with situations like this. Your daughter will remember your integrity in dealing with this situation much more than whether or not she received the information requested.

Now, let’s think about it. The main standing of being a parent is to guide, teach, and protect our children; to raise them to the best of our abilities so that they become productive young adults. One of the ways for them to become that is to learn from either our mistakes or their own. As your daughter approaches adulthood, she begins exercising her independents. One way for her to do that is by asking for what, she believes is, information that she needs.

Option A: If you decide to tell her…

If you give her the requested information, you have essentially treated her as an adult. How she processes the information is the unknown. However, as parents, every day is an unknown… Between drugs, fornication, accidents... the list goes on and on.
This is where we, as parents, need to shine. Being there for our children, allowing her to go through the pain, grief, anger and all the other emotions she may have all the while knowing that you are right there.


Option B: If you decide not to tell her…

If you do not give her the requested information, you have essentially treated her as a child. This is not necessarily a bad thing. One of the most difficult parts of offering advice is that I do not know the mental and/or maturity level of the parties involved. I do not base my guidance on age. I, personally, know some children that act much more like young adults than children. That being said, I know some young adults that act much more like children than young adults. I would base my decision on when to give them the information when you believe they are ready. Let them know that you want them to know, you just need to make tough decisions sometimes they may not understand. But you will give them the information soon. If you talk with your child and state that on a preset date (say 6 months from now) you will re-evaluate everything to see if she is ready. DO NOT use this as a get out of jail card. This is if you honestly feel that she is not ready. With or without you, eventually she will find what she is looking for. Isn't it better that she finds it with you?

On a side note, if there is no “we” in your life, have someone represent the missing party. Your father, grandfather, uncle… someone of opposite sex who you trust helping in personal situations like this. It would also be best that it is someone your daughter has mutual respect for. There is more than likely going to be some bitterness from your child when she is told that she is not ready for whatever reason. You are going to want to try to offer her some comfort. Her knowing that you did not say no forever, just for a little while longer will help.

I am, by no means, a counselor or anything more than a person who has learned through his, and others, mistakes. Please, pray on this and any information that people offer. Don't make rash decisions, rather allow the decision to be that of a responsible one. Children learn 10% by what we say, they learn 90% by what we do...



Your brother in Christ,
Rodney C



36 then hear in heaven, and forgive the sin of Your servants, Your people Israel, that You may teach them the good way in which they should walk; and send rain on Your land which You have given to Your people as an inheritance.
1 Kings 8:36

Answer 7

I was adopted, also. I was old enough to remember bits and pieces about my birth parents so was always asking questions. My adopted parents answered these questions honestly and knowing that me and my siblings were taken out of the home by the state and possible abuse discouraged me from pursuing a relationship with my birth parents while growing up.

As a parent myself, I can understand you wanting to protect your child but, it would be better for her to hear about her birth parents from someone who loves her than finding out on her own. Hope this helps! There are also adoption chat rooms you can go to for support and help answering the "tough" questions of whether to tell or not. On Yahoo they are listed under the family/friends category.

Answer 8

As an adoptee, I had to answer. She has a right to know and I think 13 is a good age to give her the info she wants. She is just curious about where she came from. A piece of advice, don't bad mouth her biological parents. That will probably anger her. I know it will be hard for you knowing that she is interested in getting to know them, but you will look much better in her eyes if you are honest and forthcoming. Remember, you will always be her parents. I don't feel any less different with my adoptive parents. They raised me and I consider them mom and dad. Good Luck.

Answer 9

I am 17 I was adopted to bnecause my parents were into drugs and my dad was an alcoholic too. try to be understanding toward her feeling that she needs to find them these are very normal feelings when you are adopted especially if your parents gave you away because they were drugies and couldnt keep you it makes you miss them even more so tell her all the info you know she is hungry for information about them let her do what she wants to Im planning to look for my mom when I turn 18 in a few months cant wait!!

Answer 10

At 13, she is not a baby anymore. Unless you want her to find out about her biological parents WITHOUT your support (which she will surely need, once she finds out about them and their situations), then, your only option is to be honest with her now.

My mother and father divorced when I was 9. My father - and his entire family - "vanished" from the face of the planet. My sister and I never heard a word from any of them, ever. My mother never said anything bad, but, she also never said, "If you want to find your father, I will help you". It wasn't until I was in my 40's that I decided to try and find my father. I had so many unanswered questions. My mom had died, and there was no one to ask all the "why" questions. I finally tracked down his social security number....only to be told by a rather teary-eyed social security supervisor that my father had died the previous year. Talk about tragic. It took me a long time to reconcile THAT mess. To this day, I have no answers to any of my questions. I almost resent my mother (may she rest in peace) for not making my father's whereabouts available to me, decades sooner. It should have been MY choice as to whether or not to have (or try to have) a relationship with the man.

My point is - you cannot prevent your daughter from finding out about her biological parents, and it would be far better for her if she were to do so with you by her side.

This is tough, on both of you, but can only be tougher if she has to go it alone. Her parents have screwed up big time, but that doesn't mean that your daughter should not at least have the opportunity to know them, and about them, to have her questions answered. I sort of view it as her right.