How was the first year with getting used to all the kids and all the changes? Trying to figure out how to deal with my wife’s daughter who we have on a full time basis and my 2 kids part time, trying to adjust to getting everything done now that there’s 5 of us, accepting that she won’t love my kids like I do and vice versa (even though we do love them all), accepting that her family raised her daughter and now they need to back off and let it be just us, her accepting my ex. wife issues, and us in general changing our independent single mindsets that we’ve had for the last few years. It’s really challenging and sometimes I feel like giving up and saying it’s too hard but it’s going to be like this with anybody and the fact is we do love each other we’re just stressed out with all these changes. How do we get it all to work and accept everything before we kill each other or divorce? It would be terrible if we split not only for the kids but because we do love each other. It’s just incredible hard.
2007-01-30 01:44:34 · 7 answers · asked by golf4everdude 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Like any parent, You have to stand together on anything that concerns the kids. You should discuss everything between the two of you then take it to the kids.Step parents are as important as a parent
2007-01-30 06:10:30 · answer #1 · answered by abby normal 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Blended families can be very trying and hard to adjust to expecially for the kids... Whatever you do do not let the children drive a wedge between you and your spuse.... Talk with your wife and set ground rules to set for all the children and agree upon them before going to the kids about it.... BE a united front at all times in front of the children... This is the key.... You both have to work together to raise your kids.... There are alot of blended families that attend my church and this is what we do and how we feel.... Also go to the sites below and email them and ask them this... I am sure they will be a big help to you! I wish you the best. I understand why this is so hard but you need to resolve with your wife to work on this with her through the hard times and work out a strategy that you both can agree to and stick by it no matter what and if the kids dont like it too bad and DO NOT let them come between you and your wife! If you need marriage counseling for it then go and get help and you also might want to go to family counseling as well if need be... You can call a local church and see if they have any ideas or help available as well. Over time you will love each others kids the way that you love your own.. This takes time and a BIG heart:) I hope and pray that things get better for you and your situation soon and that your marriage stays strong and succesful through it all! Hugs to all of you today.
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
2007-01-30 10:30:04 · answer #2 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I got married one year ago and we both have a daughter from previous marriages.It has been very touch.My daughter lives with her dad and his daughter lives with her mom.So they both come to our house on the same weekend.Our issues were don't treat one child different from the other.I would get very angry if i saw that he was disciplining my child and not his.We got in major fights over that well we just sat down while kids were not around and told each other what we expect as far as discipline and if that couldn't be accomplished this wasn't going to work and just like you said we love each other very much and it just didn't seem worth getting divorced over when we could just be patient and work through it.Its still frustrating after a year,I don't love his daughter and will never but i accept it I have no choice because i love him.Your wife will probably never love your kids the way she does her own but as long as she accepts them and doesn't treat them badly then let it go.These are the facts in a blended family step parents rarely love their step children or get along with them,the bio parents always resent that fact.My husband and I have a baby girl together which brought our family closer together and made things with our kids better.All i can say is don't give up because you both have kids just try and get along and be happy together I know its hard but if you try you can work it out.As far as your wife accepting your ex wife that will never happen either,just keep your converstions with your ex to a minimum out of respect to your wife.Thats the key don't speak to her unless about the kids and don't have long conversations with her.All of this can work out if you try.
2007-01-30 10:33:47 · answer #3 · answered by samwise25 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm concerned about some of the answers you are getting in that people aren't loving their stepchildren. I have been married for 5 1/2 years to a man with a daughter (she's 12), and I love her as she is my own. She is my daughter. Yes, she has a bio mom, and she lives with her BM, but she is my kid too. I have a newborn now, and there is no difference in the way I feel about the two of them. I feel an equal obligation in raising and nurturing them. When it comes to disciplining my SD, I can feel completely confident in it because 1.) I know how my husband would do it if he were present and 2.) I know that he will back me up 100% because HE sees no difference in he and I being her parents. Stop thinking of the kids as his and hers, and start thinking of them as yours.
I've also been through the other family thing, because before we married, my inlaws were a large part of my SD's life. I just continually had to say, we are her parents (wow, what a thunderstorm that created) and that is that. There were fights when my inlaws did what they wanted instead of what we wanted, but overall, you have to remember that it is the parent's relationship with the kids that is most important, not the grandparents.
Our relationship with BM is awful... my husband makes the decisions about how to deal with her, and I carry them out, generally. She refuses all but emergency phone conversation, so I manage emails, request days to see SD, etc., and make suggestions to my husband, and he tells me what he wants to do. There is no way for me to back out of dealing with her, because my SD is my kid too, and since I care about her and her well-being, I need to be involved in the dealings with her BM.
I would caution you against accepting that your wife won't love your kids like you do, and vice versa. If you do, you are letting those children down.
My advice is to re-evaluate these issues and understand that you are not a blended family, you are just family. When you put the obstacles out of your mind, you'll find that you are simply able to raise the kids.
2007-01-30 10:47:12 · answer #4 · answered by Lisa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to sit down and and decide what rules you want for your household. That means you have to be on the same page about how to raise the kids. Rules and punishments need to be consistent. This way you can correct her child ( and visa versa ) and not make her angry since that is what she would have done. The family needs to back off and she needs to see that that is done. She should not have to deal with your ex, she is your problem. It's hard but it can be done. Good luck.
2007-01-30 09:56:14 · answer #5 · answered by kitkat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been through it and come out on the other side with my sanity still intact, (I think). If you really love each other then it is worth it. Contact me if you think my experience could help you at all.
2007-01-30 09:56:27 · answer #6 · answered by gtahvfaith 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm going threw the same thing, hang in there and every thing will work out fine. Trust me.
2007-01-30 10:02:19 · answer #7 · answered by shonnie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋