My wife and I got married and combined households. We had our own way of doing things but now that there’s 5 of us, things don’t work anymore. The house is a mess and we can’t seem to get it together to get things done. My wife seems to keep holding on to the way she used to do things and it doesn’t work now that she has a husband and some more kids. She’s getting frustrated and resentful I think of all the work involved being married and is fighting changing her ways. Every time I ask her to think about ways we could do things better she gets defensive and doesn’t even want to talk about how things could be better. She says she’s sick of me preaching to her like her father. However if she would work with me, I wouldn’t preach! Then when I try to take charge and say OK these things need to get done, she doesn’t like me taking charge even though she knows things have to get done. I’m thinking of just writing down everything that needs to be done and dividing them up and saying OK you do this each week and I do these things. I think it’s the only way things are going to get done. It’s like she’s resisting changing her ways and she refuses to accept things are harder when you get married. How can I get her to change her ways without being overbearing? Anybody else go through this power struggle and how did you work better as a team?
2007-01-30 00:16:57 · 18 answers · asked by golf4everdude 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Try meeting her halfway. And if things aren't done YOUR way, so what? Accept it .
2007-01-30 00:21:52 · answer #1 · answered by Jed 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I was always raised that a woman's place is in the house, but that's me. Some women are set on things done a certain way because that's the way things were done as they were growing up. I think the list is a great idea. If she is a stay-at-home mother, than yes I believe she should have things done, no matter how she does it. If she works like you do, outside the house, then dividing things up and sitting down and talking about who does what, should work out just fine. I know it is very frusterating for both of you but you need to meet her at some point on the way she does things also. Marriage is all about communication and acceptance. You have to accept the things that she does differently and visa versa.
2007-01-30 01:08:03 · answer #2 · answered by lessard_family 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We aren't married yet, but we are currently living together and with a combined household (my 2 kids, his one). We power struggled our way into an almost break-up. Daily we struggle to not yell, scream, hoop or holler at eachother, but at the end of the day things get done, kids are fed and happy, and we go to bed without being mad. How? I relent and so does he. We are both older and definitely set in our ways, plus with us both coming from divorced relationships, it made it even harder for us.
You can't ask her to change, nor can she expect you to change. I'd say the best you can do at this point, is put all kids in bed, sit her down and ask her How she wants things done, and what you can do to help her. As for you taking charge, if that's what needs to be done to clean the house, feed the kids, and maintain order, then do so. Sometimes you just have to take charge and let the other person "get over it" if there's nothing getting done in a timely fashion. Sounds like she was always stifled by her ex's and she doesn't want you doing the same thing.
Tough love!! And that goes for wife's and husband's too. If she won't meet you 1/2 way, then tell her to back off and let you get things done. Time for her to grow up (sorry for sounding harsh, but she does sound childish) and time for you to take a stand. If not, she'll push you around until you hate her and she'll hate you for being a 'pussy'.
2007-01-30 00:34:24 · answer #3 · answered by GirlinNB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are being overbearing. Marriage isn't a power struggle. This woman is your partner and deserves to be treated like one. Think about if you had a male partner in business. How would you make decisions with that person? How would you resolve conflict? Your wife deserves at least that level of respect. Go to her and apologize for the way you've been behaving. Outline the problems that you have noticed and ask her to work with you on a solution. Collaborate with her, listen to her suggestions and opinions, and weigh them on their merits. Be ready to compromise and accept that there is more than one right way to do something. If you both can agree on even one or two key strategies, you'll butt heads a lot less. Keep the conversation calm and keep emotion out of it. That's how you operate as a team.
2007-01-30 05:29:35 · answer #4 · answered by gafpromise 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Come on people...that's what is wrong with marriages now. I can't remember a time when women want to be taken care of and treated right but don't want to do anything themselves. It seems he is trying to solve a problem and he is getting resistance at every turn. It seems she wants to do what she has always done and not face the fact that things are not the way they always were. It would also seem that you guys didn't talk these things out before you got married. Marriage is so much more than meeting someone you love and trust and putting a ring on their finger. You have to prepare for things to come. You know get a plan for those things that are gonna change. It seems that you guys just gotta sit down and hash things out. Yeah you gonna get frustrated and maybe even angry but realize that this has to be done. Either work things out or look forward to misery. So tell her that you don't expect her to do everything and that you are willing to help but we have got to work together to figure out a way for things to run more smoothly. Try not to make it personal. It seems she maybe receiving it that way.
Good Luck
2007-01-30 00:56:39 · answer #5 · answered by Wordsmith 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two words stick out here - "power struggle" that is what you both are involved in. Marriage isn't about power, it's about making compromises and working as a team from the beginning. I think there are some deeper issues here and the two of you would benefit from the services of a couple counselor. Things not getting done is really only a symptom of a deeper issue in the relationship. You talk about her "changing her ways" to what? To your way of thinking and doing things? When the two of you married and blended your families, you created something new. So your partnership and how you work together needs to be something new as well. If you want her to change to what you think she should do, then you are creating the power struggle in which she has no say. Ask yourself why it is that this is so important to you? Why is it so important that these things change and they change to your satisfaction? You knew what her habits were before you married her, did you think that would change? I don't mean to lecture, I just want you to try to look to your own inner issues to get to the bottom of it. Good luck to you.
2007-01-30 00:37:53 · answer #6 · answered by Mary W 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well you are being pretty vague. Are we talking about cleaning, paying bills, taking care of the kids? How old are the kids?
Chores are easy. Assign chores to any child 8 or older. If you or your wife don't like the way the do them have teach them the right way to clean.
As for how to not go through the power struggle? Don't turn it into one. Instead of telling her how it needs to be done, ask her what you can do to help. This should lead to open discussion. Make suggestions and listen to hers. The only way to turn this into a team effort is to make certain everyone is equal.
2007-01-30 00:23:36 · answer #7 · answered by Richard Bricker 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If your recently married then it may take awhile to find your groove, your wife has a lot of adjusting to with new husband, home etc... a disorganized house may not be first of her priorities. Also, pitch in and help, if the kids are old enough to help as well, give them chores. Believe it or not, all wives and mothers are not perfect housekeepers or cooks, etc...
2007-01-30 01:26:12 · answer #8 · answered by Sweetheart 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a good idea about writing and dividing the chores.My husband & I are a team and we share all the responsibilities equally.Honestly it does not sound like your wife has a clue as to what marriage is all about it is supposed to be a partnership and you may not beable to change her because she sound's as though she is set in her ways.Good Luck to you.
2007-01-30 01:21:59 · answer #9 · answered by Maureen B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that a chore schedule will work wonders. Divide it as equally as possible bearing in mind the children's ages. You might want to remind your wife that a successful marriage involves COMPROMISE. Keep up the good work!!
2007-01-30 01:25:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
combining 2 households takes time and a lot of work. stop nagging her and give her some time to find her nitch, and find what works the best for everyone. while you are waiting, do what you can to help out. without nagging at her. just take care of stuff and keep your yap shut. you shouldn't be having a power struggle
no one should be in power over the other one.
2007-01-30 00:31:37 · answer #11 · answered by Kismitt 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋