Hi I am in my mid 20's and have been married for 4 years, I have a 10 year old son from a previous partner but now calls my husband Dad. (he still sees his real father).
My relationship with my husband has been pretty bad from the start, he is terrible with money and has got me in serious debt, he has no respect for me and talks down to me all the time, im not allowed to answer back if were having an argument and when he decides its over I have to forget the whole thing without an apology even though I deserve one. I have no friends any more as he doesn’t like me going out without him and gets jealous even of my friendships, the 2 friends I do have (live at the other side of the country) they absolutely hate him and say he is a control freak, his family have also told me that and told me he would never change.
He barely speaks to my son and even though i believe he loves him every argument we have he tells me he hates him and he’s a little ****, if he is naughty then i get the blame.
Any way despite his faults I do love him, I have wanted to leave a million times but I love him and cant.
Since Christmas though I have been having an affair with his brother, I know it is wrong but he is the complete opposite to my husband so kind and loving and treats me with respect, I have always had a thing for him and he for me but I never would have done anything (im not a cheater) but It just happened and I cant stop it, the sex is fantastic i never thought it could be so good its just amazing and I think i am falling in love with him and him for me I would definitely be with him forever, but he cannot give me any security he has nothing, where as now I have my own home car money, perfect job etc I know what I am doing is wrong but every time I try to stop it I just crumble I cant bear to be away from him, but I love my hubbie and would never want to hurt him despite what he has done he does love me.
please help x
2007-01-29
23:36:38
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46 answers
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asked by
Shannon
1
in
Family & Relationships
➔ Marriage & Divorce
material things dont bother me, I was in serious debt but i have gradually pulled my self out of it, I dont wanna walk away for everything I have worked hard for, if i leave i leave with nothing he will make sure of that
2007-01-30
00:07:35 ·
update #1
OK,
first its pointless staying with someone who makes you feel worthless and treats you that's way. If you are unhappy with eh way he treats you then you are ruining your life and that of your son's. Kids pick up on everything you know, even if they don't let on.
Second I do not believe you love him as much as you say. I think you are just in denial. You believe things could get better if you hang around.
Third, sorry babe but you are a cheater. You are having a relationship with another man. That is cheating.
Fourth, why are you staying with your husband. It seems you love your possessions a lot. If you are with someone you love you would not care if you are homeless on the street as long as you have each other.
My husband and I do not have much. We are in a council house because he was made redundant from a nice job that came with a nice home and no bills to pay. Cushy lifestyle. Now he has a job that pays the same but a home with rent and bills to pay and two children to feed and clothe. we struggle but we have each other and love each other!!That's what matters. Who cares about security.
Last but not least, leave your husband. You are not happy, your husband is clearly not happy and I feel you will all be better off apart. Speak to your son. Ask him if he is happy. And make a new life.
Hope things work out for you.
2007-01-30 00:03:18
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answer #1
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answered by Anonymous
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Oh honey, the real reason you can't leave husband is because he has controlled every part of your life for a long time now, and you've been made to always ask his permission. Hes therefore taken away all self confidence, and you can't find the strength to walk away. And, like you say, you still love him. You are clearly a kind hearted woman who cannot bare the thought of hurting someone, and would rather be miserable instead. So, you've turned to the brother, hardly a suprise. He makes you feel good, and you need that. I'd advise against leaving hubby for his brother though. When you find the strength walk away from Hubby, start again, you'll still have a good job and your son. And just date the brother, until the storm has calmed and you can be together. May take years, but if you really want something and you are prepared to wait for it, you will get it. Good luck.
2007-01-30 00:26:17
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answer #2
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answered by Chickette 2
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What a mess - first thing you need to do is stop the affair and sort your marriage out - if you loved you husband (god knows why) then you wouldn't have had an affair - accept that the marriage is over and your husband is a pig - then when the marriage has been dealt with that is the time to consider meeting someone else. You are cheating on him so yes that does make you a cheater - don't blame your husband for pushing you into it because you make your own choices - personally I think you are as bad as each other - if a man treated me like that I wouldn't hang around but if a man spoke of my kid in that way he would have been history a long time ago
2007-01-29 23:48:43
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answer #3
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answered by Anonymous
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If you are searching for information about how to stop cheating on your spouse , you are already in a highly receptive frame of mind where you very much want to change the way you behave. Obviously certain 'things' have been happening in your life and mind, which have prompted you to search for life changing information. Understand triggers to help bring a sense of control over your choices. Just understanding why a behavior occurs isn't always enough to make it stop. Examine your values and decide whether or not cheating is consistent with your values. Consider your options, and ask yourself, "Are your reasons for cheating worth treating your partner with disrespect?" Assess your relationships to determine areas that are lacking in intimacy. This may reveal unmet needs. As you discover needs that are not satisfied, it will become important to honestly express your feelings and emotions. Take the time to clarify your values and decide what is the healthiest choice for you. If you decide cheating is not the healthiest choice, take steps to end any outside relationship in a respectful manner. Make a decision to either faithfully stay in your relationship or end it respectfully. Honestly look at whether revealing the cheating behavior is more for your benefit than for you partner's sake. Hurting the other person will not stop your cheating behavior.
2016-03-29 09:31:10
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answer #4
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answered by Anonymous
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Your question is so full of contradictions it's hard to tell what's real and what isn't. First you say how awful your husband is with money and then you say you have all of these things and money, along with the perfect job! You say you're not a cheater,but, oh yeah you are. You're not just cheating on your husband, you're deceiving him with his brother for heavens sake! You're going to blow this whole family apart when everyone finds out. You will get most of the blame, too. It doesn't sound to me like you love anyone in this whole mess very much. If you did you wouldn't be cheating with anyone let alone a family member. It seems like this is a revenge thing. What in the world would hit your husband harder than doing his brother? You should end the affair today and go get some couselling. You've got one huge mess here and it's going to blow up in your face!
2007-01-29 23:58:54
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answer #5
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answered by mjm52 4
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Well, were do I start!
First of all your husband is a low life, who doesn't deserve anybody calling him 'Dad'. It's not surprising that due to the way you are treated you have found comfort in the only person who is treating you nice and paying you some attention. But you are playing with fire. If you are caught not only will you cause a massive family bust up, but you will also be seen by your son as the one who took his father figure away for the second time! Due to you not being able to keep your hands to yourself. First of all you need to call it off with the brother. I know this is probably easier said than done, due to him being the only one giving you any self worth. But you have to do it for your son. Men DO NOT RULE THE WORLD you don't have to have a man in your life to carry on living. You have a boy that NEEDS you not just a man that wants you. Come to your senses, tell the brother it's over and don't let yourself be alone with him. Even if it means spending more time with your son away from the brother. Then tell your husband you want to go and see someone about your marriage. If he doesn't stop flying off the handle and doesn't sort things out with your son, then something is going to have to give. Tell him you've had enough and he is pushing you away. His brother can not provide for you and your child, you have no future together!!! If you like a nice house, car and job, the brother isn't going to be able to give you these things. He probably likes living his life in the danger zone and gets a bit of a buzz out of knocking his brothers wife off.
Patch it up or pack it in - you decide.
But it's not just your life your messing up. Child abuse in not just about sexual or physical abuse. Children who have to listen to parents verbally abusing each other are also suffering child abuse and can be taken away by Social Services. Remember this when the pooh hits the fan and your husband finds out!!!!!!!!!
Good Luck - Your going to need it ;-)
2007-01-30 10:50:59
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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First of all, I dont agree with cheating, but I completly understand where you are coming from. On one hand, you have everything you need, but not want with your husband. I know this is a very touchy subject with a lot of ppl. On the other hand, you have love and great sex, and he makes you feel like you are a very worthy person. Which in any relationship, should be present before you even consider marriage. So I have to ask, why did you marry a man to begin with that treats you so poorly? Maybe it was great in the beginning? I understand that. I understand the need for compassion and warmth and maybe a little tenderness...... So, what I am getting at is. If you know it's wrong, then stop.....You never know what your husband could do to his own brother, possibly even kill him for banging his wife. So, I would say make your choice and stick with it. You cant have your cake and eat it to, not in this life anyways. GL
2007-01-30 00:06:12
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answer #7
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answered by Anonymous
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You need to divorse your husband! I don't get this I love him and can't leave him stuff! He sounds like a Tw*t! Even if you do love him I am sure you love your child more, and it can''t be good for your child to be in that situation. If I were youo I would move out, get a divorse and try to stay clear of the family completely. If you are in Love with his brother then you might stay with him, but it will be rather difficult! Best to leave well alone! Believe it or not there are some really nice guys out there that are not brothers of your husband! You probably deserve one of those. After your divorse then join clubs or do an evening course or something. That will get you out of the house and meeting new people. Take it slowly.
2007-01-29 23:49:48
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answer #8
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answered by Dunk 3
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The way you talk about your husband you don't love him. You haven't said one good thing about him. His brother is most likely like the husband but he is getting his so he is being nice. You husband was nice before you married him? The acorn don't fall too far from the tree.
Time to tell your husband you have had enough of him and engage a lawyer. If you leave him you keep the job and if you let him have the trailer you should get the car. That's fair.
Another piece of advice, you know the type of guy that is your type? No he isn't!!!
2007-01-30 00:28:51
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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You say you are not a cheater. But you are cheating. One thing that's definately going to happen is your husband is going to find out about you having an affair with his brother.
When this happens you are going to be history so fast it will make your head spin. Believe me it's going to come out and when it does all heck is going to break loose in this entire family.
You will be blamed by your husbands family for this having happened. You can bet you'll not be welcome by any family member cause even if you end up with hubbies brother it won't last because blood is thicker than water and family normally sticks together through all things.
You best be socking away the cash (hiding) it, cause you will need it once this affair is found out. You'll need the money to start a new life somewhere. Cause your hubby is going to get everything in a divorce situation.
2007-01-30 00:06:19
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answer #10
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answered by michael_trussell 4
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