Please read my poem. It's for a school project and constructive criticism is needed!?

Question

A teardrop falls,
From a new widow's eyes,
As she tries to figure out,
How she's going to live without her husband.
She can't give up, Because to her little girl,
She's now Mommy and Daddy.

As her husband fought for his life,
He thought about how they would survive,
If he were to die.
So he wrote them both letters,
Of what he thought the end might be like.

To his baby girl he wrote,
"When I die I'll go to heaven,
and watch over you.
The only pain I'll feel is missing you,
So please don't cry,
Just know Daddy's going to a wonderful place,
Where he'll get to meet Jesus,
Face to face.
I'll see you again someday,
But until then I'll think of you everyday."

To his wife he wrote something entirely different,
"When I die where will I go?
I seem to have lost my faith in heaven and God,
Because he's taking me away from you.
Will he be there to meet me at those pearly gates,
Or will I just wait n endless space?
My belief in God has always been strong,
But what if I've been wrong?"

Though he did not know it then,
He wrote those letters in that way,
He son figured out why his mind had worked in the manner.

If he had told his little girl of his fears of death,
She might lose her faith in Him,
And might start to fear her own end.
He told his wife of them however,
Because he knew she knew God is forever.

As this new-found widow,
Read her letter,
She found her faith was stronger than ever.
She knew that God would lead her,
Through the toughest times without him,
Because her husbands last words to her were,
"I see the light that everyone speaks of,
But in my light there's something special.
God's hand is here to take me home,
Because it the end of my life here on earth,
But the beginning of the one that we will share together,
When you join me in the land of forever."

Some of you might notice that I've posted this a couple times and I have but not to be annoying! I'm just trying to get as many opinions as possible! Thanks for all your help!

Answer 1

OOooooh I like it^^ It really shows depth of thinking! But (if I may) here are some things that I didn't like, grammar-wise:

"How she's going to live without her husband" - Try to avoid "going to". Maybe something like: "How she will live..." (and try for no contractions!)

Sometimes, the simplest words really convey the most meaning. Remember, most of the Gettysburg Address is really to the point and uses short words (5 letters or less, I think... forgot the exact statistic)

This selection:

"Though he did not know it then,
He wrote those letters in that way,
He so(o)n figured out why his mind had worked in the manner."

could be clarified a bit more. (but then again, I could just be thick^^) You could lead into the explanation of the letters in a different way; I'm not sure this is the clearest way to go.


And in: "Because he knew she knew God is forever." ... he knew she knew that he knows that she knows that... ^^ Maybe word this one a bit differently too. It's a beautiful poem, but that made it sound a bit comical.

And finally, in this selection:

"God's hand is here to take me home,
Because it (is) the end of my life here on earth,
But the beginning of the one that we will share together,
When you join me in the land of forever."

I'd add "also" in, to say
"But also the beginning..." to make a clearer transition.

Answer 2

Well, direct and good poem. something that takes not much of time to comprehend the poem.Its unique because its original.
Note errors,Or will I just wait n endless space?-whats the n.He son figured out why his mind had worked in the manner.soon not son. That's all ,i don't take lit.

Answer 3

your poem is good, but very wordy. it could stand to be shortened a bit, and add a bit more rhyme to it. being a poet myself, i had the same problem at first. your poem should be no more than 80 characters. what i mean by that is no more than 80 words in the entire poem. being as long as it is, 5 lines per paragraph would be sufficent. but definitely shorten it and add more rhyme. i hope this helps you out, and good luck!!

Answer 4

It is a greqat poem. It really does make you feel sad. One thging though, NEVER put your work on the internet without a copyright. I bet someone stole it already.

Answer 5

well it;s sounds more like personal tragedy
than a poem.

Answer 6

well its really good.you got great rhymes too

Answer 7

great.