Sweet Guy, but I Like Girls... and What Do I Tell Mom and Dad?

Question

I recently lost my virginity to my boyfriend (we're both 17), but things haven't been great since. To be honest, things were getting hectic before that. We've been going out for 2 years, and it felt right at the time, but it wasn't a good idea. Our relationship trouble sort of started with my growing interest in girls. I mean, he's understanding and all, but my family isn't. They're strict homophobes, and I guess I've been trying to convince myself that I was fine *not* exploring the same gender. Well, it wasn't working, so I figured it must be the fact that I'd never been with a guy, right? Wrong. Might I add that it was clumsy and uncomfortable, but I suppose that's what one should expect from a first time. Anyways, I have 2 dilemas: How do I break up with him? And what do I tell my parents? I don't mind lying to them, but I can't stand to continue lying to my bf. He doesn't deserve this drama I'm putting him through.

Answer 1

My gut reaction - don't rush to tell your parents of any sexuality facts - unless you believe that you'll get the love and support that you need.

And your bf - be honest and explore what options there are, ending, non-sexual relationship, etc. Your needs come first though, for yourself. I would say the same to him.

And you're right, for most of us, whatever the sexuality, 1st time experiences have awkwardness. Sounds like any future partners would be best selected for their compassion and understanding. And play Safe as you can.

We have this crazy insistence in our modern culture on using labels for ourselves. Labels create boundaries which often limit us. It would probably be a good idea to talk things through with someone who has no vested interest in your moving one way or the other - in fact, any way. Parents, bf and possibly friends may all have that.

Do we ever know who we really are? Probably not, and sexual behaviour is just that, behaviour. For many of us, we take some time to come to grips with stuff that is complex or not fully aligned with what society, religion or our upbringing has told us to do.

'Coming out' often brings issues that might not be as easy as just dealing with the here and now. You don't seem to have anything definite to proclaim, other than that you're at a hard point in life, just starting to explore loving and sexual relationships - with the hidden pressures on what these may mean about your future life, as well as conflicting with the values of significant people to you - your parents.

Take time to reflect and understand and get any support that you can, especially if it is likely to make things easier for you, whilst you do that.

Good luck.
Rob

Answer 2

Well Dear,

Don't worry right now. You are 17 and you are still in search of your sexuality. It is ok to explore you feelings. Talk to your bf and explain that you want to experiment. But only if you think he will understand. If not confide in a close friend. A friend may be having the same feelings. Sometimes we have these feelings after our first sexual experience. It is normal to feel unsure. Don’t discuss this with your parents at this time. It may be just a phase you are going through. Give yourself time and let things happen naturally. You will find out your true feelings in due time. You are still young and life is a whirl wind, college, friends, possible work, and just plain becoming an adult. Life is hard enough without the confusion of your sexuality. Just relax and be yourself.

Answer 3

You have attracted a lot of advice, but I have known many gays, lesbians and bi-sexuals, and I am sure my advice is the best!

1) Gently tell your boyfriend why you don't feel a sexual relationship can continue with him. He deserves to know the truth, and, as you obviously still do care for him, perhaps you can keep the friendship with him. You two can continue to enjoy a very supportive and loving friendship without sex interfering, you know?

2) I don't think you need to explain anything at all to your parents, as it is your life and none of their business what you think or do. You would not want to know all the details of their lives, so why would/should they need the details of yours. There is plenty of mystery in everyone's lives, we don't need to spell out all the intimate details to anyone, but keep them strictly for ourselves or for one or two very close friends in whom we have complete confidence.
You must have that confidence in your bf, and if you tell him about your lesbian feelings, it might reassure him that it is not HIM that's the problem, but your own ambiguous feelings.
You can always come out to your parents one day in the future, when you are with a girl, or moving out, if you choose to.

If you need to explain to your parents why you and your boyfriend are breaking up, you can simply say you decided, both of you, that it was better to just stay friends and not let things get too serious while you are still so young.
If your parents love and respect you, they must also respect your privacy, and it sounds as if you are too young to have your privacy invaded by anyone.

Take things slowly and gently, and in the next years explore your own feelings for girls and boys, by treating each new friend or lover as a "person" and not a man or a woman. That, in the end, is the best way. We are all people....i.e. human-beings, and not everyone falls or should fall into the category of "Man", or "Woman" or even "Bisexual". That person who advised you that your feelings might change in a month or a year, is so right. One of the beautiful things about being a human being is that you can live many different lives over the years....it will depend entirely on the PERSON you meet, and the feelings you have for them.
I hope you can work it all out without too much angst as it sounds like you are a sweet person, who really cares about your boyfriend's feelings. If he loves you, he will understand and will always be grateful that you were honest with him, Good luck!

Answer 4

My opinion is that you need to be honest with everyone, although I know that is way easier said than done.

I have to say that at 17 you may not be on a course for one sex or the other yet...you may be lesbian, you may be bi-sexual, and you may change your mind in several years-or next month! At your age experimenting is normal, and leaning one way or the other for a while is too. If you have truly preferred girls for a long time, like several years, then I would be more inclined to tell people. If you are still not sure, and want to try relationships and/or sex with girls first, I would do that before making any big announcements. Having sex for the first time, with a girl or a boy, is usually awkward, so that alone doen't hold much water. But you know who you are attracted to, just know that at your age it could change.

If you are VERY sure that you are strictly into girls, like the kind of thing you have really known for many years, it may be time to tell your parents. Your parents may not be as freaked out as you think they will, and even if they are, you are almost an adult and it may be time to clue them in. If you truly believe they will throw you out onto the steet and are unprepared to live on your own, then you may want to wait until you are out of the house. But I would make sure that YOU are sure before you tell them.

As for your boyfriend though, I would get that taken care of asap. Relationships built on lies, even if they did not start that way, are always bad-for you and for him. Get the truth out there, but let him know that your feelings have changed gradually over time and try and let him know that it wasn't anything that he did...he didn't make you gay (or bi). Even if you are not sure, if you do not feel comfortable in the relationship, you should get out of it.

Experiment with whomever you are comfortable with (but be safe, lol) and see where it takes you. Again-at 17 (or even at 30) your sexuality can change. For some people I believe it is set at birth, but for some it is a trial and error thing, or a "I love who I love" thing, regardless of their sex. Be yourself and good luck.

Answer 5

I think you should just tell your boyfriend the truth that you like girls. You said he was understanding plus you can't expect him to still hang on to you when your mind is elsewhere, that's not fair. You can tell him that both of you can still be friends.
As for you parents, I don't think you have to tell them point blank at least not just yet. I have a friend who had gone through the same thing, his dad would not talk to him for months when he came out, but his dad eventually accepted him with time. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 6

Tell your boyfriend that you just cant continue lying to yourself or him, you dont think that the relationship is going to work. Just be open and honest with him. As far as your parents go. . I havent told my parents yet either, but I throw hints at them. As homophobic as you may think they are, they are still your parents and if the loved you before they will continue loving you. Its the lifestyle the dont like, not you...... Good luck!

Answer 7

Your first concern is to be honest with yourself. Only then can you be opened and frank with others. Secondly, it appears that the problem with your boyfriend was already in play, prior to sex. Often the first sex encounter can be clumsy and uncomfortable; its a learning experience. In regards to your family; I often recommend people at your age not involved them in your sexual encounters. Basically; it would be wise to share when you are financially independent and emotionally ready to deal with any negativity that may develop. Right now isn't that time. One more thing; be gentle, kind and use tact with your boyfriend; he could be an alley or enemy; your choice.

Answer 8

i kinda like having the same situation like yours. i have a bf and been dating him for 7 years. he's like your bf, understanding and all. i thought he's the one and actually wanted to get married with him but things did change. i was never ever into girls until i met someone. turned out that she tend to love me the way i want to. my family too are strict, religous, homophobes. well, i'm still not sure if im gay or what 'coz i don't look for other girls. i just like the one i met. anyway, this is what i did for now... i opened up on my bf what i feel about our relationship, that i feel it's not working out anymore. then told him the truth that i met someone. (just to give him some hint but didn't elaborated it). dont break up til your sure. but if you really dont love him anymore, just tell him that. that you don't have the same feelings you used to have to for him. for the family, i don't plan to tell anything about what's going on in me, for now. i know time will come when im sure about myself. if you feel different, it still a better way to be discreet in some way just to protect yourself.

your bf will be alright once he hear your honest side. it is better to tell the truth so he wont feel betrayed in the end. but choose what you say so it will not be put against you.

good luck!

Answer 9

Tell your bf just what you've told us-- that you're sexuality is causing the strife in your relationship, and that he deserves to have a woman he can actually make happy. As for your parents, well... They don't HAVE to know anything. Just tell them that you've put your love life on hold for a while, so you can learn more about yourself. Tell them that you want to develop your personal values, and that having a boyfriend is just in the way. Or, just tell them that you're gay, and let them deal with their prejudice and hate on their own. That, after all, is THEIR problem.

Answer 10

one answer honey do what you want and live your life for you end it with your partner...or better yet dont actually 2yrs is a long time go experment first with girls see if its what you want...as you might change your mind the grass is not always greener on the other side and it might not be what you want...im 23 and im very curious of girls....dont go upseting your family or a boy you clearly care about...intill you are sure there is one thing fantasing about something and another doing it...

go try first if its what you really want then hon your family have to support you as that is what they are for not to dictate how you live your life

good luck and let us know how you got on take care...


additional comment

some people make me sick she is 17 and curious an abonamation to god!!! india colture......ok one keep your religious believes to yourself 2 we are not in india...3 ajay who says thats a name and not abbrevation or her name as no one can problem even pronounce your name india women....

she 17 learn how to talk to young teenagers...GOSH.....