Serious questions about having kids?

Question

my husband and I are talking about having kids. I really want to have kids, but my husband comes from a bad family background. He's got a lot of issues. He won't talk about them with me or refuses to get help. He says he's capable of dealing with it on his own. His life is better now. So he doesn't want to think about the bad times. A lot of times when we argue, he gets so angry that I can't handle it and I worry how a child would deal with it. also because of all his problems growing up he isolates himself and tries to isolate me. so I'm worried that the same will happen to our kid. Should i be worried about these things? is it okay for me to feel this way? sometimes I feel horrible that i have these feels. please help!

Answer 1

You sound like a smart woman to me . . . for being concerned. Please try to get your husband to seek counseling BEFORE you have children. They are such a precious gift, and we are responsible for protecting them. Maybe you could agree to having children in the next few years, if he will agree to getting help first.

Good luck, this maybe a difficult bridge to cross, but it does need crossing.

Answer 2

You are thinking clearly and appropriately. The first thing I want to say is, every family is dysfunctional. If you and your husband have children, you never really know how he's going to react. Having his own kids might be the best thing that ever happened to him. Every child raised in love will be a great child. If you want them to be better, then you might consider taking parental classes somewhere. Definitely couldn't hurt.

If you're still concerned about his character defects, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart. Here's a healthy method to do this.

1. Affirm your relationship - Let him know you love him just the way he is.
2. Discuss this subject - to have kids or not. Does he want to?
3. Discuss the pros & cons - 1 of those cons are his character defects, but be sure to add in some good stuff about him too.
4. Discuss the solution - If you do have kids, you need to work together to be the best possible parents.
5. Discuss the decision - Either you're going to have kids, you aren't going to have kids, or you're going or think about it.
6. Reconfirm the relationship - You love him more now than ever.

Enjoy! There's nothing better than consciously deciding together about something this important.

Answer 3

Its hard to understand what he is going through, especially if you came from a good family situation.

You did use some key statement words though. Isolate. Won't talk. Got issues. Refuses help. Gets so angry.

When you see all those written out what do you think? Probably someone who needs professional help right?

I would NOT bring a child into this world until I know my spouse has a handle on his emotional issues. Whether he was physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abused, his chances of doing it to his own children are almost 100%.

Answer 4

I know how you feel. My husband of 10 years was abandoned in a house by his birthmom and adopted into an abusive family at he age of seven. We grew up with totally different values. I loved him and have always been faithful to him. I have NEVER done anything wrong to him and he knows that. We lived together for a year, then I got pregnant withour first child and married. Everything was tolerable UNTIL the baby came. It opened up a pandora's box for him. He had nothing positive to do with me and our son after that. He became mean, angry, resentful and abusive. He ventured into hard drugs when my son became 2yrs old. While, I will give him that he has always been an unselfish provider. That is honestly the ONLY nice thing I can say about him. I ALWAYS tried getting him to talk to me, and we have tried counseling, anger management, drug treatment, twice separated, the whole nine yards with not even a little change. Now here I am sitting at a computer 10yrs later, raising two babies by myself, having kids without a faher really. He has never helped me with raising them. No diapers, no bottles, no nursing sick children, no family activities... no nothing. I still care about him but I don't love him anymore. It hurts me to see my children ignored and I can't do anything about it. My sons crave male affection and look for it in anyone else other than their dad. My husband refuses to talk about any kind of feelings and I feel totally alone. I wished I 'd known then what I know now and I would have never have brought kids into this world with this man, He used to tell me how he couldn't wait to be a dad and described in detail all the things he would do with him, I thought I had hit the jackpot with him. Your husband needs serious conceling, and you need the comfort of seeing positive changes in him before you have a child, hopfully he isn't as screwed up as my husband, but you never know.While he wasn't perfect when I met him. I had no idea what happened to him after we had children. It made the whole relationship worse. If your man has issues than you need to deal with them head on. A child is for life and there is no turning back, my husband ruined my dream of a happy traditional family, don't let yours do the same to you. You'll only grow resentful later. I have, good luck.

Answer 5

You're right to be concerned, child abuse happens from parents that have been abused as a child. Its a vicious circle and your husband needs counseling before I would attempt to have children. He has issues he cannot handle himself. The only thing I can tell you he needs help from a professional person. If he won't go, I only see a future without children if you stay with him and I would be very worried about the child if you had one with him.

Answer 6

Your husband needs to learn to communicate his feelings with you before you can introduce a child into the family. If he cannot communicate with you, then he won't be able to communicate with the child either, and the child will suffer a similar life as he has.

Answer 7

I would insist that he see a counselor, you do not want to have a child with someone you are obviously afraid cannot control his temper. Tell him you are willing to go to if that helps. Stand firm on this.

Answer 8

just because he has a bad family backround doesnt mean this will carry over to your family-----perhaps you could read some books on his issues---try and understand his coping mechanism---and we all have some kind of baggage from the past----go for it!