How do I better communicate during conflicts with my husband?

Question

For some reason I freeze up and can't really talk whenever I get in an argument with my husband. Needless to say he "wins" every argument. I guess I feel defeated. It is not just my husband though...this has happened in all my relationships (including parents and friends). Friends and family think of me as someone who cannot argue. It drives my husband nuts when I just sit there speechless and sometimes cry because it is so frustrating for me.

Answer 1

Write down your points on paper. You have probably kept it all inside and know how you feel. Just before you bring up a topic that you know will approach an argumentative state pull out you journal or paper and read it to him.

Being frustrated and not having the words come out only means that you are a careful thinker and care, you just need a different medium than words, so you cry or remain silent. Write it down. Practice it in your head and remember an argument is like a debate. It can be calm and mature; lawyers have been making and pleading their cases for centuries. Maybe once you husband hears what you have to say it won’t be an argument it can be plain old conversation.

Another idea is to actually go and see an art therapist, again using a different medium to get your frustration out so you can formulate thoughts to speech. Share the artwork on how you feel, Maybe your husband is a visual learner and would benefit from seeing your anger or hurt.

Answer 2

I am someone who is highly skilled verbally. I can win just about any argument. I've come to find this very unsatisfying, because we're supposed to be resolving things, not seeing who can verbally jest better.

Your husband 'wins', as you say. In this department.

But, lots of people are advised to wait until they calm down to engage in conversation. There's nothing wrong with needing that.

Sounds like formally structuring your conversations can help. He starts, saying: "I feel ______ about ________."
You say, "I think you are saying that you feel XXX about EEE." He'll say - "No, I feel ______ about ______." You say - "okay, I think you are saying this>>>>>"

When you both agree on what he is actually saying, then you respond. And he has to say what he thinks you're saying and then you correct it.

If that's too much, put it in writing at first.

Your husband has to realize and you need to remember that the two of you are in a pointless game if either of you is trying to 'win' an argument. All you have is problems the two of you must solve together.

You must see each other as partners, not enemies. He must get tired of fighting.

You say - 'for some reason i freeze up.' I don't think you are this lacking in self-awareness, right? What is actually happening that you 'freeze up?" What do you tell yourself in these situations that makes you freeze up?

Answer 3

Alright.. Do you at least answer him back in your mind without voicing it? If you do, then voice it out! I think you don't have much self confidence that you feel defeated EVERYTIME. Anyway, if you really never got anything to argue as you think he's right, you'd try talk to him nicely without arguing rather than just sit there and react nothing. You can try be gentle and talk to him, not necessary argue but maybe something like "can we talk nicely?", "honey, I don't want a fight." or something. Tell him what you think. If he doesn't respect that, don't give up! Keep on telling him that you don't want a fight and you hope he can talk nicely. At least it's something positive rather than no communication at all. Remember that you must communicate, not necessary responding with arguments. Learn to see what you want, and stand for it. Take care.

Answer 4

I have had the same problem It is fear. You are afraid of confrontation so you do not stand up for yourself in an argument. I suggest reading up on how to be assertive. Just because you do not like arguing does not mean you need to freeze up. You can say something like "I do not want to argue about this right now...I need to think about this." Then you can go to your own space write out what you want to say and just rehearse it a few times and say it. That is what I would do. Or else I would say...can we both talk about this when we have thought about it and when we are not angry please. If he refuses to accept that as an awnser...say "i need to leave right now, I am very uncomfertable..I will talk to you about this in a few minutes so you can collect your thoughts"

If those techniques dont work then all I can suggest is saying something like "whatever you want to be right you right, why are we arguing about this?" and then drop the subject if they keep bringing it up say "you have your opinion I have mine, drop it" or else say "can we agree to disagree?" and that might give you a comfertable feeling to speak about your point of view.

Answer 5

avoid any conflicts with your husband.
if you need 2 calm down and relax then talk 2 him.let him know that you have feelings like he does.
it makes a man feel good when he wins,but if it's all 1 sided then what has he won?if your the type of person that don't argue that don't make you an outcast.sooner or later you will explode.
i was the same way til i got divorced,then today i say what i think and feel,don't matter who's feelings i hurt,,,we're all human.
but if you can't be who you are then your husband is missing out.
god made us all different,no intention for us to be the same way.
we all have different feelings,needs,wants,etc.
what ever the situation is don't let him intimidate you.you need to be your own person.

Answer 6

each and every couple reports conflict. The artwork of conflict decision has to do with offering a manner out of the capture 22 difficulty by skill of offering "this" if the different social gathering might do "that." this is probably not so common as though looks, yet as quickly as you get into the habit, maximum conflict get resolved. greater on all this in the "source" that i want to advise.

Answer 7

Stay calm and take your time. If it makes you too nervous to look him in the eyes, bow your head slightly and concentrate on his chin or other anatomy part. (ear, nose)

It is very important that you get your feelings heard. BE STRONG!