What do you think about this poem?

Question

Well I was there, when you were torn apart.
I won't pretend to know what your going through.
Now a part of you has gone.
Everyday you wish that you could only find the strength to carry on.
I can't deny the pain that your feeling.
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope you.
You've tried so hard to make it on your own.
So hard, that your wounded heart has come undone.
Im going to try and prove to you, that only you have the power to overcome.
This world will never keep you down.
So my friend rise up; it's not the end.
Rise up my friend.
And live again.

Answer 1

Wow, that's really deep.

I think that has a lot of meaning, and it's not like other poems where it is very metaphorical, but it still has the same power.

Personally i like it, especially becuase it has a subtle structure, and it surely came from the heart, as all good poems do.

Did u write that? If so well done! It shows what a true friend must do, no matter how hard it is to accept.

Answer 2

It's a wordy. I suggest not having "well" at the beginning, and you change tenses between the first and second line. I suggest:

I was there when you were torn apart.
I won't pretend I understood.
Now a part of you is gone.

It transitions better to the present tense.

Answer 3

Your poem expresses a very similar situation with a close friend of mine. I want to show him the way to happiness but it's a path he has to find for himself. I can only be there to hold his hand and to show to him there's so much to live for. When you're at the bottom. The only other place to go is up. I like the last few lines. It's true that they can live again.

Answer 4

I personally love songs that come right from the heart, and this one just hit home. I love it. Its a wonderful song and it sounds like it came from bottom of your heart. Its a beautiful poem.

Answer 5

Sounds like its straight from the heart.

Answer 6

Good. Deep, understandable, and gripping. Keep up the good work, and don't forget to tell us when you get something published (if have not yet done so already).

Answer 7

Authentic feeling. From the heart. I like it.

Answer 8

I feel this person's pain, you give me the feeling that this person is very close to you, it is very poignant and has a sincere quality about it.

Answer 9

very well done....i'd like to share one of my own with you, it's along the same lines, may be a bit darker though....

In the ebb and flow of one’s struggles and failures, there comes a time in one’s life when the need for intervention is needed. When one continually suffers defeat with the task at hand, there comes a time for help. When those around you become dead, inactive and seemingly unaware of the ongoing destruction at hand. There comes a time to step in. Few people can conquer the immense and powerful beast called blindness when encountered in an environment of false security. One can be all alone, totally unaware of the snarling, rabid beast that lies in front of them, waiting for that one vulnerable moment to strike and kill its prey.

To prevent this, some seek shelter in the tribe, the group of those whom one holds in high regard. They entrust them with their lives and the ultimate task of being their eyes and ears for them in situations when one cannot be fully aware of his or her surroundings. But at times, even this is not enough to prove effective in preventing something horrible from occurring. Life support takes many forms, many shapes and spawns from different sources. In the case at hand, it is those I call friends and loved ones. It is these people that help me when things go wrong, when I go astray or wander off the path in front of me, but even with this added protection, one can still become prey and fall victim to the prowling beast who awaits for his moment to strike.

Sometimes those around you tire, sometime those around you lose interest and get bored, sometime they even lose faith or fall off the path themselves; nevertheless one cannot always trust them to be there at all times. Therein lies the dilemma of when one should secede from the group. When one should decide to unplug oneself from their life support called friends and family. When one needs to choose to either try and fend for oneself or whether to just give up and die. After trial and error, pain and joy, support and the lack thereof, I have decided to unhook myself and see how I fair.

No longer will I look to the left or to the right for support or advice on matters that affect me in either a positive or negative way. At times, I feel that my life support has saved me from imminent death and destruction, while at other times I felt that if I remained attached any longer, I would continue to spiral down the path of weakness and destitution and become and broken down due to my inability to sustain the fight for myself. So, tonight I pull the plug and see what fate awaits me, tonight I see how much I’ve benefited or how much I’ve been decayed and weathered by my life support.

No fear resides in me, nor any shame, rather a blank and open mind with a hopeful heart that is ready to accept the unforeseen successes or failures of my decision. Tonight is the night, the moment I choose to be self sufficient, and the moment I either succeed or fail and die alone. The night awaits, the plug has been removed and tonight is the night I have decided to sustain myself and fight my own battle without the need for life support.

DEW03/25/059:36PM

Answer 10

Very good! I love it! It would seem to me you have a gift for these things.