Um.. Help??

Question

I already asked this question but I'm going to add more details, so maybe you can help me better.
Ok my mom died when I was 8 years old (I am 15 now) and I just had some new neighbors move in just over a year ago. And at first I wanted nothing to do with their parents becasue thats just what I've been like since my mom died. But as I go over their and "hang out" I find myself wanting their mom to be in the same room as us and to talk to us and play games like "truth or dare" and "would you rather" with us. And then if the two girls that I'm "hanging out" with get yelled at by there mom I feel like I want to get into trouble too. It's really weird. I also find myself feeling jealous when she goes and sits next to one of her daughters. Another thing, sometimes I feel like I just want to sit down with her and just talk with just me and her. I'm not sure whats going on, can someone help me? AND what shoud I do about this?
Ok, I live with my dad and two brothers.

My aunt and grandma aren't the type that will listen to me very well. And I saw that on my other queztion someone said she probably already knows, do you think she really does and if she does why doesn't she do anything about it?

Answer 1

I'm 21 now, but my mom started being seriously mentally ill when I was 11 and left when I was 15. I understand completely how you're feeling, but it's really a great step for you to admit that you feel that way about your friend's mom and is probably a big sign that you're healing at least a little bit.

I know there were (and stil are!!) times, especially when big things happened like important birthdays or my first kiss or high school graduation or first day of college, that I felt very jealous of my best friends and how their mom's were there to cheer them up or cheer them on. The bright side, however, is that many of them have taken me as a second daughter over the years. I spend most holidays with my high school best friend and her family. In fact, when I turned 21, her whole family, including her grandparents, aunt & uncles and cousin came to my party.

If you want to talk to your friend's mom, maybe you should try to drop by when you know your friend isn't home, but her mom doesn't know that you know. That way you could talk to her one on one and feel less self-conscious about approaching her. I think you will find that if you build that kind of relationship, you will stop feeling jealous.

I would also suggest looking for a mentor at church or a special teacher. I got my first job when I turned 16, and I have been close with the main manager at that store since then. I sponsored her daughter's baptisms and even lived with them for a few months when I wasn't getting along with my dad. I just recently got my first professional job, and she and her family are planning to come visit even though my dad and brother are not. My point is, so many people out there are looking for someone's life to make a difference in. If you are at the point in your grief that you are open to have a new mother figure, there are probably numerous people who want to be there for you and who want to see you have the happiest life possible.

Answer 2

Girls your age need to have the kind of relationship you wish you could have with your friend's mother. It is natural that you wish you had some of what the other family has because no matter how good a father is having no mother in your house for so long has made you feel you're missing that.

Have you tried telling your friends that you wish you could talk to their mother once in a while - just you and her? I wonder if they told her that whether she'd set up some time you could have together.

One thing, though, is that sometimes people are a little worried about stepping on the toes of a young person's parent(s). They are a little worried that if they try to offer opinions or guidance to someone else's son or daughter it will conflict with what the parent believes.

Something else you could do is tell your father how much it would mean to you to be able to talk with someone like this woman. (Maybe that would be enough to make him give her a call and give her the ok to feel free to speak.)

Another thing you could do is see if you could see a counselor to talk about this longing you seem to have. Maybe a counselor could give you some tips on things you could do that may help in some way.

Also, I know this isn't exactly what you'd like, but you may want to ask about calling a group like the Big Sisters organization or some other similiar group. One thing is that you could ask about being a big sister for a younger girl who doesn't have a mother around. Another thing, though, is you could ask about getting an older person as a Big Sister for yourself.

Answer 3

Well, I can tell you this story from a guy's perspective. I lost my dad when I was 12. At first it didn't bother me much, but then as I got older I realized that it actually did have an effect on me. When I was 17 it got really bad, I got depression and started cutting myself. That's when I went to see a psychologist. During my time in counseling I found out how important it is to have an adult of the same gender to talk to. Sadly though, still today (I'm now 18) I haven't found a male role model. I would give anything to have a father figure in my life, somebody who shows he cares. It sounds to me like you have found a mother figure who you look up to. I think it's perfectly OK to feel like she's a "fake" mom for you. I'm sure she knows that you lost your mother and I bet she treats you like her kids. It's ok if you want to talk to just her, she'll listen to you. Make good use of this. I'd call what you have a blessing. I envy you. Good luck! If you want to know more about how I feel/felt and deal with this send me an email!

Answer 4

I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my mom when I was 19 (I'm 28 now) my sisters at the time were 7 and 9. You just long for that adult female relationship that most girls have. You missed out on that. You can talk to your adult neighbor and tell her how you feel. It's completly normal. Just think about it this way, if her kids get in trouble you really won't. You can be included in many of their activities i'm sure.

Answer 5

Aww, sweetheart, I am so sorry.

It sounds like you're in desperate need of a mother figure, and your friends' mom just happens to be in the right place at the right time.

There's nothing wrong with that. If this woman is a good person, and you have a good relationship with her, it's OK to talk with her. Sometimes there are things a girl can't get from her father (or brothers for that matter).

Keep the jealousy in check, though. I understand how you feel. You're not actually jealous of your friends, your jealous of them having a mom, and that's ok too. That is something you can probably talk to your dad about.

So, if you feel that she is trustworthy and is easy to talk to, and she doesn't have any problems with you, then everything is fine. Just don't feel guilty. You're not replacing your mother, you're just looking for someone to talk to.

Answer 6

It's understandable, you need and want a woman to confide in and comfort you. I had the opposite problem, my Dad died and I so wanted a father figure and now I'm grown and I still wish I had a Daddy. Try confiding in this woman, tell her you just need someone to talk to sometimes, especially a woman. See how open she is to the idea. It's possible she has no idea you feel this way. Try to control your jealousy though, although it's a natural feeling in your situation, it will only complicate things. Also, see if your school has a mentoring program. Those programs can be great and they could pair you up with a woman who would be willing to be there to talk with you since she would have voluntarily signed up to be a mentor.

Answer 7

Well it sounds to me like your completely normal! You just want something that you haven't had in your life, im so sorry that your mom passed away, its a terrible thing. Especially now your 15 and going through so much in your life. You just need someone whose more of a mother figure to hand around, what i would do, is talk to this woman about how your feeling, im sure she understands, and would love to be there for you for anything you may need her for. I know how you may feel, about growing up with the boys, sometimes its just nice to have a woman around. Write me if you have any other questions about what your going through. [e-mail]

Answer 8

Well it sounds like you are really missing that mom feeling.

Don't worry it is normal to feel like this. I think as long as you know her well enough that it is ok to feel like you can go to her. If she knows your situation then she may just be waiting for you to make your move. I mean mothers are very caring and sympathetic, I am sure she would be happy to be your freind and confidant. She probably doesn't want you to feel like she is trying to take your mothers place.

My mom didn't pass away but had a drinking problem and I found that our neighbor was a great friend to me. She was just like my mother. She took care of me when my mothe couldn't. She had no problem with and in the end said that I was like the duaghter she never had...She did just pass away last year and it kills me not to have anyone to go to when I need advice.

If you feel like you need someone to talk to, I suggest just doing it. I am sure neither one of you will regret it.

Good luck.

Answer 9

It sounds like you need a woman figure in your life sweety. There is nothing wrong with it, and if i were you, I would talk to the woman and just tell her that since you live with your dad and two brothers, you think there is alot you can learn and alot you want to learn from her. You need a female to learn from. Maybe she will be willing to talk to you like you would have talked to your mom. I think she would be flattered that you thought of her as a so-to-speek "roll model".
Its perfectly normal what you are feeling. You are at that age no doubt where things are becoming more and more confusing as a female and you have no females to talk to. I would ask her if she minded if you came to her with things you may become concerned with.
Good luck hun.

Answer 10

I am sure you have mentioned to her daughters about your mom going to heaven. I am also sure since her daughters talk with her, they have already told her. It is a part of life.. I am sure your father, too has missed your mother. It will take time, for her to sit with you.. much more time, perhaps, when you become an adult, this women might give you good advice. It is good that this women respects you and she does not yell at you.. do not get in trouble with this women , you might be able to advice her later in life about any problem her daughters might have and she might be able to advice you on some things your father does not know. do not take your father for granted, he also needs you. You represent part of your mother , yes, inside you, you have your fathers blood and your moms blood and when he sees you he remembers your mother. what you are feeling is normal. you are feeling the warm love this women gives towards her children and you.. it is nature what you are feeling.. everyone wants to be with someone that accepts them.. just take the days slowly and learn as much as you can from this woman...now if you hang with them, too much, her children might notice this.. if it gets in your way of thought, too much... try skipping a few days and say you have to do chores for your father..