Would you critique my first draft?

Question

http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp?authorcode=D695898&entry=10008&mode=

Our class exchanged papers and critiqued one another's papers, but the critique I received was less than helpful. I know there are still problems, but I just can't find them- I wrote it, and I'm therefore too close to it to see them. Thanks.

Answer 1

I'll look at it and leave a note. :-)

[edit] My comments didn't fit in the leave a note section so here they are:

Generally well thought-out, good arguments, and good grammar. The descriptive language is good, but it’s also wordy. I'd suggest going through your paper and deleting some of the unnecessary words.

One argument that I would question is the "Many argue that while a parent...” Just because you can read a textbook doesn't mean you're qualified to teach that subject. If that's the case, why not let the students teach themselves? It can work, but it’s also goes against government guidelines – for a reason! Your other suggestion was private tutors. Tutors are too expensive for most people. If the parents have the money for private tutors it’s likely they have the money for private schools, something you didn’t touch in your paper.

This was just a quick analysis. I hope it helps.

Answer 2

You have some very valid points as well as things I disagree with. But that's the way this should be.

It is a little dry and boring, and unnecessary to use as many "difficult" "awkward" and simply don't-roll-off-the-tongue- well words and sentences..."just because I know them." It never makes for good writing. But, again, it's exactly what you need/are required to do with your school stuff. That's what many pathetic teachers require--THEY are bored reading them TOO.

It's a little disjointed, which, also, doesn't matter for your purposes. It's very up to par. Vocab is good, understanding of language and subject is good, good points, bad points, helpful, not helpful, stiff and clinical...all these things just the way the teacher wants them.

Your "critic" was prolly bored, picked up on something that just made up their mind not to like it, God, getting other students to "critique" other students' papers has to be one of the most idiotic things they do. Lazy? You bet!

I'm a book author and editor, and have been one for many years. I could take your essay and do something totally different with it from what you did, using all of your same stuff. And that info would all still end up conveying the same boring crap, because that's what this is. Just crap. Methodical crap the teacher makes you do. If your teach even appreciated any of what all you guys wrote, they'd be a moron.

I had to go thru this junk too...so does everybody: "NOPE!!! Still HAVEN'T NEEDED that ALGEBRA yet, Mrs. Berman, you *****!"

Another student isn't QUALIFIED to criticize your paper. Your teacher is an idiot. Your paper should get prolly
get a 95% or A...depending on your grading system.

'K. Now you have professional advice. It prolly won't make you feel much better over there where you are and the world you're in, but, if I published scholarly stuff, I'd only ask you to make a few changes, a couple rewrites, and it'd get published.