Should I give my opinion or hold my tongue?

Question

I have a friend (who is also my fiance's best friend) who is about to propose to a girl he just met a few months ago. He claims it was basically love at first sight, but they don't seem very loving, she seems really materialistic (gave him super exact qualifications about what she wanted in a ring including quality, company, size, price minimum, etc.). He's 29, so I have a feeling he's just jumping into this too quickly to try to get married before he turns 30. Should I try to get him to wait, or just trust that he's a smart guy and can figure out what he wants to do?

Answer 1

Hey Michelle!
Man that's a hard place to be. You are most likely right in your feelings, but voiceing your opinion on a subject like this almost always causes bad feelings and lasting resentments...especially when people are all ga-ga. Then when things go wrong later, the last thing they will do is admit you are right. In fact, they somehow find away to even blame you. I know that sounds stupid... you right it is... but it really happens.
My advice to you is to hold your toungue for now... but let your friend(s) know that you are availble if (and I mean if) they want to talk to someone about it. So then they will be coming to you for the advice. People are soooo much receptive to advice when it isn't be forced on them.
If they do come to you for that advice, Let them express how they feel (you don't want to appear like you have a preconceived conclusion). Do as much listening as you can.
Then instead of giving your opinion straight forward... present it more in a form of a question. EXAMPLE: Don't say "I think it's kind of quick for you guys to get married....", instead say "Do you think you know each other well enough to make such a long term commitment?''
You are much more mature than your friends. The reason I can see this is you are actually considering the consequences of your actions before do them. People that aren't as mature have a tendency to make these kind of decisions without first thinking them through. And they also have the tendency to resent others much more readily when they are just offering to help.
I know it's hard to not say anything, but it's harder to lose a friend. They are lucky to have someone like you.
wayne

Answer 2

I think you should try, but be prepared for him not to hear you.

I met just such a woman and thought of marrying her. She told me all about the ring she wanted. It did not matter to me at the time and we got very involved, but did not marry. I am glad now I did not marry her, but I do not think anyone telling me their opinion on that would have changed my mind, but it is possible.

Whatever happened after it was over if someone had taken the effort to tell me I would consider them a good friend.

Answer 3

I know it is hard, but just hold your tounge. We just went thru the same type of thing. Our friend dumped his girlfriend and then met this gal at the bar. She has a lot of baggage....4 kids, a grandkid...etc. He has no kids, but has a decent job and a house and a stable life. (it was hard to keep my mouth shut and he wouldn't listen to anyone that said anything)...he took the plunge and got married. He loves her and her kids and the grandkid..only 2 of the kids live with them. But she has issues....she gambles, drinks, smokes, swears like a sailor and her M.O. is keep the men around until she bleeds them dry....till they are bankrupt and then she moves on.) Just keep you mouth shut and hope for the best. If you say something it could jeopardize your friendship. He is a big boy and knows what he is doing....I hope!

Answer 4

if you feel that this might not be good for him then tell him how you feel. from the sound of things, she doesn't sound like she loves him for who he is and refuses to accept the small things in life as having just as much or greater value than the expensive things. i don't think this would be good for him either. he needs to find someone who loves him for who he is and for how much or what he can get them. relationships based on materials never work out. relationships with love does. hope you can convince him to change is mind. he may be glad to did later on down the road and you will be too.

Answer 5

I'd hold my tongue unless you are specifically asked your opinion. As they say, "Love is blind." And he just might turn on you and then you'll have a "thing" going with him. It's really none of your business (not said in a mean way). So, let him make his own mistakes, if that's what it turns out to be.

Answer 6

If he's your friend, and you have a good relationship... let him know how you feel, but reassure him that he may do and choose as he pleases and that you will support him even if chooses to do differently from what you advised him to do.

If you are not willing to do that, then just hold your tongue. Else you could loose his friendship if you insist to have him obey your advice.

Answer 7

Have you ever heard that saying about killing the messenger?!
When guys fancy themselves in love, they aren't going to listen to what you say, and call you a nay-sayer when you give your opinion.
That being said, I would STILL try to give my opinion nicely, if for no other reason than to be able to say, "I TOLD you that she was just using you!!"
I have seen a lot of really nice guys marry heinous girls who treat them horribly...I don't know, maybe nice guys only like girls like that!!

Answer 8

you know what you should warn him about what he is getting himself into. Tell him what you think....and make sure he knows how you feel towards him getting married. But at the end its his decision. JUst make sure you let him know eveything....and exactly how you feel....either he sais yes or no you did your part as a friend.....and if later on in the future things go wrong you can tell him " i told you so".....but its all up to him. Ur doing ur part. LEts just wish him luck,.

Answer 9

Mind your own business, unless your opinion is asked. Your friend will not thank you even if you are right. You will only create a barrier between the two of you.

Answer 10

Hold your tongue. He'll figure it out for himself and that is exactly what he needs to do without any help from you. If he ask, then offer your opinion but not until.