how can I make this poem sound better? Suggestions / Opinions very welcome?

Question

No, Keep it
She said
her smell still wafting in the breeze
Like golden secrecy
the jacket lay upon my shoulders like
Love itself,
Wrapped around like
Love itself,
yet every time I smell the scent
I beam
but I also lament
harken;
the soft wind hits against me
and I smell her fragrance once again

Please help!!!

Answer 1

I like it. Don't change a thing.

Answer 2

I agree with Judi about the scent wafting in the breeze painting the wrong image for what you mean. I think Robert had some good comparisons. You seem to be focusing on the senses here and I might rethink that third line to make sure that you mean how it sounds. The last line--and I smell--you might think of a better way to explain that again. Perhaps her perfume was roses so you might say something like, and the scent of roses (the sense of hearing blends with sounds) sings to me once more. Keep writing. Its good.

Answer 3

Liam, yet another attractive little bit of verse and that i might make few variations, the biggest being possibly deleting the line 'i could stay forever, blinded by pureness.' The unexpected shift in sign in and sensibility is slightly jarring and the poem seems to pass properly without it; the sense of the expunged line is implied by the tip of the poem and its prevalent tone. What of this for an amended version?: The coastline. Paradise unearths me on my own on the coastline, status at water's part, The moon casting a shadow over the international. Heaven is interior my attain, mushy waves gently caressing my ft; Breezes tickle my earlobes, As sand trickles slowly with the aid of my fingertips, the place love and easy-weight meet. I stand undisturbed, feeling no discomfort, Numbed to the middle by the sight, Soothed in basic terms by the cool rain, gazing the waves crashing and breaking, Signalling the beginning up of a clean day, My heart relieved, loose from aching, As I turn and walk away. the two way, it substitute right into an amazing poem, suggesting that in the time of a existence the place we are asked to undergo lots, we detect solace in existence's historic certainties. attractive artwork Liam...

Answer 4

I like it...but you might change "her smell still wafting in the breeze/Like golden secrecy". Somehow, saying someone has a smell doesn't imply a pleasant fragrance...and the smell and "golden" together sounds like you're talking about a fetish.

Answer 5

Sounds great Emma. I think if you don't feel good about it already, then maybe it's not completely from your heart. I was moved by it. Reminded me of a girl I used to know. She's just a dim memory now. But the "scent" and "fragrance" references hold a lot a meaning for me still.

Thanks. Chuck.

Answer 6

Okay, so it's NOT PERFECT ... it does 'tell the story' quite well. If I was to do 'anything' at all, I'd take away the first two lines, and I'd CAPITALIZE either ALL of the 'left margin words' or make all of the 'small letters' ... it's really a VERY GOOD POEM, though. KEEP WRITING!

Answer 7

I hope you like what I wrote.

Her scent is like a favorite photograph.
It is etched in my memory forever
Her scent is like a song that I want to hear over and over.
Her scent is gentle as the summer breeze.