What's wrong with me? Should I just give up on friends?

Question

I've tried everything everyone's told me, I've been outgoing, friendly, patient, I talk to people in classes,joined clubs, I say hi to people every chance I get, I plan my day around bumping into people I know to have a chat, pretty much anything anyone can think of. I was alone in high school, my mom, the school coundelor and everyone told me it would get better when i moved to a new city to go to university, but it didn't. I meet new people all the time and even have a few regular friends but i always get forgotten about. I don't get invetied to parties (don't tell me thier not imprtant because they are) Í sit in my apartment on weekends. Every move I make is trying to find someone to be with but that doesn't happen often. I act relaxed and pretend I'm not lonely and desperate when I do have people around but they still lose interest. I have hobbies and talk to people with the same hobbies (music). Should I just give up? Is there anything left to try? 'm tired of being patient?

I live a long ways away from my family(and my cats:-( . I can't have parties or pets in my apartment. I've been alone so long I can't stand it. It's not like I want to be the center of attension, I just see other people i group with people and I don't see why i can't be like that. Other people just hang out like it's not a big deal to have someone to hang out with!

And why don't people ever go out of their way like I do for them?

The weird thing is i'm not bed looking, I'm smart, but saturday night tv still sucks.

Answer 1

I can see your frustration. It sounds like you are doing everything right. The last thing I would suggest is to find a new hobby, just for you, without the thought of making friends. Sometimes when you stop looking for something, it finds you.

Oh, and the one place I found a lot of friends without even trying was at Curves fitness center. People there just like to talk and be friendly. It's a cheerful setting. You never know.

Answer 2

I hear you. Thing is, I never tried like you do. But I Still got the old "You're trying too hard."
I never had a home I felt comfortable inviting people over to. My friend needed to escape her return to the parents' home, so she invited herslef over my house often... and at 27, that was the first that people regularly came over- oh, sure, more followed after that.
See, I don't know how to show interest, ask the right, non-nosy questions, and actually make the first move. I promised myself I'd work on it, and I wonder if you could get through it this way, too!
Oh, and I was just writing a little blues-y ditty for just such people like us...
the point of it (I forgot the tune since I stopped driving) was:
There's no such thing as being nice. You ain't gotta do nohtin' but stay black and die. Or stay whatever and live. I borrow from my friends who don't have this nice-girl crap bred into them by the time they're three, so I can bust loose a little.
You pay your dues, and that's it. You don't owe anybody anything. You wanna be nice? That's a bonus. You do it twice with no return gesture of appreciation, you just S T O P.
Being nice is a choice. Not an imperative.
You can be that girl, but only when people work for it.
Good luck!

Answer 3

Sometimes it's just "trying to hard". I dont have an "answer" for you, because i'm not sure there IS an answer. first thing i'd suggest is therapy. I dont know about where you are, but here in dinky midwest we have a graduate school for people wanting to go into psycology, and they offer a sliding scale payment for services.

Beyond that, Just enjoy the time you spend with people. have you tried asking someone you trust why you dont get invited to parties? do you really want to go to these parties? How about having small dinner parties at yoru place, invite 2 or 3 people over for dinner and a movie? and i know you've been alone a long time, and i'm sorry that it bothers you so, but is it possible to try to enjoy some of that alone time?

just a few more questions for your question i guess. i hope it helps a little.

Answer 4

Three things jump out at me from your question. Firstly - you plan your day around bumping into people. I know you say you act relaxed and pretend you're not lonely and desperate but that in itself may come across to casual aquaintances as exactly those things. Secondly, you sit in your apartment at weekends and always get forgotten about - it sounds as though you expect to be forgotten about so you wait to be forgotten about and then when the invitations don't roll in you can think "see, I knew they'd forget about me". It is almost like you invite that behaviour so it can reinforce your own feelings about yourself. I know where you are coming from because I have been there myself and it all comes down to a negative self attitude. You are doing some great things to make friends and I think you're very brave, but when it boils down to it you don't seem to have a strong sense of worth about yourself. You mustn't feel mad at your friends for not inviting you to their parties, always give them the benefit of the doubt, otherwise they will pick up on the negativity and not want to invite you.

The third thing which stood out was that every move you make is trying to find someone to be with. That pressure is too much for most people, even a close friend would find that difficult to handle.

You need to try to be positive, stop putting so many pressures on the friends you do have and stop trying to "share" interests with people. The most interesting people I have met have completely different opinions and interests to me which is fascinating. Few people want to meet their clone.

You sound very intelligent, you are at uni, develop some opinions read different things and think more about the world around you. Have some non-friend-making related goals and don't be afraid to speak out, be proud of who you are and have different views to other people which makes them interested to hear more about you. Keep people guessing a little bit.

You need to be happy to spend time by yourself, people are more perceptive than you give them credit for and can sense desperation a mile off. Once you are happy in your own skin then friends will come to you.

Patience is great, but not the main quality people would ask for in a friend as it more suggests "doormat" (again, something I am familiar with but at 27 I've learned a few lessons)

Maybe you can't throw parties, but what is to stop you inviting a few others (maybe 2-4 other people?) for a cocktail night or similar? If they are from different social circles and don't know each other it could be interesting?

Sorry this is a long answer, and I hope I haven't jumped too much to conclusions as ultimately I don't know you, but I have been in a similar place before.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Okay what about clubs or a gym or even one of those short courses at the colleges that teach you dancing. Like Salsa! I'm going out on a limb here but, how is your hygiene? No one wants to be around someone who has body odour or bad breath, or stuff in their teeth. Check yourself. How are you dressing? Gotta be a little bit hip you know, sad to say but true.How are you coming across to people? Would you want to get to know someone like you if you were in the same room? Think about it. Are you putting out weird vibes? Next time you're around some friends say, "Hey so and so, I feel like going to a party this weekend, know of any? Maybe I'll see ya there, or can I catch a ride? Or can I follow you guys? I might have to leave early.

Answer 6

It's easy to sit here and try to advise you on what to do, but in fact it's very difficult. I'm going to be very honest so don't get mad. Pamela Anderson would not be where she is today if she looked like she got hit with a hot be of nickels.

People judge you by your Appearance, which is in my opinion not necessarily good looks but also socially accepted and socially valued attitude, makes up the form of the way people perceive you. Thus, if a specific society doesn't appreciate depressed people with a bad mood, they might not perceive such individuals as easily societal.

Depending on the level and standards of maturity in a specific set of people or society (and trust me, each part of today's world has different standards for this), I would say that most of the perception based merely on appearances will be radically wiped out by the content of your actions. Form and content are both important parameters; and everyone values them at a different level of importance.

Whether this is all self-confidence?

Statistics might state one thing, whereas your own experience might suggest something else. Honestly I believe that it's impossible to generalize. There are no rules!

My point is that the potential of being approached doesn't depend just on you, but also on the others.

e.g. if you're a hot chick/guy but with a very low self-confidence, this won't stop the waves of horny and cocky guys/chicks approaching you;
If you're average looking (according to the societies standards) but you have a very strong confidence, people who are interested in what you say will come to you anyway... except for those people who have very high standards of physical beauty. (But don't generalize this!)
If you have both a high standard of physical beauty and a high self-confidence, it may appear that more people approach you... but the less confident and less beautiful people might be very shy to approach you.
In such a case you should make an effort to be the one making the approach . That's just an opinion.

Anyway, these are just examples.

I guess every place has its different priorities, sets of values, etc.

Answer 7

yes, give up on LOOKING for friends. you cant force friendship, its something that just happens. its a connection that either will or will not happen between two individuals.

if you try too hard, you will look desperate, even if you are trying to look the opposite.

you say parties are important, well that is an opinion, and if that is how you feel, and its something you need in your life, just start going out. go to clubs, go to bars, just go.


being female, it wont be long before someone comes up to you, so take the opportunity to get to know them, and decide from there if they are friend material. dont judge the book by its cover, or else you are making a reality that may not exist, and it will fuel prejudice. plus, if everyone judged you by the way you look, would they talk to you?

you cant see yourself the way others do until you completely let go of your self made identity, dont throw it away, just get outside of it, and really look at yourself. maybe it IS you, its hard to take, but sometimes true. its like the girl who wears a black trenchcoat and alot of makeup to "disappear," maybe because she is self conscious for any reason, but she is just making herself stand out even more.

when you are honest with yourself, you will be able to BE yourself, and make friends.

and yes, even though you are tired of it, be patient.

and, theres always craigslist, find someone in your area to hang out with. meet other girls with the same interests and the same outlook as you.

Answer 8

It sounds like you are working very hard to create opportunities to meet people and/or talk to them but what are you saying? People often remember the way they felt when speaking with a particular person than what was actually said. So are you positive or negative? Do you give sincere compliments? Do you complain or make a catty remark about someone else? I know you said you can't have parties at your apartment but that shouldn't stop you from extending invites of your own. You would invite people over for movies, coffee, game night, etc. Your invites may prompt your acquaintances to extend one to you.

Answer 9

i'm sorry you are having such a hard time finding friends! have you tried joining some community groups? one piece of advice i can give is don't wait to get invited to events on the weekeneds. don't sit in the house. go out to some places by yourself and meet some people. join a gym,etc.
also you say you act relaxed but are you really relaxed? you have to be happy with yourself before you can expect people to except you. people don't like to be around people who are depressed or down alot so figure out exactly how you are portrayed by others. asks someone you think will give you an honest answer.
please don't make the majority of friends online, it's dangerous and you should be spending more time out having fun.
don't worry, you will make friends. yes you've heard it before but maybe you should try to befriend a different bunch of people, of all races and sexes.

good luck!

Answer 10

sometimes when people try too hard it makes them seem desparate and needy - and for most girls and guys - thats a big turn off. Your still young so you have plenty of time - not to worry. What you need to focus on is being happy with yourself, not reliant on others for your happiness. When that happens - people will gravitate towards you with no effort on your behalf. Stop being what everyone has told you to be and just be YOURSELF. IF you dont know who you are - perhaps a little self exploration is in order. Go camping for a week by yourself - learn how to meditate - seek therapy.