how do i get over the cheating?

Question

Hi
this is a first time for me on here. i dont really know where to start because this has basically just happened!
i have been with my partner for almost 11 years. we dont yet live together due to kids and elderly parents (his) but we wer building up to being together eventually... or so i thought.
he has just confessed to me that 8 years ago he cheated on me 5 times! oh my god i am in such a mess.
last summer i went through a load of counselling to sort out my jealousy because my ex had cheated on me loads of times, so i was finding hard to trust again. ( i know this is all a bit ironic now!) anyway, i got fixed!
for the 1st time in my life i was allowing myslef to relax, trust him and be happy.
he dropped this on me tonight and says he had been carrying the guilt around all of these years adn wanted to "come clean" so we could build a life!
oh my god, the absolute pig!
thing is, i feel that our relationship is now built on nothing. during the time he was sleeping around, i was in happy land thinking we were ok.
now i fell that it has all been built on lies.
i dont feel that i can ever trust again or allow myslef to.
please, please help me with this.
can i trust him?
should i try again with him?

hope you have some wise words out there
sarah x

Answer 1

There is no relationship without trust - I cannot understand why he admitted this after 8 years and to cheat once is a mistake twice is taking the mick but 5 times!!! - personally I would not be able to stay with this man - I would never be able to trust him. I can't understand why it took 8 years to tell you, maybe deep down he wants to end it, surely after 11 years all the excuses for not living together are a sign that it is not meant to be - there are lots of people out there with kids, elderly parents and many other responsibilities but they manage to live together and get married. If I was in your shoes I would take some time away from him and sort my head out - if you do stay in this relationship it will be extremely hard and be alot of hard work - 11 years is a long time to be with someone, but like you said is it really a relationship if it is built on lies.
You must do what is best for you and your kids - and either way you are going to have to make some tough decisions. I hope things work out for you either way xx

Answer 2

Wow, first i want to say i'm sorry no one else deserves to be cheated on. I have been through the whole cheating partner and chose to stay with him afterwards due to the circumstances that it happened. I know what is going through your mind now tho, things is he who i think he is, or is he and the relationship a lie? If he decided to quit cheating, what made him decide to stop, and will he chose to do it again? I so understand the questions you and have honestly they will probably not go away especially not any time soon. Do you believe in your heart that he is truely sorry and wont do it again? Everyone says once a cheater always a cheater and alot of times it is true but not ALWAYS. Lets say you choose to stay with him, its going to take lots of work on both parts, just because he says he is sorry doesnt mean that you can forgive him that easily. It isnt for everyone but writing in a journel about your feelings help get some emotions out. You may need some time away from him for awhile too just to get some of your emotions and feelings in order. All so i would suggest counsling if both of you are willing, sometimes the doctors can help open up some feelings and get a better understanding of the situation. Anyways bottom line is if you choose to stay it will take a long hard recovery but which is worse living without him(knowing he wont do it again) or working on a life with someone you love.

Answer 3

No! You can't trust him EVER again! Once a cheater always a cheater. This is happening to someone i know. Her man has been cheating for the past 7 years on and off, he's even left her to try it on with one of his lovers...only to come back to her...and she had him back(!?). He still carries on having affairs here and there because he can get away with it.
It seems your partner is feeling guilty but how do you know it really happened 8 years ago? It could have been 1 year ago. And to be honest if it took him so many years to be honest with you then he is not worth it. How can you trust him again? The harm has been done and it will take you a long time to get over his cheating so in my opinion, you are much better off without him. It might take you a long time to forget him and move on but in the long run you will be better off. Not all men are cheaters. And even singledon for a while is not as bad as it seems. Best to be alone than with a cheating partner who clearly doesn't deserve you. All the best

Answer 4

Sara I am sorry to hear that, I think my husband has cheated on me but I haven't proved that myself, But If someone is willing to brake those 11 years of TRUST AND LOVE by cheating , how are you going to continue in this relationship even if it was just one time? Yet, I think he was very brave and Honest to tell you the truth, that also tells something doesnt it??,
But, I would feel very sad, disappointed, mad and heart broken to know that He wasn't strong enough to turn girls away, If he didnt get what he wanted from you and he found it in somebody else then Why is he still wiht you, Do you know what I mean???, I think this is very touchy and you need to sit down and talk about it, becuase 11 years are like a long way of marriage, even though you are not married it is still a long part of your life. I hope it works out, Remeber the points I mentioned to you ok? And be Strong, Sincerely, Laura.

Answer 5

Boy, all the girls are totally unforgiving aren't they? I feel for you, I really do. For me too the trust is gone forever, with no chance of repair, but I think it's a frame of mind. My mindset these days is that she may as well be cheating on me, but we are still together, but with much lower expectations. It appears that everyone but me is at it with everyone else, and I generally have such low expectation with women, and to be honest it wouldn't stop me dipping my toe in the future, because I no-longer have the dream that it can ever be perfect.

And so based on that, the fact that this guy has come clean, and has been faithful for 8 years, to me, makes him seem a better bet than trying from scratch with someone else.

But I am very much Glass half empty on this.

Answer 6

Hi Sarah,

I think you first should work on you before getting into any relationship. Work on your self-respect, self-love, and gain back some power in your life. It seems you give out your heart, and they take and take. You must teach them how to respect you. I know you must be hurt and crushed by his confession. I can understand him being honest, but if he loved you then as he said he did. He wouldn't have been messing around you. I don't think getting married or closer will change this. He may feel he needs to be honest with you about it. But I just feel he wouldn't have had to if he had been honest from the beginning and never did IT! Girlfriend you really need to get yourself set up, take care of yourself, and truly find a man who will love and respect you with dignity, and someon that you can fully trust and not have any issues with. You don't want to take any baggage into a good relationship. I would deal with your feelings, your pain, and overcome that, so you can have a clear mind and goal oriented attitude before stepping into a committed relationship or marriage. Goodluck to you lady!

Answer 7

Sarah get your head together for your sakes and start with being on your own for a while - i know a few friends who long for that togetherness but always fall foul of happiness for being needy of a relationship. What a rat he sounds dumping all this on you after what you have been through. Why did he not come clean at the start? I am fortunate in that I have been with my wife for 17 years and we know each other very well - 3 boys and apart from the usual lack of monies we are very happy together. If you want any more help please write - J

Answer 8

Dear Sarah, you have been together, unmarried, for 11 years, waiting, "building up to being together eventually..."? And during this time, he cheated on you, and managed to keep quiet about it for 8 years?

I mean, it is really hard to give advice in this kind of situation, but it sounds like he has been stringing you on. Are you going to be able to trust him again? Ever? How many more years are you willing to "build up to MAYBE being together EVENTUALLY SOMEDAY"?

On the one hand, it is good that he was willing to confess this, and that the guilt was eating him up. Can you be sure that he hasn't cheated since? Are you willing to forgive?

If you think he is worth it, and you are willing to forgive, and he is willing to remain faithful for the rest of his life- well, you have to live with the decision.

Answer 9

I don't know if you will ever be able to get over it. If you somehow find a way to do so, and he cheats again, don't even consider giving him another chance. I say that there is never a reason to cheat, and once a cheater, always a cheater, maybe not in the physicality of it, but certainly in the mind. Be careful and don't bee a doormat for no one!

Answer 10

You couldn't get 'fixed' because you weren't broken in the first place. You were a victim of someone else's bad behaviour. And its happened again.

Firstly, you have to decide if the relationship is worth continuing after finding out that you were decieved.

Secondly, men don't 'come clean' after 8 years. They bury and forget. Is there something else that he is leading up to tell you?