I have a 2 month old, how can I get my husband to cope and gain patience?

Question

My husband is very helpful when it comes to feedings and changes. But when my son crys He goes crazy, Starts yelling at the baby. i.e. "Will you Just Shut the helll up?" He also starts throwing or kicking things. He has never showed this fustration or anger before. He is very loving. He never yells at me. He says he gets fustrated because he can't make him stop crying, and he doesn't know what's wrong. He says he feels like a bad father because he can't help with the crying. Is this normal for a first time father,Feeling inadequate?

Answer 1

I felt inadequate, as did my wife. It doesn't make him a bad father, but exhibiting impatience by yelling at the baby and throwing a temper tantrum is at the very least a tendency bad fathers have. That's not something I did or would ever do. At the most, I would beg & plea for the crying to stop. Obviously the baby won't stop crying if your husband get's angry, yells, and throws things. Tension & frustration will only make the baby more upset.

There's a book called "What to Expect: The First Year." I suggest getting a copy. In there, it explains that it's normal to feel angry, and it's common for people feel like they want to throw the baby out of a window, but when a person begins to feel like the thoughts might become something more, then it's time to just set the baby down for 10 minutes and leave the room. He and the baby would be better off for it.

To soothe the baby to sleep or to get the baby to calm down, try these solutions:

1) Carry the baby and walk around, counting out loud, rhythmically, and as fast as you can until you get to 2000 or beyond. You should know pretty soon if this will work. If not, no need to continue.

2) Create white noise. My suggestion would be to step into the bathroom and run the shower on hot. The white noise and warm, moist air should help to soothe the baby.

3) Place the baby in a bouncy chair with a vibrate function. This didn't work for me, but a lot of people have had success with it.

If I think of any more, I'll add them.

Answer 2

This must be his first child. And it is scary and it does make one feel inadequate when you can't read the mind of a 2 month old and be able to tell what's wrong and how to comfort. Let dad know that baby picks up on his emotion. Sometimes baby will cry because it's all baby knows how to do. Doesn't make him a bad daddy or baby a bad baby. The baby is going through growing spurts and changes of its own. Sometimes the baby just wants to cry .. and that's ok. Feeling inadequate is normal with a 1st, 2nd or 3rd child but throwing things and cursing at the child isn't going to help calm the child. Dad needs a break when this starts to happen. This child will look to you for love and support. Dad might do well to attend a few parenting classes; go on line and discuss his frustrations and fears with other parents...he's not a bad daddy, just scared. I've been scared too. Anger most always follows fear; fear of not getting it right, not doing something right. Children don't come with an instruction guide. They come with a lot of very innocent and unconditional love. Crying is sometimes a child's only way to communicate. Educate yourselves and do exactly what you did today. Reach out and ask. You may get answers you don't like and that's okay too. Communicate with each other. Work with each other. I know there were times when I couldn't calm my child but the father could and vice versa. Just don't let yourselves become frustrated to the point that you take it out on a child. We all as parents, get frustrated. They are only little for a little while. Enjoy them.

Answer 3

First your husbands short temper is not a good sign, sounds like he has anger issues (I would be afraid to leave your son alone with him until he deals with it).
Second most father's know very little about babies and are not at all nurturing or have any instincts or ideas. Tell him that yelling is not acceptable it will just scare the baby even more. Go through the steps he should look at first (bottle, changing, burping), if at anytime he feels overwhelmed and before he gets loony seek your help immediately .
To be a great father he should always be helpful, have the best interest for his children, have fun and laugh and never raise his voice to them or harm them in any way. He's on his way but make sure he keeps his temper in check.

Answer 4

My husband was sort of that way with our son. He got so frustrated and couldn't understand why he couldn't seem to make him happy. He even got depressed over it and said he thought he was an awful father. I just had to explain to him that all babies cry and that sometimes, there's nothing you can do to make them stop. All you can do is have patience. Now, my husband did yell and stomp around, but never threw or kicked things. You need to tell your husband that he needs to CALM DOWN. Babies know if you're upset and only cry harder when you show it so blatantly. Tell your husband to go take a walk or go for a drive if he's that frustrated. That's what I did for my husband. However, if you think that he could possibly grab or shake the baby out of frustration, he needs to go for some counseling or something. No matter what, that baby is your #1 priority. I hope this helps...good luck!

Answer 5

I think that there isnt any excuse for that kind of behavior, everyone feels inadequate at some point when they have children, but we find a way to deal with it in a better way which is what he needs to do before something unfortunate happens. I know you may think he wouldn't do anything more than what he does but you probably thought that before he started yelling and throwing things now too. I think that you may need to talk to him about your concern for the child and maybe suggest other options that may be helpful. I think that if things don't change something worse could happen and I doubt he would want that to happen either, try not to approach him about it when he is angry (unless you have to) but sit him down to talk when you both are calm and can have a good talk. Let him know that you understand that its hard and you want to work through this. I think he'll respond well.

Answer 6

It is normal for new dads to be frustrated when they can't calm the baby, but yelling at the baby, kicking and throwing things is NOT OK!! Does he think that will calm the baby down? Baby will pick up on his frustration.

My husband was also quite frustrated. He thought I thought he couldn't do anything right. Which wasn't true. He didn't do things the way I did it, but I wasn't hovering and correcting him either. After the baby got to be 6 mos old, husband really got comfortable with baby.

I would talk to your husband about his fears. Offer suggestions but try not to tell him exactly what to do. I would, however, demand an immediate stop to the yelling/kicking/throwing. If he feels he is going to lose control he needs to call you to look after the baby and go cool off.

Answer 7

I don't think it's normal to scream and shout "shut the hell up" at a newborn! My husband never did that, neither any other male friend or family member. That's scary! Your husband needs to learn all babies cry, it's not the end of the world and it's defiantly isn't going to hurt anyone that the baby is crying.
Anytime our first born would cry my husband would swaddle him in a blanket and walk or rock him. Also your husband needs to speak to the baby in a clam voice, letting the baby know it's OK to cry and that daddy is there and will not let anything happen to him. You should defiantly let your husband read these comments to let him know he's doing wrong by freaking out and it really doesn't help. Of course it's frustrating when your child cries and you don't know what to do but that's what babies do. He needs to take it easy before he actually harms the baby!

Answer 8

Please ask your hospital for resources for new parents. He has to understand that babies cry an average of a few hours per day. It has nothing to do with him or his abilities as a father, it's just what babies do. If he can manage to not take it personally, he will be able to deal with it better. Let him know it's ok to walk away or go to another room when the baby is crying so he can collect himself. Please don't wait--it could turn into physical violence, with grim consequences.

A friend of my husband's gave him the book below before our kid was born. He just scanned through the relevant parts, and it helped him a lot in terms of understanding that crying is just a natural part of a baby's day, and has nothing to do with his parenting skills.

In our own experience, it really helped us to think of it as "exercise". In the normal course of a day, we all walk, climb stairs, work out, etc. right? Well a baby just lays there all day. The only way they can blow off steam or get exercise is by crying. So try to think of it as your baby is working out.

Also, a baby can sense if you're stressed, angry, etc. So his yelling might actually be making the baby cry even more.

Answer 9

No I can't say that is normal my husband never acted like that with our son. I would say maybe he has some deep underlineing problems that he should see a perfesanal about. Also explain to him that is just how babies let you know they need something it is nothing to get angry or frustrated over just try to pick him up and hold him if the baby still crys then check it other wise it is just what babies do. I am sorry for your situation right now and I am sure you husband is kind but I feel scared for your child because what is keeping him from just hitting it or something?? I would get him some help and fast! Good luck

Answer 10

Holy crap. That isn't good! He says he feels like a bad father because he can't help with the crying, but his actions are obviously making it worse. Explain to your husband that crying is a babys only means of communicating, and it is out job as parents to find out what our babys are trying to communicate to us.

Make a list for him of things he should check and do when the baby is crying, and post it on the fridge or in a common area. When the baby starts to cry your hubby can follow this list. It will make him feel more in control of the situation when he is more empowered with a list. Here is a brief list off the top of my head. Maybe you can think of more things.

Soiled Diaper?
Hungry?
Gas - needs burping?
Tired?
Uncomfortable somehow? Check cloths for itchy or pokey things.
Just needs a cuddle?
Bored? Wants to be rocked or played with?
Tired?
Wants pacifier?

Then give him suggestions on what to do in case baby is inconsolable. Mine would always go right to sleep as soon as we gave her a pacifier and took her for a car ride.

If all else fails - Tell your husband to put the baby in his crib, making sure he is safe, and to leave the room for 10 minutes. He can regain his composure in these 10 minutes instead of losing his cool and perhaps hitting or shaking baby. After 10 minutes, the child will have either cried himself to sleep, or your hubby can try to console him again.