how do i "fit in" to my husbands "all ready made family" when his ex wife keeps pushing me out

Question

my new husband jo is a very devoted/supporting dad/exhusband.jo promised hi ex they would raise thier only child tom together after the divorce.because of this jo maintains daily contact(phone,email ect)with his ex regarding everthing from sports/school activities to what tom ate for lunch.its not unlike her to call jo for 20 mins to tell him what she and tom did for the day.i understand jo does not what to miss out on anything with his son but tom is 7yrs old and old enougth to tell his dad what he did.i feel like hes still married to her just not living with her.this would not bother me much if his ex was not so bitter to me and except me.she had made it very clear i will never be part of her "family unit"and wants me to have nothing to do with toms life as i'm not really family.since jo's life revolves around his son it is hard for me not to be involved.jo will not back me on any of this as he says its her right as a mom to decide what i can an can't do regarding tom and if he stands up for me it will only make it worse for tom.

Answer 1

Both you and your husband need to take a long hard look at your marriage and reassess your priorities.

It's admirable that he wants to continue to be involved in his son's life, but this is way over the top. He doesn't have to consult with his ex on every last thing. There are exceptions (health issues, discipline issues), but a daily accounting is not necessary. It's also inappropriate for him not to support you as his wife and to demand that the ex at the very least be civil to you. If he doesn't demand her respect, his son won't respect you either. He has rights as a father, and his reasoning is unacceptable.

You should sit down and tell him how you feel. Additionally, he needs to be reminded that your marriage is a priority over everything else. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care for or neglects his son, but it does mean that you make decisions about EVERYTHING as a couple. You said he's a new husband so I have to wonder if this was a situation you discussed before you married. You also need to determine what your drop dead point is; let him know that this has created a rift between you and ask him to go to counseling. If he chooses not to go, go without him. You'll learn how to deal with the situation. You can't work out the issues of this situation by yourself; you might have to think twice about staying married to him if he refuses to see there's a problem.

Answer 2

You are making the mistake of trying to fit in. You are married to Jo; Tom has to fit into your life. If Tom is there and the ex is home, it is you and Jo that have to decide what to do. If Tom is never there, then you need to talk with Jo so that it is understood when the ex can call and when she may not call.

It is the life with your husband that you need to develop. Leave the ex out of it and you will move forward well.

Answer 3

You are in a horrible situation and I feel for you. Your husband is a complete jerk for not taking your side on this. You are a part of Jo's life and you are Jo's family which in turn makes you part of Tom's family as much as his ex-wife hates it. Lets say you and Jo have a baby together I guess little Tom is not family with yalls child either? This is a crock of crap if you ask me. You need to stress to your hubby you don't appreciate being told you are not part of the family unit. Sounds to me like Jo should still be with his ex if he, little Tom and her are the only acceptable people for their family unit.

Answer 4

Your husband is WIERD. Does he still have a CRUSH on his ex-wife? What is his problem? You want to blame his ex-wife, but you better open your eyes. YOUR HUSBAND is to blame because he is too much of a wimp to say to his ex, "Look, I have a new wife now. SHE is my new family. Tom is also my family. But, YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY any more. So, from now on, I will talk directly to Tom about things. Maybe once a month we can talk, but NO MORE than that. Tom knows how to talk, so I will talk with HIM." I am wondering what is wrong with YOU to put up with this from your husband? I don't know one other woman on the planet who would. YOU are Tom's STEP-MOTHER. THAT gives you the right to care about him, too, and to be in his life. If your husband cannot stand up for THAT RIGHT for you, AND cut the daily chit chats with the ex, then YOU better open YOUR eyes: something is NOT Right about this. This is the craziest thing I've heard in a long time. I would put my foot down if I were YOU. Make your husband choose: You or the daily chats with her. He is trying to make it sound like it is all for little Tommy's sake. BULL ****! It is for HIS EGO that he does this. He is a sick, sick man.

Answer 5

You stay with this man and you will be miserable for the rest of your life. He is playing a sick game here. Why did they divorce to begin with? He still has conversations with her that has nothing to do with his son and you are allowing him to say she has the right to decide what is done with Tom? When your husband asked you to be his wife, you became a part of his life. That means you are Tom's step-mother and he should have a chance to get to know you. Please don't stay there any longer than you already have. Your husband is not standing by you or supporting you. He refused to keep it to just him and his son. You need to move on. This is going to get worse and you are going to become more invisable. Good luck and GOD bless.

Answer 6

Whoa!!! If your married to this man then he took a VOW to stick up for you and to be there for you. Your right - the little boy is old enought to tell his dad how his day was. She is trying to be a controlling b-word. My husband has 3 kids that aren't from me and he calls them at the sitters house just so he don't have to talk to his ex. Like the other girl said - I wouldn't be able to handle that either and I wouldn't have married him. It is her right as a mom to keep his step mother away?? And Jo has nothing to say about this??? He should be happy you want to be part of his sons life!! He SHOULD involve you, because he is married to YOU. Honey - you need to put your foot in his a** and stand up to this b-word.

Answer 7

I feel your pain. I was in a 12 year marriage where his ex interfered continually..she also poisoned the children against me every chance she got. One thing I want you to think about for sure, when you married him you two became "one". I am very concerned that he's treating you this way. If he treats you this way then he will foster disrespect from his son to you. I wouldnt marry anyone under the cirucumstances. I seriously doubt that you and he will make it unless he changes his tune. His ex wife is wielding her power as Toms mother. Ex wives can truly be bitter and resentful people. You really need to stand your ground as his other half and the person who is now one with him. I hate it for you that he disrespects you this way...I see it as only getting worse in the future unless you demand the respect you deserve.

Answer 8

It's great that this man wants to be integrally involved with his son; and, of course, that can continue. But I don't understand why you can't be included in some of it.

Why didn't you settle this before you married him? You had to be aware of the situation. You have really made a mess for yourself, because you are powerless here. If your husband won't insist you be included in at least some things, you're going to have to decide if you want to continue with the marriage under the circumstances.

Do yourself a favor and DO NOT have children until you're sure this is settled.

Answer 9

Thats very sad, indeed....he isn't accepting you as part of the family either. Its a shame that he still lets his ex wife dictate his life. Not to mention its kind of spineless. And whats this make it worse for Tom? How so? She can't withhold any visits from him as long as Jo is providing financially for Tom.
She's jealous and catty and not setting a very bad example for her child.

Answer 10

Am sorry to say. But he shouldn't stood marry to her. That's radicalizes. How the ex calls him to say what they had for lunch. That's crazy. The boy is old enough to tell his dad if he wants to.She (the ex) must not have a man?There's nothing wrong with him knowing things about his son, such as school/sports. But everyday, come on.Something not right. I have a 9yrs boy. And his father in I are separated, we only talk maybe once a week if he going to pick him up. He tells me the day and time and when he going to drop him off things like that.Many times my son whats to tell his dad something. I let HIM call his dad. I don't even get on the phone. For what. Unless if he going to pick him up. What your man doing and his ex wife there wrong. Your man wasn't ready to start another relationship. And am sorry to tell you but this one you had to know this was the way it was going to be. And almost anything you tell your man, he might think you don't want him to have to contact with his son. He might take it that way. So you have to be very careful on how you talk to him. That s h i t needs to stop. Come on everyday on the phone for 20Min's. plus e-mails That's crazy. You need to buy ten stupid things couples to to mess up their relationship by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger. Let him read that. I feel really bad for you. You can e-mail me. at [e-mail]