Wicked ex-wife poisoning kids and community.?

Question

My husband had a harsh childhood (drug addicted Mom and abusive, cruel Dad.) My husband spent 14yrs with his 1st wife, often working 2 jobs while she stayed home. He says he can count on one hand how often she said she loved him or thanked him for anything. He admits that he never had a backbone with her. She verbally and emotionally abused him and he took it, not knowing how a real family is supposed to feel.
Now she has custody of their 2 boys and she is so evil and mean. She tells the boys and everyone else that my husband used to abuse her. I have caught her in so many lies and schemes to know that my husband is the one telling the truth. He is so patient, gentle, and loving and doesn't deserve this treatment. It's obvious to anyone that he is intimidated by her but she is 5'1" with a sweet voice so it's hard to not believe her if you didn't know both of them. She uses the kids to get at him and encourages them to be rude to us. There is no talking to her. What do we do?

I personally never talk to her. He is the one who has tried reasoning with her and getting her to see that she is harming the boys. We spend time talking about it because of how it affects the kids.
Also, we didn't meet until just before their divorce was final. I wasn't a homewrecker.
We tried to get custody of the kids after they showed up with bruises on their bottoms and lower backs and separately told us that "Momma gave us 20 licks with a belt." The older son told us when Children's Svcs came she lied to them and told them she does time outs with them but she doesn't. It was a "He said, she said" situation because the bruises weren't enough to substantiate abuse! When 2 households are deemed acceptable to care for the kids the court will order that they stay where they are.
Before we married, she tried to even take his visits away saying he abused his son, but she didn't know I was in the house at the time and knew it was a lie. I wouldn't have married him if it was true.

Answer 1

Wow. What a horrid situation for you and your husband!
The boys are the most important issue here, so ill start with them. I think the best thing to do is to say nothing retalitory about their mother to them. Its up to your husband and yourself to set an example of what adults should be like, and kids are smart enough to realise (eventually at least) when they are being manipulated. Be strong with them, assert your values, but dont get involved in this war that their mother wants to involve them in. When they are older (over 18) that might be the time to explain the situation. Until then, take the high ground.

As for your husband, first thing to do would be for him to get counselling. If he's had that hard a life then he is going to need to talk to a proffesional, if only to feel better about himself.
He's lucky to have you, and so long as you keep supporting and loving him then he will be fine.
As for how he is percieved in the community, anyone worth knowing will wait to judge his character for himself. Remember everyone loves to gossip and make random character analysis, but not very much of that is real. If he refuses to be drawn into his ex-wifes spitefullness, then he will eventually emerge as the good guy in all of this.

And now you! Take a moment and congratulate yourself on loving your husband that much that you want to help him like this! It's bad luck you have to deal with this woman, and share the children. But dont let her influence your life so much. Try to think of the ex-wife as someone who is (deep down) very sad, very insecure, and probably very jealous of yourself. Dont lower yourself to her standards, and remember she has nothing to hurt you with because you dont care what she thinks.

Good luck and god bless!

Answer 2

Wow what a spiteful, manipulating witch she is..

My advice to u is to get a child addilitem (sp) involved.. go to social services explain what u believe is happening to the kids, and ask for one to get involved, they will not only do a house hold evaluation of her house hold and how she interacts with the children at her house but one as well as one at your house and the kids while in ur care.. , so that it can be in writing the findings of both houses as far as stability, and if they are in the well being of the children, it will actually protect ur husband in the long run to get one involved because this woman is psychotic and is a time bomb waiting to go off, and make false accusations.. so id definately get social services involved from your advantage point..what they have to say can and will be heard , and its better then a he said she said battle in court..

Also if and when u go to court i would demand that she have to take parenting classes..

But definately get the state on ur side..they will get to the bottom of it if she is mistreating the kids, brain washing, and if they are in a stable environment.. and if they feel your home is more stable, then at that point u and ur husband stand a really good chance of getting custody of the kids..

Answer 3

Tough spot to be in. Your husband needs to document everything, keep a log of his visits with the kids and take pictures of the kids when they have bruises. Consult an attorney on the process for gaining full custody. As far as rumors around town spreading from this evil woman, people that know her know that the rumors are not true.

Unfortunately, the law is in favor of the mother even if she is the abuser. he needs to fight for the welfare of his kids.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I am a young teen. I have been living with my father and step-mother for almost two years now. My biological mother fits your husbands ex exactly. Her family was always better than ours, and since my parents divorce, she accused my father of beating and raping her. She would continuously verbally and abuse ME and my brother and sister. She insisted that I was the one who had anger problems and suggested to my father that I needed anger management classes. My dad told me that he never saw the "anger" that I supposedly had had and he thought that I should go to the counselor and act like he was a mediator. When we finally got to the counselor's office, I told him everything; how she acted, how she had five boyfriends at once and how they didn't know about one another and how we couldn't tell... A little bit after that meeting, my mother and I had a big fight, so I called my dad and had him come and pick me and my sibs up. Ever since April 2005, we have lived with my dad and have not seen my mother but once. She decited that 1/2 a year after not seeing us, that we should come and spend the holidays with her. We didn't want to go, so she brought out the old court papers and called the cops. He said that in like California, after the papers are so old, that she couldn't use them against us since they were so old and we didn't have to go with her. She is still spreading rumors about us and my dad, but we get through it.

All I have to tell you is get some people on your side; like a counselor, mediator, or another person that is sort of occupation. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 5

Take her to court for custody of those kids. Document anything and everything she says that you know is a lie and use it as evidence in court. It's a horrible situation, and I have friends who are dealing with something very similar, but that is about all you can do. Otherwise I would suggest that you guys spell it out for the kids and make sure they understand that their daddy loves them. When they get older and can see things for themselves, she'll reap what she is sowing - and unhealthy relationship with her kids who won't believe a word she says.

Answer 6

Ignore her. Let the courts handle when he sees the kids, etc..... If the kids are being disrespectful, it is only because they watched daddy be a MOUSE with their mother, and they are copying HER behavior. HE is the one with the problem. Blame HER all you want, but until HE stands up and tells them all how it is, then you get what you get. He needs to discipline his children for one thing, and tell her to NOT SPEAK TO HIM. YOU can't fix this problem. It is up to HIM, and obviously he won't, so live with it.

Answer 7

I will tell you what I told my ex-husband's current wife when she went off on me because he gets off the phone angry with me.............He is never going to have anything good to say about his ex. The story is always going to be that she is the evil one and he was taken advantage of. You will always take his side because you love him.

Not all ex-wives are evil women that abuse their children and scheme to ruin their ex-husband's lives. Most of us are simply trying to get on with our lives and having to deal with a wimpy ex-husband who wants to control things but couldn't stand up to us and can't stand up to their current wife either...and instead of admitting to their new wife that they have no ba**s they blame it all on the "evil" ex-wife.

Also, did he ever thank her for staying home to raise their children? Did he ever tell her he loved her? Maybe she felt isolated and alone being at home with her children and he offered her nothing in return for doing that. Remember that ther is ALWAYS another side to the story and you simply choose to believe the side you want to.

You will waste a lot of time, money, and energy being angry with the ex all the time. Let it go and try to enjoy being together and being with the kids.

Answer 8

If he met you while he was still married to her and she perceives you as a homewrecker, she'll always make your life hard and most people in the community and the boys will think you deserve to be treated badly.

Answer 9

stay out of it. you are fanning the fire. is he trying as hard as you are? maybe because some of what she is saying is true. stay out of it.
why are you spending your time together talking about the ex-wife?

Answer 10

wow, you sound like your living in my shoes! i have no answers but just wanted to let you know,your not alone in this situation.