Should I be concerned that he doesn't communicate with his son's mother? How can I encourage him to?

Question

I am engaged to a man with a child from a previous relationship. I've never dated anyone with a child before so this is all new to me. His child lives in another state so we don't have much interaction besides phone calls. His ex was stunned and angry when she found out about our relationship (6+ months ago) and their communication has been extremely strained since then and she made threats to keep his child away from him. (Lots of underlying issues prior to our relationship plus I think there's a lack of closure and she still has feelings for my fiance) My fiance's mother lives in the same state as his child and sees him weekly so most communication about his child is done thru his mother. I've been trying to encourage him to talk to his ex and develop amicable communication for the sake of their son but he won't because he thinks she won't be able to handle it while she's still hung up on him. She won't initiate it because she's hurt. Is it even my place to encourage communication?

Answer 1

No. You really do not have to do anything. Just be supportive of him and how he chooses to handle the situation.. His X will eventually get used to the idea , that he has moved on with his life and she must do the same. Their son will grow and things will change. He just needs to be the best dad he can be in this situation. That should be his main priority. He does need to remind his X that its all about their son now, and not about him and her. She needs to focus on theirs childs welfare and happeness. Thats it.

Answer 2

We could be sisters.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married for 3 1/2.
He was married to his ex for 15 yrs and they have 3 children.
His ex is remarried. She cheated on my husband with her current and also has a BF on the other side of the state where they live.
Anyway, the children live in the same state as the ex-wife. She still fancies my husband even though they've been divorced for 13 yrs now.
She made a pass at my hubby when she and I met for the first and only time at my niece's wedding last year. (Hussy!)
My point:
They have a son, their 3rd child who is 16 yrs old, my husband was in the military overseas at the time that his ex left him and their 3rd child was 2 1/2. This son barely remembers my husband. She took the kids out of state without his permission. In this state, you have to get permission from the other parent in order to move out, she didn't and he didn't go after her.
My tactic:
I don't know the whole story. I only know what my husband tells me. I don't care to hear it from his backstabbing ex-wife as I support my husband. He's in a dither about his long lost 3rd child, his son. He and this son have no contact and it's sad. However, it's my husband's decision to make the move. I am only there to support and encourage him in the most tactful way. I never push him. I believe that's not my place. Because his ex-wife is such an "in your face" personality and throws her weight around with my husband saying things like, "I am the best woman that you could ever get...the prettiest...the smartest...", so on and so forth, such BS.
Anyway, I am 13 yrs younger than my husband. His ex is 10 yrs older than me....not that age has anything to do with it, but I wanted to paint a better picture.
She's a controlling, manipulative, backstabbing hussy who is never around for any of her kids, especially the youngest.....she lives with her BF on the other side of the state while her current husband is taking care of the youngest.
This is another reason why I don't force the issue. I am thinking that there's only a limit to what my husband can do legally, but I really don't know. He's the one who will need to make that move, not me. I am his wife...a supporter, and I encourage him lightly and only once in awhile. Now, he's recently asked me for help in writing a letter to his 3rd child, his son.
I think that's a step in the right direction.
I know I've just about near written a novel, but I felt all was necessary to share and I hope you can gleen some insight from this.
Good luck to you and your family....

Answer 3

They are all so blessed to have an intelligent woman like YOU in their lives. I have watched many men IGNORE their former wives, using their new wives or mother's to communicate with the ex. Well, NO ONE likes to communicate with an ex, but YOU are so right.....for the child it HAS TO BE DONE. Your future husband has COWARDLY issues. Seriously, he does. It won't get any better till HE stands up and QUITS making stupid excuses for USING his mother to do the communicating for him. His mom is a fool. SHE did not make this child! Your future husband and his EX made the child, now they BOTH need to grow up and start talking about him themselves. Your fiance will use YOU, too, in this way. Watch and see. Seems to me like YOU are the only one thinking about the child. Why would they have to talk about anything other than the kid? They wouldn't, so HE needs to be a MAN and start talking!!!! Instead, his mother keeps him a boy. This is what I have seen happen time and time again, and there is ALWAYS nothing but turmoil with the he said, and she said, etc..... Just because SHE may still want him, doesn't mean to NOT talk directly to HER about their child. I hope YOU will stay out of it. Don't become like his mother, who WILL run the show because she knows too much of thier business. Watch and see. Trouble ahead!!!!!!

Answer 4

You need to pay attention very carefully to what your fiance is doing. He doesn't want to call his son because he doesn't think she can handle it. Sounds like there are deeper issues there than what he claims. Are you planning on having children with this man? There are two stories in every break-up, have you heard both sides? You should be very careful with this man. I dated a man who sounds a lot like your fiance. I found out after I was married to him and pregnant that he didn't want anything to do with his child from the previous marriage. He blamed the ex for making "issues" when he went to see his daughter, but after she remarried, he still didn't see his daughter that much. Do your homework on this one. I would hate for you to make a mistake that will stay with you the rest of your life. Thank you and good luck.

Answer 5

Whatever you do, DON'T encourage him to communicate with her. She will just make your life miserable! Trust me. I made the same goddamn mistake and I'm seriously paying for it now. Same situation, she threw him away after living together for 14 years, she's all hurt now because it's only been 4 months and we're engaged. Because of her he wasn't seeing his children which didn't sit well with me at all, so I encouraged him to call and start seeing them. Well big mistake! Now she's calling all the time, whenever we have the kids and if we don't answer her call right away she pops up - banging on the door and dragging the kids home at 11 at night. She's hurt and wants him back, but it's too late now cause I'm not going anywhere. I don't argue with her or try to reason with her and that makes it worse. If your fiance is getting reports of his son through his mother, that's good enough. At least he knows the boy is okay and if he wants to see him, he can go home and visit him. Trust me, let that sleeping dog lay or you'll be dealing with her until the boy is 18 and beyond. Good luck.

Answer 6

You didn't stop to consider that he might know his ex better than you do, and you might not want him to communicate with her because it could invite trouble into your lives?

I mean, it's nice when everybody has moved on and can act like grown ups, but based on some of my experiences, there are some exes that take making your life miserable as a personal mission in life, and if that's the case....

Answer 7

It is hard sometimes to continue an amicable relationship with an ex. If she is mad and threatening to not let him see the child just because she knows he is interested in someone else, it may be best to just keep them apart and let him talk to his child and not the mother.

Answer 8

no it's not your place, the ex will consider any act of good will on your part as a bad thing. u need to just stay out of it, the woman will never like u or want to be your friend. she obviously still loves him, and considers u even though he is divorced the other woman. she is going to be hurt for awhile, and nothing u can do will make her feel any better. she wants him back, probably never wanted the divorce and nothing u say even well meant is going to help the situation.

Answer 9

He must like it that she is still hung up on him, because he can ease her pain and give her closure. I would make this one of the things he would have to do, before marriage. Otherwise, there might be too many problems with the ex.

Answer 10

You can encourage all you like but don't over step your boundaries on this. There is a reason he doesn't communicate with his ex much and he does know how she is which could explain why there is little communication.