My 15 yo son has strongly resented me for more than a year, is this normal or too long?

Question

About a year ago he was sidetracked, joined a bad crowd. One day he messed up, drank and helped put graffiti on a wall. My hubby was on a trip and I had to decide what to do. I was scared and gave him a harsh punishment, he was grounded for 2 months and had to clean walls to pay for the damage. Actually, he worked much more than cleaning the wall he stained. He got kinda humiliated and resentful. He left that crowd and is a great boy, everything I could want. But extremely resentful, cause he says he didnt deserve a so harsh punishment, cleaning one wall would be enough, and before the punishment he already regreted what he did. My husband and I did our best to get him back, but he's like a stranger, especially with me. He' been like that for more than a year and it doesnt seem he'll change. It's extremely hurtful, before that thing he was a bit sidetracked but very affectionated w/ me, used to treat me w/ much love. Now, he's cold as ice, I really miss that lovig boy he used to be.

Answer 1

That is sad to hear Ana, but I think you did the right thing. At that age it doesn't take much for a teen to resent their parents - but some day he'll realize you did him a big favor by getting him away from that crowd. It's the toughest thing a parent has to do and you did the right thing. Hang in there and keep showing him you still love him. But don't backtrack and let him get away with stuff.

Answer 2

Stop kicking yourself for being a responsible parent and punishing your son. You did the right thing. He's a teenager and they sulk and are distant. It's not unusual. It's great that he regretted his previous actions and you should tell him how proud of the fact that he took his punishment and worked hard. As long as you show you're not confident you did the right thing then he'll use it against you. Both of you need to let it go. He's not the loving boy he used to be, he's a teenager, but they come back around, after awhile. Just be patient. This is the way it goes. They push you away and become independent, leave the house, you miss them, they mature and come back to you the kind, young man you were hoping for. Unfortunately, it can take 5-10 years for this cycle. Hang in there. Just remember to let him know you love him no matter what and don't let him manipulate you with punishment from over a year ago. Good Luck!

Answer 3

When our children are young it is easy to get along. Sure there are the time outs and the occasional discipline - but the overall relationship is generally filled with love and adoration. After all - they are soooo cute - am I right?
When our kids hit those pivotal teen years things become harder. I strongly beleive it is natures way of helping us let them go when the time comes. The problem is that anger doesn't just go away - the feelings that your son is harboring aren't going to go away - regardles of whether you did the right thing he was hurt. When this kind of situation arises we need to look at the relationship differently than child/parent - we need to realize that this child while still sharing our DNA has become his own person.
Short answer - TIME...
If things aren't going well with a spouse we take time out. A weekend or holiday away from distractions - more dinners out - TIME... My advice - try a month or so of some serious family excersions... Doing things together - and talking. Talk about everything and his issues.
If after a few weeks things still seem cold and distant - see someone. But dont be afraid to let him see how this is hurting you.
Good Luck

Answer 4

He's a teenager. There's really nothing you can do but be patient. It's going to take a while for him to grow out of it. My brother is 18 and he still acts like that.

I wouldn't only blame yourself for the punishment. Teenagers are all bound to be like that in one way or another.
Just be understanding. If he needs to talk, be there. If he is having problems, approach him.
Tell him you love him a couple times a day. Hug him. Just show him he's loved.
Good luck, and I'm glad to know he's out of the 'bad crowd'!

Answer 5

It's normal for boys to act like they have a chip on their shoulder at that age, but your deal is complicated by the incident you described. I don't think your punishment was terrible--maybe you should have shortened the grounding a bit--but it doesn't seem like that should still make him mad a year later. Maybe he realizes he can manipulate you. Do you beg his forgiveness or act upset that he's so distant? If so, he might enjoy making you squirm, so some of it could be an act. Don't be sorry for your punishment and don't act wimpy. Don't beg him to talk to you. Tell him you're sorry he's still angry with you, but you love him very much and hope someday he'll be able to tell you the same. If he starts acting out again, try to get family counseling.

We have friends who had major problems with their 14-year-old and their counselor told them to simply touch their son 100 times a day. Touch his shoulder, his head, arm, whereever, every time you pass him or are near him. He also told them to look at their son with a "happy to see you", loving look each time he walked in, even if he doesn't look happy to see them. Convince yourself, and him, that you're totally in love with him. They said at first it was hard, he'd yank away when they touched and he'd make negative comments about them looking happy to see him, but pretty soon he started making changes on his own (quit hanging out with a bad crowd, etc.), and by the time he was 17 or so, he was the greatest kid!

Our son walked around "mad" for about two years--ages 13 1/2 to 15 1/2--then at 16 he was back to his affectionate self (though it was still easy to get him mad for a couple of years). We tried doing what our friends tried (above) and we saw a huge change in him! They start getting big and we quit touching them as much and look at them with critical looks--it just adds fuel to their hormonal frustrations. Now that mine is 20, the anger is gone and he's fabulous. We've talked about it, and he can't even say why--just says he always felt mad. I'm sure it's hormonal (just think of a 12-year-old girl!) and something they have to go through to grow up.

Best wishes and good luck!

Answer 6

The attitude and resentfulness are a normal part of adolescence, cutting the apron strings, and defining himself as a separate person while still trying to figure out what person he is. It's as stressful on him as it is on you, more than likely, and scary for him to think that he's facing life without his usual safety net (you). Your loving boy is probably still in there.

I'd say to praise him whenever you can, especially how proud you are of him for serving his punishment no matter how unfair it seemed to him, and let him know how much you still love him. They act aloof, but they really do hear you. And you might ask for a hug from time to time. Asking for permission shows respect for him as a separate person, and I don't know any teenager who has ever said no.

Good luck. God bless.

Answer 7

Hormones, and if he doesn't get better as he gets older, than he has problems and needs to go to therapy because that is not a bad punishment for the severity of what he did. At least he didn't get arrested, try that for a harsh punishment.

Answer 8

i imagine relatives treatment is a remarkable concept even if you could't get her to bypass immediately. it form of feels to me that some thing would have handed off for the time of that 3 month era it is the reason behind her "undesirable memories". have you ever requested her if some thing handed off even as she became away? What you probably did became precise. you purchased your daughter on the right route and as father and mom it is your job, regardless of it takes each and every from time to time. she will be in a position to comprehend that you probably did it for her own good. yet, i believe she is protecting some thing hidden interior and under no circumstances telling you about it. You and your husband go with to bypass to relatives treatment if some thing to the way in which to refer on your daughter. She desires you 2 now more desirable than ever. praise her, tell her each and everything you reported right here. tell her how proud you're of her. you extremely go with to verify what handed off. If no longer some thing did take position then she may only be tremendous ashamed of what she did and would't enable it bypass. IDK. verbal change is the only component i am going to imagine of immediately. She desires to maintain in mind that relatives treatment isn't a punishment. tell her you go with her to sense free and that you all go with help to be able to locate her happiness.

Answer 9

i think that you did the absolute right thing- you cant be leniente with them because then they will take advantage of you-- its normal for teenagers to not like at least one of their parents--

i was the same way when i was that age-- i couldnt stand my mom-- but her and my dad were just looking out for me and i see that now. you need to set boundaries and limits for your child before its too late-- and it looks like you have--

you should sit him down and try to explain all of this to him and maybe the three of you could try family counseling. also, make sure you a rewarding him for the good things that he does. dont just punish. good luck and i hope everything works out for you!

Answer 10

no offense to you whatsoever.

but im a teen too

getting grounded for two mo. is nothing i got grounded for half a year for yelling at my mom. but i stuck it out, and my mom and I are gr8 now.

ur son is a wimp

tell him to get used to it. he shouldnt even be drinking, or hanging around kids who drink.

im the same age

and i am sober

never drank

never smoked

never hung out with any1 hu did.

tell him to get a life, and be the way he used to be.