Need some honest advice about a broken marriage?

Question

It's a long sorted story, but here goes...

Wife and I have been together for 14+ years. 8 of which as husband and wife. After the tragic loss of her mother, she slipped into depression and the weight of carrying the marriage and supporting our children and the household fell on my shoulders. After a while, with all the hurt I had to let my love for her go (It just hurt too bad for me to love her when I got hurt at every turn) just to get by in my day to day life and do what I needed to do to support our family. I've made my share of mistakes so she's not entirely at fault either. We've since sought counseling and have dealt with her depression, but my problem is this... How can you learn to love someone again after so much hurt? I've let go of the resentment and the anger, but I still don't love her the way I should. I care for her deeply, but I don't think that's enough. So what do you do when you reach this point?

We are currently in counseling. I lay there beside her each night and think "Can I live without this person in my life?" and each time the answer is yes. We've tried spending time together, dating, just staring into each others eyes and all for naught. She says she loves me as deeply as she ever has, and she knows where her problems lie and we're working on those together. I just don't feel the same way for her. I love her do not doubt, but it's not a husbandly love that one should feel for his wife. I feel like the flame has been put out entirely. Being with her just doesn't make me happy. I know what's wrong, it's just that every piece of advice I've had on how to fix it just doesn't seem to work.

Answer 1

Sounds like you need more space so you can think more
clearly, and you can do that by seperation as sometimes
when the two are not togeather then you can get a bigger
picture of can you really live alone without her and go on
being happy in life. You say you are getting counseling
and so is she, continue doing that and continue seeing
the counselor togeather as it will take the two of you to
make it work. If seperated it will give both sides the space
sometimes needed to better know themselves and to try
and resolve their problems in a different environment:
Since children are involved you both owe it to each other
to try and make the marriage work for the sake of your
children, however sometimes no matter how one tries it
doesn't work out: Stay committed, you and her and if
both of you have the love and the committment needed
in a marriage then you will overcome the problems, but
the key here is TWO people have to be involved.
Good luck and hope it works out as you both have some-
thing worth holding on about and that is your children.

Answer 2

This is actually a very normal stage in marriage. My best recommendation is to take a fabulous, romantic vacation together (no kids). Try to eliminate any pressure or stress during the trip. Try to find activities that you enjoy together, for example, walks. Also, it's important that you attend marriage counseling together.

Concerning your wife's loss, people grieve differently. Some go inward, some reach outward. Depression is also normal. It can be a very hard time for a marriage. Whether your wife does or not, you should also attend a depression support group to learn more about it, and to receive encouragement.

A helpful website for you is linked below. I'd recommend the book (at that website) called Heal the Hurts That Sabotage Your Life.

It also sounds like you are in a mild depression. Your emotions would be "numb" during that time. It would be good to get evaluated by your doctor.

Answer 3

I am in a very similar situation and not a day goes by that I don't want to leave, but I stay for the children and her. It is very difficult to love someone when you have been used as "the human pinata" by your spouse.

Trust is missing in your marriage and this will take time. Seek marriage counseling if you want to get back together or divorce her. You have a right to a happy life also and may be a better father if you divorce.

I know this is difficult, since I am living the same way also and remain married. What hurts the most for me is that the children recognize problems and ask why I stay married to mommy.
I am currently in counseling as well.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I admire all the work you are doing to try to get your marriage back. At the risk of sounding insensitive, though, you're right... love isn't enough. But you should have known that before you got married. Love comes and goes, but marriage is a committment. Whether you love the person anymore or not, you chose to promise yourself to her forever. What happens when people get too old, and their looks fade? Can someone say, I don't love her anymore, she isn't pretty? He can, but it doesn't matter. He married her.

It's great if two people are completely and totally in love their whole lives. But here's the reality: EVERYONE has issues. Not many people's marriages are like that. People fall in love, out of love, BACK into love. They struggle with hurts cause by the other person, they struggle with losses. It doesn't mean you didn't promise to do the work necessary to keep a relationship going. I hope you can both heal and fall in love again. But if you can't, I still think you have a committment to stick to. Good luck.

Answer 5

I understand what you are going through and also what your wife is going through. 14+ years is a long time and alot of work went into the marriage in those years. Don't give up. When someone goes into depression it affects all the family. We all make mistakes in our lives but we need to learn and grow from them. I was the one who went into the depression and it was so very hard on my husband. Men (in general) try to fix things and this is something you can't fix. Remember that the children are also a victim of this illness. You have hung in there all this time so try to keep hanging in there. It will take alot of work on both sides. Have faith that you and your wife can come together for each other. Time will tell. Good Luck

Answer 6

thats very deep , honestly im glad to hear that you sought counselling , it really helps . As far as your question , I think you need to do some real soul searching and decide for yourself (no one else, eg kids or her ) if you want to love her and if you do , try to remember why you fell in love with her in the first place . its a good place to start . open up to her and maybe get away with her for a few days . I don't mean an all inclusive vacation , but a road trip to a b&b or somethin.if you want to make it work and love her ,you need to let the past be the past . my husband hurt me very badly about 6 years ago and when I was ready to love him again I realized I never would be able to unless I accepted with my whole heart , that I forgave him and to look to the future with him instead of dwelling on the painful parts.a marrige always has that yucky part but from my experience if you can get past that , it tends to bring you closer together . I have never felt closer to my hubby than I do now . I guess what im trying to say is , if you think shes worth the work than do it , you wont regret it.
good luck and just remember she has feelings too , if it isnt what you want you need to tell her .............

Answer 7

This is a tough situation! Basically, you are going to re-get to know eachother all over again! Start over! Spend quality time talking in bed, or making dinner for the kids and after they go to bed, order take out or cook together. you are going to be very busy! but, don't give up on your marriage! that is the worst thing you can do!!!!

Answer 8

Stop trying to live in the past. If you live for tomorrow you won't have to think about yesterday. Love is a choice, not an emotion. Feelings can from one moment to the next, and to rely on feelings on whether or not you stay with someone is a sign of immaturity. Man-up, & remember your vows to your wife.

Answer 9

I was married to my wife for 8 or 9 years, and she would always tell me she did not love me any more, even though we had a child together. She wanted to go out w/ her friends, it was like she was burnt out and tired of being together, she was always in a bad mood when she was w/ me. She no longer wanted to be intimate w/ me...and she was only 25 years old! She just seemed bored and tired of me..never wanted to spend timw w/ me. We always fought, all the time, but I was deeply in love with her, and it hurt so much. Eventually she ended up cheating on me, and i found out. I think that happens when the love is gone.

Answer 10

have you tried couples counseling?the love may be gone or hidden deep under the pain.I wouldn't give up yet,sickness and in health.right now your marriage is sick and in need of help.we sometimes have reasons to justify what we know we do is wrong,but to be truly a person of character you must continue to do what's right and find some joy in just that.