What's the best way to tell your kids that you are getting a divorce?

Question

After many years of marriage, we have decided that it would be in the best interest for our family if we were to separate and get a divorce. We are planning on sitting down with the kids (ages 11 and 15) and explaining to them that we love them, but mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. Does anyone have any insight on what would be the best way to break the news to them in a way that will minimize their pain? We are also going to have to tell them that we will be putting the house up for sale as well. Thank you in advance for any advice.

A few more facts...
We don't hate each other, we don't bad mouth each other now and would never do it in the future. That would only hurt our children by doing that. We have already agreed on a visitation schedule.

And for those who suggest counseling, thank you for offering that, but we've done that and it wasn't successful.

Thank you all for your real advice.

Answer 1

no matter how you explain this situation to them, they will be in pain. You can only be there for them while its going on. Keep a level head, do not bash your husband/wife especially in front of the kids, thats a big no-no. make sure they know that this decision was made purely because of you and your wife/husband and that it has nothing to do with them, and your love for them will never change even though your love for your spouse has. Support each other when dealing with the children, its not their fault you guys couldn't work it out. Ask them if they would like to go to counseling, its tough enough being a teenager. Answer all their questions honestly, while refraining from any bashing. With any luck you will remain friends once things have cooled down, and your children can have 2 full lives, one with you and one with your spouse.
I am divorced and it was successful (well as successful as they can go) My children are healthy, happy, and normal. They love us both, mom and dad, and they both know that their dad and I are friends and will love each other forever, just not the same as married people do. It can work, good luck

Answer 2

Wow. Nope, probably not. It doesn't seem like the problems would end just because you sign a piece of paper -- what's the point of getting divorced if you're still gonna live together? I understand the wanting to protect your kids and/or not steal their kid's "year" and override the graduation bliss, but 18 years old is old enough to understand that Mom and Dad aren't happy like this and something needs to change. That's just my opinion. I'm sure they had their reasons.

Answer 3

Chances are they probably already know that you are getting a divorce.First be as honest as you can.Emphazise that they did nothing wrong and the positives for them of you and your husband splitting.Answer any questions they have.Do not put them in the middle at any time.Whatever parent is getting custody should tell the children that they will be able to see the other parent.
Despite the selling of the house try very hard to keep the kids in the same sort of lifestyle they have been living.If it is daddy's birthday coming up take them to buy a present and card for him.Always let them know that their other parent is important too!! Remember you are getting the divorce not the kids!!!! Divorce is very hard but you can minimalize it for the love of those children.You will be happier too in the end!!!! Take Care!

Answer 4

I've been there done that. We did the same thing you're planning on doing. We sat with the kids (12 & 14 at the time) and told them that we loved them but mom and dad had problems that could not be fixed. We told them we had gone to counseling and tried to save our marriage, but it was best to separate. We assured them that none of it was their fault and that I would never keep them from seeing their dad.

After all was said and done, my kids still hurt very much from the divorce and at times blamed me for divorcing their father (although they didn't know that their father was having an affair with a married woman for the past 3 years). It wasn't until years later that they realized why I had left their father.

Although it's going to be hard on them, they'll be ok. I advise you to get a counselor for you and for the kids. They need someone they can talk to and who's going to be bias and just hear them out.

One thing though, regardless of what you think about your ex, NEVER speak bad about him in front of the kids. That's their father and they love him and they shouldn't have to hear you trash talking him. Keep your comments to yourself when with the kids. Trust me, it will only harm you and your image if you do. Good luck! Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Answer 5

I'd do it as straight forward as possible. No need for explanations, if they have questions answer them as honestly as possible. I would recommend doing it together also in private, not at a restaurant ,but in familiar surroundings. Let them blow off steam at you both, and don't give in to outrages demands of theirs, what they are doing is setting limits on the two of you to try everything they know of to keep the family intact. The divorce may be hard on them but I'd say the selling of the house will be harder to take, it is a possession they a familiar with. 11 & 15 are old enough to comprehend what life is now and what it will be like in a 2 parent household, be as kind as possible for they will need it more than if they had been 2 & 6.

Answer 6

I would have suggested not to disrupt their lifestyle- but if you are selling the house you can'tr promise that.

** Don't ever have the children be messagers between you two.
** Regardless of the reason for the divorce - don't play the "BLAME GAME".
** Don't make them choose between you.
** Make sure you both handle school issues TOGETHER. Go to PT conferences as a team.
** Don't bring a new person(s) into their lives for a reasonable period of time.
** They will have pain and be proactive arrange some family counseling so they have a arena to discuss their feelings.
** If at all possible let them help choose there new homes.

Answer 7

Telling your kids is never easy. Being they are 11 and 15, they probably sense something is going on anyway. Just sit them down and give them your reasons for the divorce, they will understand much more then you think. The biggest thing is to make sure they know that you both love them and that will not change. Also make sure that they don't become tools that you and your spouse use against one another. No matter what, it is going to hurt them, but just be honest.

Answer 8

Well, it is never easy telling your children that the family is splitting up. For some reason, children blame themselves for the divorce. My children were much younger than yours when I divorced, so your kids will have a better understanding of what is going on. I just told my boys that their father and myself loved them very much and would always be here for them, but that we could not get along anymore so we were going to divorce. Just reassure them that you are both there for them and that you both love them dearly. If there are lots of arguments going on now, they are probably aware of the problem anyway. But, remember, they are not only losing their "family life", they are losing their home and everything they are familiar with, so you are going to have to be really strong for them.......good luck honey.

Answer 9

Wow that's tough,I did it my self,there will be tears and anger,and your even gonna doubt your decision and think your selfish to hurt them like that,I stayed longer after seeing there pain once..but it still led to divorce a couple of months later.....it's so hard to watch your kids hurt....they will blame themselves and try to make deals to be better kids.....so make sure they know it's not there fault....they'll think if you love them enough you'll stay together .......make sure they feel loved...let them know dad is still gonna love them and be in there life........and then they'll blame you or dad for ruining things.......they have to find fault with some one.......they'll be angry a while..unless this is the end of watching abuse than they'll free free and test you to see how free they are..good luck and don't let them blame them self.

Answer 10

How sad. You should go to marriage counseling for 6 months before you destroy your family and their home. If you "loved" them as much as you say, you'd learn to get along-- the "best" interest of your family is to stay together. You cannot minimize their pain! You are destroying their very foundation, home and family. It will be painful and destructive.
Can't you and your spouse stay for another 7 years until the 11 year old is an adult, or do you mean it's in your own best interest to destroy their lives?