How old do you think a child should be before attending a grandparent's funeral?

Question

No one has passed yet (thank God), but I started thinking about it. I'm particularly interested in feedback based on individuals' experiences with young kids and funerals, as well as child counselors/psychologists, who have educated insight on this matter. How young is too young to be exposed to this emotional experience, considering the death AND all the sadness at the funeral?

No, I did not have a family member die until I was 17 years old. It was my great-grandmother, whom I was close to and it was devestating. Not every child loses someone when they're young, but we have a 20 month old who has grandparents in their mid-70s.

Answer 1

Let's see ... my Grandmother passed away just a little over a week ago and my nephew was going to attend just the viewing. We didn't want to pressure him into it but described what it was going to be like. He didn't end up attending due to other circumstances. I would attend funerals when I was younger and nothing has affected me other than the visuals and what I witnessed.

Answer 2

Well I was young when I started losing my Grandparents.. I was 5 for my grandmother, 10-11 for my Grandfather and 12 for my other Grandfather.my brother was 4 years younger.. and they all died of various Cancers, so we saw them dying basically... For my Grandmother, my parents succombed to pressure from family to leave me at home... even though I had a very close relationship with my Gran... she says that it was very difficult for me to come to terms with her death because I had no closure... for the others my brother and I attended the funerals.

I think that when deciding these things its important to look at the relationship that the child has to the person... if its someone they don't see very often , or know well, and they are very little, it may be unecessary to put them through it, However if it is a close friend or relative, I think that it is important to go through the mourning steps... to see the closure happening (Provided that an explanation of what it will be like takes place before, or it may be difficult for them to understand why the person is being buried underground etc)... I also think any religious beliefs you have should come into it, as that could help comfort a child. Basically you know your kids... trust your feelings about it and decide at the time what is right for the situation, and the child.

Answer 3

I don't think it really matters what age they are. I believe it's important that they go if they can. It's a big part of closure and your chance to say a final goodbye. My grandpa died when I was a 17 and everyone attended the funeral in my family even my youngest cousins. I come from a very large family so I have cousins who range from infants to a coulple years older than me. Yes it's a very emotional time, but imagine being little and not attending the funeral....and then because you don't understand the meaning of death you can't understand why you can't go see grandpa or grandma anymore. That is my opinion anyway.

Answer 4

Death and sadness is a part of life. Speak to your children in an age appropriate manner. Be as truthful as possible --and answer all of their questions. Depending upon the type of bond the person has with the deceased is how it will affect them.

Answer 5

cant you recall when your grandparents or some other relative died when you were young? i do very well. having said that, the truth is, it meant nothing. i was all excited to get a day off school to go to the funeral. there were all those nice people there and there was free food. going to a funeral means nothing to a young child, so certainly don´t hesititate to take them.

all those of you who are thumbs downing me - if you went to a funeral when you were 7, did you really care that your grandmother died? seriously!

Answer 6

Kids are very easily influenced by the environment. If you kids are shy and withdrawn, I will say don't take them where the crowds are all crying and sobber. You can always take them to visit the grave when the is no crowd or when they are older like double digit ages.

Answer 7

I would say 10-12 years.. They start to understand reality and social system at that age.

Answer 8

Children are wiser and more aware than many give them credit for being. Some are often more capable of dealing with the reality of [what we call] dying than are many [most?] adults. Some will have a lot more trouble later by not having been allowed to bade farewell to someone they've been close to. Children need to find closure in their own way. Some will do well by touching the face of their loved one [realizing it feels different] and some by looking [without touching]. It's up to the individual child how they'll cope.

Personally, I'm a proponent of asking the child. Do they want to go or would they rather not? If they'd feel left out of an important event, would that harm them [more than would being included]? I attended a service not long ago and was delighted to see a very honored guest in the church, with the family. My friend's dog had every right to join mourners - he and his master had been next to inseparable for years. Why would the dog need to be excluded? The dog was definitely included and very, very well behaved.

When a child's been close to one who has died they have a right to be included in whatever way feels appropriate. It may not need to be at the funeral, if that's unwieldy or uncomfortable, but it can be a visit to the mortuary where the child can see, touch, talk to, read to, sing to... allowed to say goodbye in their childlike way. A child fears death only after they've learned such fear from others.

When my son was nearing the end of his life, and knew it, he did what took great courage on his part. He took each of his children aside and talked to them privately, telling them they'd not see him in this life, ever again, but he'd still hear and watch over them. So, if they needed to talk to him after he was gone he'd find a way to answer in a way they'd know it was him. He'd not wanted them left with memories of him being other than strong, supportive, loving. He left them with their mother and went elsewhere. No, they never saw him again - nor did they see him grow frail, thin or gaunt - in severe pain. He spared them the guilt of thinking there was anything they could do [and weren't doing] to make it better.

He faced death head-on, stared it down and lived his life, his way. His children had lived thru his years of illness [cancer]. He felt it was time for them enjoy being children with far less stress and tension in their household. He never regretted it. He'd done a great job parenting them [and knew it] so they reached closure in ways he had chosen - thus he also reached closure, with them. As he later said, his life was his to live - his death was his event. I saw [see] that as him role-modeling... how to live and how to die, with honor, raw courage and dignity. He loved his children deeply and chose to spare them what he knew would be his experience.

He viewed his exit as being On Special Assignment as Guardian Angel for truckers, cowboys and bikers. He called it a promotion, wrote a dreams list of everything he wanted to do before dying. In less than 8 months, he'd realized 11 of the 12 on his list - with a lot of help from those he called his Angels In the Wings. Later he set up a group by that name [one of his dreams] - to help make dreams come true for bigger kids, too. He died at 31 and had touched many, many people with his life before his final transit.

To him, dying meant taking off a suit that no longer fit or felt good, exchanging his outgrown, tattered suit for one he'd feel better in. He wasn't religious, wasn't sure what he'd find on the other side, yet he experienced inner-peace at core-levels many/most don't. He loved nature so he'd seen dying back and rebirth everywhere, realizing it's simply part of the human experience and nothing he had any reason to fear.

What children think about such things is learned from how others react and respond to the cycles of life. What a child's parent has taught them will impact how they view others' death [also theirs]. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question as it's truly an individual matter and varies with each situation, each person. Children will pick up on the loss and grief whether they attend a funeral or not. Adults would be wise to talk openly about it, to not over-protect a child who might feel deeply confused [not knowing what's going on, why others feel sad, or being/feeling very shut out].

Children often assume that whatever's gone wrong is their fault, especially when not being told otherwise by adults they can trust. That can leave a child feeling guilty [often, for life] when it's useful to talk to them in terms they can understand - then add more details as they mature and can better comprehend. Excellent children's books on such topics exist. The Fall of Freddy the Leaf [Leo Buscaglia] comes to mind, writing this. Might do a search on Amazon, eBay or favorite booksellers.