My friend?

Question

A friend of mine (we'll call her Amy) confided in me a few years ago that she was abused (sexually) when she was younger. Now she has been dating my best friend (who we'll call Frank) for about 6 months. I've talked to both of them, and they are both very much in love. But whenever Frank asks Amy about going further with the relationship (not sex or marriage, just more committed) she distances herself from Frank.

So here is my question: If someone was sexually abused as a child, can it deepen fear of commitment, or increase fear of getting closer to someone?

Obviously this is a very sensitive subject, so please only provide serious answers.

Thank you so much for your answers so far. Amy has told me that she really feels ready to pursue a serious relationship. She is not too young, and she does want to get closer to Frank, but she has trouble explaining to me why she runs away when Frank gets closer. So I see the point about not "putting it at the root" of everything, but I have definitely looked at several other possibilities. Thanks again for treating this question with respect and dignity.

Answer 1

Sexually abused people have deep seeded trust issues PERIOD!

Imagine that someone who was supposed to protect you and nurture you, doing something that hurt and or confused you so badly that it became ingrained that ALL people who profess to want to love and protect you will eventually do the same thing.

It is post traumatic stress syndrome. It is when an event takes place long ago, and it still effects the present even though the original trauma has long since stopped or ended to all rational parts of the brain. She probably UNDERSTANDS logically how he probably wont hurt her... but fear often over rides the logic of even the strongest most sane and rational person.

She just needs a little counseling to totally deal with her past and to re group the memory reflex and train herself not to react on a sub-conscience level. Not all people who say love are going to abuse her...

Answer 2

I can't speak from personal experience, but I think that could change they way the person thinks and feels completely. You're right, this is a sensitive subject. Maybe she needs to find someone she can relate to and learn how to deal with it and move on as hard as it may be. I know it's always easier said than done, but she deserves to find the one she will spend the rest of her life with "To have nad to hold...". Maybe "Frank" is The One for "Amy", maybe he isn't. In the end I think it would be best if she could someday learn to confide in him the way she learned to confide in you. It's something he will have to learn to understand as well.

I hope this helped. Best of luck to "Amy & Frank".

Answer 3

yes it can have all those issues, but it matters more to what she is looking for in life at this stage of her life. is she young and just want to date more people and have more experience? can she really see frank as a lifetime partner or more like a fling.

being abused is nothing to take lightly, however not everything should be blamed for it or we assume it is the root of everything.

Answer 4

of course it can, especially if the person never worked out their feelings about it. i was raped a couple of years ago and i am 23 years old now - it stays with you - each time someone comes onto you and is a little pushy - it all comes back - sadly I havent worked out these issues yet and i dont plan on seeking counseling, although I do encourage it. But its not for me

Answer 5

yes this can cause someone to push others away for fear of getting hurt. You should gently ask her if she has ever been to a proffessional to talk about what happend to her. She can overcome this but only if she is willing to make that first step.