Should I let go of my marriage or try to make it work?

Question

My wife and I have been separated for a little over a year. I left our home early last year because I was in a crisis (I had lots of personal/professional setbacks). To add to this, our relationship had hit a low and I wasnt sure if it was going to get any better (our sex life was at its worst). I think my leaving was a somewhat twisted cry for help, as I wanted my wife to want me back. After a few months, we started speaking again and pursued counseling. It is very clear that we both love each other dearly, but the years of unacknowledged neglect seemed somewhat insurmountable. Ultimately, it looked like a textbook example of "Sometimes love is not enough."

The problem I'm having is whether or not to let it all go. I constantly think of my wife and miss her. To make matters worse, I was recently offered an employment opportunity cross country that's a somewhat dream job for me. Now I don't know whether to stay and try working on us, or to leave and let go...

Answer 1

Why is it that you can be so happy with someone when you are dating/engaged, but as soon as you are married things get awful, abusive, depressing, etc.

Duh. It is the "marriage". Face it, marriage sucks and we as people just aren't built for it. No wonder half of marriages end in divorce, and the other half that do stay married, the majority of them are extremely unhappy.

I know I am and this is my second time around.

Never again.

Answer 2

Wow, this is deep, my brother!! "For better, for worse - richer or poorer". I mean these words are some powerful ones that when said, changes the course of lives forever. I know all to well what you must be feeling. I've endured some really "ULGY" times in my marriage. At the present, my husband is not home where he should be, and if there was a chance for us to patch things up, then I'll go for it. So I'm saying the same thing to you, "Save your marriage, wife and home life, money doesn't buy happiness. When you're old and sitting in your rocking chair watching the sunset, your bank statement can't appreicate the beauty and wonders of honoring your commitment to that woman, but first and foremost to God. Place whatever it is that you're going through with your wife before God, leave it there, if you were romantic before, show an extra ounce of romance, call her during the day and tell her how much you love and want her. Move back into your house. Even if you sleep in the guest bedroom for now and work your way into the master bedroom. Sometimes we have to give up our rights for the common good of the family and what God has ordained. Be encouraged and give your marriage a second chance. This time both of you will know what buttons to push and which ones to let alone.

Wishing you all the best.

Answer 3

From what you have said, it sounds like you really do love each other. But, marriage does take a lot of work from both ends. Just ask anyone who has been married for a very long time, and they will tell you that in order to keep eachother happy, it takes commitment and willingness to honor the other. There will be sacrifices made by both husband and wife.

I will be honest... I believe that "until death do you part." That does not mean that you must live a miserable life. But it may help to look at it from that perspective. It is possible to accomplish a happy marriage, even with all of those years of unacknowledged neglect.

Good luck, and don't give up if you love her!

Answer 4

Look into your heart and pray about this situation. I am in counseling with my husband now and sometimes situations seem insurmountable to a couple, but with help, a counselor can steer you in the right direction. I would suggest going back to counseling and making two lists. One list would be those things that you must have to make the marriage work and the other is a list of ways you contributed to the decline of the marriage. After you go over your lists, you can move towards resolving your issues.

Above all, don't give or be tempted by a job opportunity. Stay the course, handle what God's placed in your hands, and know how incredibly lucky you are that you two love each other so much to have weathered the storm for this long.

Good luck - my prayers are with you.

Answer 5

I Suggest talking to her. You said that your leaving was a cry out, well maybe this needs to be a little of one too. Congradulations on the job offer, by the way. I know it isn't as simple as love or money as someone else presumed. And your question isn't as simple as do I stay or go? There's layers here, so I think you should go about making your choice by examining the layers. You have a lot of questions to yet ask yourself and questions to ask of her.
Do you truely think if you stay, your marriage can work? Do you think it has a chance of working out if you leave? Now that you've gotten this offer which I'm sure has boosted your confidence, do you think you could find something similar in the next couple of years that might be local? Find out how she feels about moving. Would she want to go with you? Would a change of location and pace help the two of you? Would you two be capable of having a long distance relationship? Would you be able to focus on the job if she chose to stay and end the relationship? Would you resent her if you passed up on the job? Expecially if it didn't work out between you two? I assume you two don't have kids at home or possibly at all but if you did the answer to your question is simple to me. I suggest disecting each part of things, asking all the what ifs and hard questions of yourself and see what you are left with. I don't believe anyone can answer this for you. Sorry if I didn't help one bit. I wish you luck, this is a life defining choice.

Answer 6

Whew. Tough one. You've been to counseling. You've been talking. You don't sound like you can put this marriage together. You sound done. Your question is really well-written, really heart-wrenching, and way too personal for me to really be flippant and put my two cents in, but I am going to anyway. I think either decision is a win situation. If you leave and head out across the country there will be benefits and losses. If you stay and the marriage works after all, great, but you will lose out on your dream job. If you stay and the marriage is unsalvagable, then you wasted all this time AND lost the dream job. Hmmmmm.

Can you do neither right now? Do you have to know this minute? Can you keep working on your relationship while you go across country after your dream job? Sometimes there are more than two options. I could back you on giving it some more time while exploring your dream job. That makes the most sense to me. Stall.

Answer 7

My sympathies to you! Sounds like you are between a "rock & a hard place"!

Also sounds like you love your wife - and that she may still love you . . . which makes it doubly tough.

I've been married twice - so will offer one piece of advice: Sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife . . . with no one else around - no interruptions. Discuss openly if you both honestly think you can overcome the issues & what caused some of them. If you can talk to each other without harsh words & raising your voice . . . you don't need a counselor to do so. If you think you can make a go of it - why won't she move cross country with you?

Having said that, I will say 2 other things:

1. Love was not enough in my 1st marriage - because it was "too little too late" for me since I had tried to communicate with him for 7 years before giving up and he claimed he didn't know we had a problem until I said I couldn't take any more!

2. Sometime you have to cut your losses and move on . . . you only get one chance at life and grabbing a little happiness along the journey.

IF you move along . . . learn from the experience and don't make the same mistake in your next relationship.

I hope there are no children involved . . . because that complicates matters.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 8

The length of time you guys were married is an investment-- remember that. A separation is a good thing for some and gives you a chance to iron things out. One thing I am concerned about is the 'unacknowledged neglect' that seems to be happening in my relationship and it builds and builds and sooner or later you just wonder does this person really love me the way I need to survive. Am I giving the love my spouse needs to survive.???
I guess if you feel neglected and insignificant in ways your self confidence can wear down. Maybe you need to take a chance and take the job offer. If you have kids that may be a hard decision. I wish the best for you and yours.

Answer 9

I can honestly say that I am in the same boat. Years of neglect and being taken for granted as the outstanding husband (and father in my case) you are will take it's toll eventually. Wife and I are going through marriage counseling right now, but it seems that for all the problems and hurdles we overcome, it's doing little to no good.

My advice would be this...

Decide what is best for you and do it. Personally, it sounds like you still love this woman madly and I think that if that spark is still there, you should take the gloves off and fight for it. Re-ignite the flame that brought you together and work on the problems you're having with her and vice versa. If you can compromise, and love and forgive, then you'll be happy.

Answer 10

Dear Fred,

Millions of couples who are just married move to another city to start their marriages together. Why don't you and your wife do the same? It could be the fresh start you both need and will give you both the chance to hold on to each other while making these life changes. So, take the job and take your wife with you!

Marriages can take a ton of abuse ... and don't you think you are both worth another try at being together? That is what I'm picking up from you. Good luck and Keep the Power of Prayer working for you both!!

Answer 11

Thats a very difficult situation, and it's a matter of asking yourself and looking into your heart. Deep down if you truly believe it will work out and it's the best thing for you stay. If you don't think it's best then you should leave but once it's over you need to realize that's it. No more talking or visiting or anything like that, she'll be gone for good. Can you handle that? It will be hard and take a lot of work to fix a relationdship but if your up for it do it, you got married for a reason in the first place...are you ready to start over with someone new? These are all things you have to consider and you also need to think about how she feels can she handle losing you forever? Good Luck...follow your heart.